Rites of Passage

This 14 year old I'm mentoring is a great kid. His early life was from hell but he ended up in a safe family where he's loved. He still has soul wounds from his 1st 5 years from life. Physically he's on the small side of average and was in a school where Bullying was an issue. When he got picked-on he fought back and as usual the problem was with the kid and not the lousy school system. No Problem there either, thats been fixed. So now we're (The Kid & I) working on trust issues and self knowledge.

I'm working up a Rites of Passage list for him to achieve. What would you consider important accomplishments for a boy growing up now?

So far I've got: Being able to identify at least 10 different local trees, be able to read maps/use GPS systems, Be able to identify at least 10 kinds of wildflowers and their value. Be able to identify at least 10 different kinds of tools and their purpose. Carpenter tools, mechanics tools. these are tasks seperate from what school teaches. In addition he should start learning Spanish at least on the level of "street conversation". He should perform one act of random kindness each week. He should abstain drugs/alcohol untill he's at least legal age. (This is especially important for him R/T his early history).

I'm gonna see if he's up for this as a challenge. If he is then he and I will talk with his folks about what they would want too. So what all would you add to the list. What kind of things should a boy know seperate from what the school will teach him?

We'll break it up into chunks of things to learn and set a timeframe. Yeah, its kind of boy scout struff in a way but with a different flavor. Lemme hear some thoughts.

 

The one random act of kindness each week was my favorite, more people should try that.


As far as adding something that schools don't teach; maybe some self-defense and or weight training might help since he's a little on the small side and get's bullied.

 

schools don't teach weight training anymore? does gym class still exist at all?

 

Weight training/gym exist around here and the activity levels are probably OK. The boy is healthy and strong but kinda small... no great problem. The bulling was on a psych level and thats part of the idea with a Rites of Passage. My youngest son was a 2 times state qualifier in wrestling. He'll teach the boy some skills there.

I'm gonna teach him to drive a 4x4 truck in the fields and then on backroads. Farmboy kind of useful knowledge.

 

If I had a mentor who created a list of things for me to accomplish I think I'd tell 'em to fuck off.

What ever happened to 'be yourself' ?

Find out what he is interested in and work from there.
These are all fine and nice things and there is nothing wrong with inspiring him to achieve them, but I just sort of picture this in my mind as him receiving a list of high expectations and potential disappointment if he doesn't accomplish them.

I see it as you creating a list of things he needs to do to be a man.... and that is the sort of thing that has ruined relationships in the past.

Maybe this is just my relationship with my father talking, as well as his relationships with his other children. He tries his best to have his kids do what HE thinks we should and it just ends up with him being disappointed in us.

 

Don't Hide Your Feelings Sarah, Tell Us How You Really Feel....



Cheers Glen.

 

What about adding some kind of spiritual aspect to this list? I'm not recommending it, just curious if you thought about it.

 

That is one of my Mom's favorite things to say to me... along with
"so?"
"Sew buttons on your underwear!"

(one that killed me growing up was I would exclaim 'nooooooooo' to which she would reply 'Nooooooah built the ark!')

Sometimes parents just like to troll their kids.

 

I'm sorry for the way things worked for you Sarah. In fact these are the kind of things that adults need to teach kids. Its called passing on knowledge. In this kids world these are all things that he'll want and need to use.After several months of working with him hes taught me what he wants to learn more about.

I forgot to add bird and animal identification in the list.

 

"be yourself" is a nice platitude, but its meaningless in the context of aiding in the development of a young man.

 

I have to tread lightly here because of his folks religion but it's a good point and I'm trying to figure it out.

 

I guess it would also to be to spark his natural interests, be that what ever those are.

If he loves anything then how can that be tweaked into his everyday life. There is no better teacher than a natural interest.

I do not think it even has to a practical thing, if there is a spark it leads to connectivity of thought and that leads to life.

What does he love naturally.

 

Which is better:
Him developing into who he wants to be, or to who he thinks he should be?

It is a noble endeavor, but you can't really come up with a list out of thin air of what he should do to 'be a man'.

I have a younger brother that gets very little attention at home, and I really wish I could inspire him to develop interests besides breaking things. But... if he doesn't have the interest to do something I want him to do, he will eventually resent me for pushing it on him.
Instead, when I see that he has found a natural interest in something I provide all the support I can for him. If he says he wants to paint, I drop what I am doing and help him. There is a difference between facilitating the growth of a child and forcing a false persona onto him... They may develop either way, but their happiness might not necessarily do the same.

Naturally, I am thinking in the realms of 'most extreme' outcomes, which are largely based on my own experience.
But seeing as how I am quite close in age to this boy, I might be able to identify with a young teenager more readily than those who are older.

My siblings each turned out drastically different than is wished upon us by our family. My grandfather wishes that my brothers wanted to work in a field as opposed to playing guitar, my grandmother thinks I should spend my time cooking and cleaning instead of studying, because these things fit the definition of what a 'man' and a 'woman' should be in their eyes.

I haven't achieved any 'rites of passage' in this sense, but I seem to be just fine.

 

If He's A Healthy 14 Year Old Boy Then I Can Guess

What His Biggest Interest Is, But To Mention It Here

Would Only Lower The Tone Of The OP's Thread,

So I Wont....



Cheers Glen.

 

I think there are sites and even tutorials for that now a days.

Nothing wrong with that rite of passage either.

 

He's maybe the most curious kid I've ever worked with. He loves antique stores, artwork, gardening, cars... He has a total love of nature, the woods, climbing bluffs we hike a lot, rock hunting and photography. Everytime we go out in the woods now he builds cairns to mark our passage. keeping up with him is fun.

Part of this is his finally feeling like its safe to express his ideas and ask questions. The level of physical and emotional abuse he endured as a little kid was similar to the kinds of torture offered at Gitmo. The cool thing is hes moving past that and playing catch-up in life.

 

What about even things like archeology and cultures.

There are some really good sites on these and perhaps that will be his calling.

 

Which is worse, seeing a kid in need of guidance and direction and offering him opportunities, or sitting back and saying you can't do it?

Men have for centuries offered a rite of passage opportunity for boys. They provide a framework of what their life experience has been and the boys proves himself to his society and himself. From that point on the boy has a freedom to construct himself as the kind of person he wants to be.

That doesn't happen so much anymore and might be part of why there is a higher rate of jail/drug use.

I grew up getting these elements of a Rite of Passage from father grandfather, uncles and other older men. You see, At that time people could and did comunnicate across generations unlike the isolated souls today who are stuck re-inventing the wheel.

You seem to suffer from the idea that only like age people can offer anything to each other. Very restrictive and limiting. My being mentored as a kid freed me to explore my life as a gay kid then man confident that I was capable of exploring and learning.

I've raised 7 adopted sons as a single parent...been a mentor and foster father for more. I have some sense of helping boys become healthy men. I asked this question here because as a nearly 66 year old man I want the imput of people 40 and 50 years younger than me. Is that a weird concept?

 

There are a lot of sites like this
http://www.archaeology.org/interactive/

Might just be worth having him have a peek at.

Kind of bring the big world into your own backyard.

 

Thanks Heather. We're lucky here because a lot of First Nation People lived in this area and artifacts work up to the surface yearly. Maybe I should add knowing who some of the First People were and when they were here.