Self-Acceptance and Coming Out.

Hey everyone! I have had a long journey when it comes to accepting that I’m lesbian, not being ashamed of it, and confronting my fears about it.

I grew up in a catholic church where I went to a catholic elementary school that was connected to the church. Now, I understand we all have the right to our beliefs; however, that’s never an excuse to harm or demonize others. Just because you don’t believe in or approve of something doesn’t mean that thing is automatically evil or bad. Anyway, I was bullied for being the only black girl with extremely short hair that breaks easily due to a medical condition I was born with. I got used to racism early; especially since my family is white. My first taste of homophobia was when I was 8 & performing and the church wouldn’t allow my uncle and godfather to watch me perform cause of “their same-sex lifestyle”. They flew in from Phoenix Arizona to NY to see me and it was a big fight to let them in. Eventually, they did allow them inside only at the threat of reporting the church. The real reason why they weren’t allowed in hit me when I turned 18. I hardly ever see them because they live so far from me, but we keep in touch.

I noticed that I never felt comfortable when the other kids would speak of their crushes. Especially when the girls would talk about boys. When I would listen; it felt like I was in another world. I would dread the thought of anyone asking me about it. As I got older, the more uncomfortable I became with the idea of being with a boy. When my peers would talk about cute boys, what do I like about boys, etc; I wouldn’t know what to say or said that I don’t think about them. It took me years to admit this, but I developed a crush on my elementary school bully. At the time; I was a little girl who thought she was pretty and nice looking. My heart would flutter sometimes when I saw her. That was ruined by how she behaved towards me and in general. In middle school, I developed what I now realized was a crush on my male best friend’s girlfriend.

The reason why I originally rejected and denied being gay is because I went through a trauma when I was 12 that lasted 5 years and my environment. It didn’t ruin my life, but it did change my life. When I first began contemplating whether or not I’m gay; I openly denied it and told myself I’m just confused because of the trauma. I know now that that’s not true because of how I felt when I saw a woman on the street, on tv, etc. I think back to having a crush on a few female celebrities when I was 8-10 years old.

I started truly exploring at the age of 21. Not to share too much, but I became more and more curious about and turned on by having relations with women, watching women have relations, and admiring women’s bodies and overall being. All of my romantic and sexual fantasies involve women. I did date 2 guys, but had zero desire to have relations with them and openly told them I’m just exploring myself right now so I didn’t lead them on. I suppressed my overall feelings about and towards women because I was ashamed. That is no longer the case.

I have slowly taken the steps to embrace who I love and that part of who I am. I came out to my Uncle and Godfather first because they lived through Stonewall and have a lot of wisdom. They were happy for me and we spoke deeper. Everyone in my family had a positive and accepting reaction. Although one person accepted it; she’s told me she thinks I’m just saying I’m gay “to be part of a group” and “using labels”. To me, that is ridiculous overall. However, it’s especially ridiculous cause up until the age of 21; I didn’t know the LGBTQ+ community existed due to the closed-off environment I was in prior. She knows this already.

I’m now 26, has fully accepted that I’m gay, is confident, and am actively looking for the right woman to settle down with while taking things at my own pace. I personally don’t care if strangers accepts me for all of who I am or not. I don’t care to be liked or approved of. Part of my self-love to myself is not allowing others to dictate my worth or what makes me a good person. I accept that I’m the villain in some other people’s life whether they believe it’s justified or not. All I ask is to be left alone and I will stand up for my rights and other innocent people’s rights.

Now, I believe the irrational hatred and disgust towards gay people exists, but I don’t like the word “homophobia” because no one is scared of gay people. They’re just willfully ignorant and have hate in their hearts. Generation is not an excuse. Culture is not an excuse. Religion is not an excuse. There’s just zero excuse for ignorance nowadays.

This was SOOOOOO long, lol. Thank you so much for reading this; I appreciate it.

 

Welcome!

 

Thank you very much!