ok so this is a series of 9 poems that all tell one story. I'd love to get your feedback on this. c4c thanks! Optimist's Eyes Twilight comes, the darkness surrounds The clouds generate in swirls The beats of war continue forth Crushing anything in its way His life was born into this He was just like the others, no different Suited up and shipped out of the womb These men weren't even born human He wanted to bring about change He knew this would be his chance The world knew right from wrong It's view was just jaded So when recruitment came to town He was the first in line to sign Here was his chance, he knew it and then the General spoke Send Them Dead Send them dead so when they come back They won't be any different This war will change 'em that's for sure This plague has been heaven sent Are they closed off, shut down, and ruined? God knows they should be Signal the change 'cause it's coming No time to repent, you chose your path Set it up to tear it down One last kiss, one last dance They aren't coming back So let them go and have it Morning is here and today we sail Are you dead yet? God knows you should be Ship off, ship 'em alive Everyone ready? I don't think you are. Set Sails Set the sils of paper mache They'll send you so far away Or weigh your ship down With pains of yesterday While you're gone, I'll wait I'll go and spread your name And when you get back Everyone will know of your fame You'll have what you wanted And I can do it for free I'll ask for nothing in return Except for your sight to see I'm blind, I wander alone The colors faded so long ago If i were to see, maybe I could feel you so close But now I regret to inform you My services are no longer here Not even for sight I so need I cannot help you out my dear The Groove Manifest its disproportions Let their faces gather Show them what it's worth Or for his alone, rather Their silouhettes danced Shadows against the wall Not to be seen hence By no one, anyone at all Legs twitch bolt faced Only their eyes pacify With hues of monotone They hide their lies Sentiments are of no need We know what you will say It repeats itself continous Sentiments are of no need You say what you want to As if you're so prestigious Is it fate or destiny that controls what's next? Is it the choices of a few Or the problems of the many? Relative nuances dissaprove Can't you feel its sudden groove Sentences from a part-time love Welcome home into deep above Red-Eyed Journey Traveling boxcars to find what is right Just wait 'til you have me in your sight Otherwise you'll miss me set in stone Whirling winds are the basis of your moan Intent of the best proportions But the fire burns more brightly If you feed its flames contorted Charades is the game we play Pantomime the darkness, surreal Where only the wanton stay You take these broken fingers And mend the frayed edges Let the seared marks linger Traveling boxcars to find what is right Can't let my mind fool me with day and night Otherwise I'll miss myself set in stone Dancing desires are the cancers of my throne When the voices kept repeating Have you disappeared? It's bark was dry but clear Have you disappeared? Traveling boxcars to find my own sight The day is slowly, rapidly turning into night Traveling boxcars to find my own sight The day is slowly, rapidly turning into night A House Is Not a Home It's now or never, make your move Your history reveals uncertainty Lacking vertebrae to be a man Can't you see you affect us all? You seem so down, down so low Yet you judge from so high up Realism is just another way to say Your a pessimist who can see But we all know the world sucks Now get up off the ground and look Close your eyes to the obvious With closed eyes can you see more? Can you not dream? Can you not breathe? It's not too late but you refuse Stubborness is your ball and chain Dragged you so far down the hole Can you not think? Can you not live? So you say today is your last Your taking the next train out Cold and sharp, slicing through Tunnels within your mind, it hurts I can't bear to see you leave But if you insist I won't stop you And as you fall from grace Your mind is so much clearer You thought you figured it out Welcome home. It's been so long But the house is different A darker shade from what you remember Adverse The city streets are filled with glee I never told you about my misery I am lost where could I be? Wandering around these dirty streets The city streets are filled with glee I never told you about her misery I left her out there by the sea Never thought about her own needs The city streets are tough and mean They'll make you fall down to your knees Never prepared to make the scene You'll follow me in misery This City Crumbles Seldom seen, but always heard His words permeated the world From rooftops to subways Every vermin uttered secrecies Wretched walkways willingly gave Plenty of room for the man's collapse His last words mentioned came And were forgotten amon the whisper of trees So let it be known throughout every valley And through the streets of despair They let his body flow through And down into the sewers that relished Tetonic plates that shift lives The earth remains stationary His hex placed domain amongst walls Shattering beliefs of the clusters How far gone? How far gone? Fallen Hero Cassius designated a new throne He wanted the whole world to know Laid down his life as a signal For the degenerating masses The flood seeped quietly through town And reached the ears of the docile Word had fallen short of greatness Cassius, O Cassius was dead
Well, I'll just comment on the first one for now. I like the idea and some of the terminology. However, I think that there are too many 'he's' and 'the's. So I edited a little. Hope you don't mind. Optimist's Eyes Twilight comes, darkness surrounds Clouds generate in swirls Beats of war continue forth, Crushing Born into this, he was just like the others, no different. Suited up and shipped out of the womb, Born inhuman. Wanting change, he took his chances. The first in line to sign, when recruitment came to town. And there the general spoke... __________________________________ Only a few ideas. I didn't mean to butcher your poem. Take what you like and disregard the rest.
