Recovery Part II

Okay, so obviously the thread I posted nearly a year ago about wanting to recover was total BS. I didn't REALLY want it. But whatever, an addicted mind is flawed.

So I finally found a way. I think I'm on the road now. There's no more fuckin denying addiction (as I often ping-ponged the thought of it in my brain for quite some time).
After a 4 day binge of a concoction I'm having trouble remembering I woke up more depressed than I had ever been in my life. I suppose it was the inherent survival drive in me that forced myself to sit through the depression and intense misery so I could finally FEEL and reflect on what my shitty life has become. I'm not much of a crier but I haven't sobbed that much in one day since...well, maybe ever.
Of course, being that my life has been held back by drug use, I still live with my folks, who are loving and supportive....and I am the sneakiest, best liar, and I was rarely home or high around them so they hadn't a clue.
It was all about to come tumbling down anyway as I was about to get a job with the company they both work for (government affiliated) that hair-follicle tests all their new employees.
So during this hysteria I admitted to my parents everything. My dad didn't even know what OxyContins really were, which I had to explain. The whole process was awful and embarrassing, yet relieving. Plans are set in place and I'm ready to move on.

DETOX SUCKS!
My stash is gone. I slept 14 hours last night and let's just say life sucks right now for me as I ALREADY have restless leg syndrome so it's like amped up to 11 right now. I'm annoyed. My pulse never feels normal not to mention I can feel my pulse in parts of my body nowhere near my heart. I'm having very odd, vivid, uncomfortable dreams. I went to bed at 8PM tonight after yawing non-stop all day to which I woke up at 11PM thinking it was morning. I will attempt sleep now again...

I'm envious of those of you who can "dabble".
Have fun, be safe and happy experimenting
I will miss that world.

xoxo
- Cat

 

Get through the pain, it's the only way. You can do it. You know you have to. The alternative is even worse!

Sending you all the best wishes

 

+1 I hope the best for you.

What ever happened with the job, or did you decide not to do the test and try to get it?

You will feel better about your life after the wd's, and feel healthy again. Keep us posted on progress!!

 

good luck!

 

Have you tried LSD? SWIMs friends brothers butt buddy helped a friends mother get over 15 years of alcoholism with, yep, you guessed it, LSD.

 

Thanks so much all <3
As far as the jobs go I called off the interviews. If I were to fail the test, word would spread and it would embarrass my parents. I would hate to have such two hard-working individuals become labeled as the "parents of a drug addict" as I would have surely flunked every panel. Not to mention it would kill any future opportunities of ever applying. Luckily the new semester starts tomorrow, something to keep me focused. I should be done with school by the end of the summer, clean, and ready to kick interview ass anywhere I want. The average hair panel lab will test 3 months worth of hair (approximately 1.5 inches) which should be squeaky clean by then if I stick to my guns).
I'm also an artist and I've been working on my own psychedelic coloring book. I'm hoping to have that as well as several digital art prints finished by spring for my area's local artist festival. *focus, focus, focus*!
As for the w/d's, today was SLIGHTLY better. My legs are less annoyed, still cold, still tired...but forcing myself back into a normal sleep schedule.

xoxo
Cat

 

sounds like a plan

 

If you have the time to read a book, its a tiny book so I highly suggest it. Its called Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. It helped me through rough times, and I promise it will inspire you.

 

Thanks Pr0ne420, I'll give it a gander!

 

one day maybe i'll write up a retrospective report about my oxycontin addiction...maybe in a few years.

but it is brutal...there is nothing kind about it at all. it's sort of a retroactive hangover; you pay later for your prior hedonism.

this is something you have to dedicate yourself to; opiate detox, and PAWS [post acute withdrawal syndrome] are unbelievable painful. I didn't feel "back to my old self" for about 3 months after stopping. You could get some clonidine for your blood pressure [won't get you high, but will make detox safer physically].

...But it seems like you have a lot of support...probably more than a lot of recovering addicts, but when i was in a situation like yours, i was also EXTREMELY manipulative, and my parents had no idea [at least the second time i became opiate dependent] until i told them...you have to stop lying...to your parents and yourself. you HAVE the power no matter what. It sounds like you have a lot to be thankful for

nothing but love!

 

Thank you so much Shermin, you are very right...I DO have tons to be thankful for.
I am also very fortune that I had my "breakdown" so to speak at an early stage in my physical addiction. For me the struggle is going to be mainly mental. The physical withdrawals I have seem to be mostly passed thank goodness. I guess I caught myself just in the nick of time. It was probably that last binge that made me hurt. And timing is perfect because today is the first day of classes this semester, I am 3 days clean and no longer freezing my ass off! :-D

 

Oh yeah, also I wanted to share this with you all. It's a piece of art I made that makes a lot of sense for me.

 

That picture tripped me out. Its beautiful, good job.

 

it makes sense to me too. do you have a page somewhere with more of your art?

 

Thanks guys, I'm actually in the process of building a web-page for my designs. But here's another couple for now:

 

wowwy

 

Nice art

 

intensely gorgeous!

 

Thanks guys! I did some more art tonight. A collage/painting/mixed media.
I was soooo close to goin' out for an OC 80 but did this instead.
It's a bit more off-beat than usual. Definitely driven by my current mental obsession vs. human survival.

 

These paintings are bad ass. It's good you have a positive outlet for when you feel like using. This is gonna help you a lot.