really bad experience

I posted this in Love and Sex as well

i have some questions with a bit of a story attached, so here goes

I met this guy (now a long time ago) and he is really gorgeous in a bad way. Like an almost scary irresistable way. I was 15 when I met him, and had no experience with guys to speak of. I was at his place one night in the sauna when he started to unbutton my pants and slide his finger up my vagina. I was kind of freaked out, I wasn't comfortable with it at all. Afterwards he asked me if it was ok. I said yes, but wasn't at all.
I loved it, loooved it when he just held me though. I loved being wrapped up in his big strong arms against his strong core... And I stayed with him because of that. Things started to get worse though, and he always managed to get my clothes off, and grind with me and try to get off at most every opportunities. And I just didn't enjoy it. I never felt anything unless I was wrapped up in his arms. I was just turned off. We smoked pot together a lot. He'd get me stoned and then start making fun of me because I never came. I was a lesbian in his eyes.
I think I am bisexual, but I'll get to that later. One time when I was sitting with him onthe couch talking, stoned, and he was poking fun at me, we heard a funny sound. It was loud, mechanical, in fact exactly like a video camera turning off. You know when the battery runs out and the lens goes in with the whrrr sound then it clicks off? And he looked kind of freaked out, and I was like what was that? And he said he had no idea then went off about how the house always makes weird sounds and his stories along with it.
The thing was, when I was sober, he was pretty nice to me. He wrote me these letters that could be interpreted as really sweet, but had some weird parts in them, he'd call me and want me to come over, and I dismissed his descrepancies as paranoia on my part. And because I was smoking so much pot I'd forget. But when I ran away home sometimes when he was being a total jerk, I'd try to tell myself when I was sober that he wasn't a nice guy, to never go back to him, to stay away, he was really hurting me in a way that would be hard to heal.
But I'd stopped trusting myself. Part of me wondered whether I was a lesbian or not.
One time at his house he showed me a video he'd made. He got me stoned out of my mind first (not like he forced me to smoke it, I was kind of addicted to it at that point, I'll get to that too later). The video was about me, and all his friends (he knows a LOT of people) making fun of how stupid I was and how I was a lesbian. Whenever I got the jokes, I'd look at him kind of shocked and he'd start laughing like he was trying hard not to but couldn't help it. Afterwards I said I wanted to watch it again (I was so afraid I would forget and go back to him), and he left the room with the video. I called his name and he said the rewind button didn't work on that machine. I got up, and he came back into the room and said what? then he rewound the video he was now holding in the other machine. he brought it back and it was a different movie. Afterwards he looked at me and said, 'that's only the beginning of the movie. there's lots more.' oh yeah, and in the background of the first movie we watched, I could hear my breathing when I was with brendan when he was grinding with me. since I wasn't feeling any pleasure, I'd stop and shift position. and I could hear brendan mumbling stuff like here try this (although I don't remember him saying that when we were alone together.)
The last time I left him that night he'd got me to come to a party of his. Everyone there was laughing at me, calling me an idiot, a moron. Like no subtelty any more. Then Brendan took me down to his room. I was almost crying, drunk, stoned. And I kept asking him why. why he was doing this to me. I didn't understand how anyone could be so cruel. Eventually I said I was leaving. he walked me home.
I thought that would be the last I'd see of him, or I hoped. I live in an area where no one locks there doors, and often there is no one home at my house. One day I came home and I noticed thigns were changed in my room. A lot of my stuffies were in different places, in sexual positions. This sounds so weird, I know, but I'm absolutely positive where they were before I'd left, and it was like blatantly sexual. I was sickened. I've always kept journals, and they were moved around too. I have lovebirds, and they never come near my journals. -Twice- I found birdshit stuck on, not pooped on a journal I'd dedicated to healing myself. If it was on a corner of the binding, if it had been pooped on it would have molded to the binding, but no it had be stuck onto the corner.
So much stuff like that in my room has happened, but I'm assuming some of it is me making it up. One time I found a lightly sketched picture of me naked wearing sunglasses. That I did not draw.

If you read all that, thank you. Now one of my questions is, can lesbians still think men are good looking and attractive? And I really want to have sex with a man and love it, do lesbians ever want that? And I was around a guy a little while ago, and if he just touched me it turned me on, a lot. What does this mean??? I don't get it. Will I just not be able to let go of those experience and so never enjoy sex with a man as I would have? I'm so confused.

 

Your story horrifies me. But already knew people are that cruel; it's just you were so young. Someone had the audacity to do that, but that's not even the worst of it. Wow. Okay hun; you'll find out what sexual orientation you are in due time. But also, just because you fantasize that sex with a male would be out of this world, it doesn't necessarily mean that it will be. Whe I tried it; it never was.

Of course it's fine to think the opposite sex is hot or not. It's always fine to look. If anyone tells you otherwise; and that you're only bound to like your own sex or never talk/look at men, tell them to go fuck themselves'. You shouldn't let others define the rules of your life. By defination - the gay sexual orientation is to have sex/relationships with the same sex. Straight people don't just associate with straight people. There are some females that are all over gay guys, and straight guys all over gay girls. Whatever, people are always comparing themselves to others; straight or gay, okay? Don't worry about it.

Lesbians don't usually desire sex with males let alone fuck them; otherwise they wouldn't be lesbians hun. If a guy touched you and it turned you on, then why are you questioning it? What's so confusing? Gay people aren't born with a manual, ya know. Just go with the flow. What? Hun, you either enjoy sex or you don't, your experience may have a partial influence? But it seems you didn't enjoy it before you knew how cruel people are anyways. Don't worry, you aren't missing out on anything. A word of advice; don't base your life on sex. Get a shower messager if you want to get things done right. Heh.

Anyways, have you ever been with a female?

 

omg dude that was a horrible story. i cannot believe that someone would be so rejecting of another persons feelings, emotions and image. he sounds like cruel disgusting character who just wanted to use you to mkae himself feel better.

dont think for a minute that any of it was your fault. this guy is such a megalomaniac.

about the sexual orientation bit... perhaps you are bi and want to know that all experience with guys isnt going to be that way. perhaps you called yourself a lesbian while being with him because it made you feel as tho the advances he was making on you didnt make an impact on you as a person, because he was a guy. but now that you want to try sex with a guy again, it indicates that you want to prove to yourself that the experience was a one off.

but, i'd say get yourself all figured out first, before you make any decisions. make sure you are happy within yourself about your own feelings and your own body. the people that being nasty to you were wrong. you have to know that.

i really hope the best for you.