Sexual compatibility in a relationship...

Do you think that sexual compatibility is important in a relationship? Meaning.. say if you truely liked a person for who they were as a person and you were attracted to them and even felt those feelings of comfort when they held you. Yet, their sexual turn on's made you uncomfortable because in order for them to be sexually satisfied, they needed that to function sexually but it didn't fulfill your sexual desires and left you wanting more. Do you think that should dictate whether or not you would want to be with a person?

 

I think that if both parties would equally want to work on making it a sucessful sexual relationship that it would be fine. But you need to have that part of a relationship as well its just as important as enjoying them intellectually. My girl is goin through a tuff time with feeling sexual. She used to have an urge for it but it kinda subsided when sex was painful. But its slowly coming back and i know she wants to be lustful again. So I'll let her come around, if it was there once it can be there again. But both need to want it and know it has to be a part of the relationship.

 

The reason I posed this question is because I have been seeing this guy. He's into a lot of pain and torture. Wants to be my slave 24/7, tie him up, slap, kick and stand on his balls, abuse him "against his will", humiliation and being dominated. I'm up for a little of it some of the time but he seems to need it in order to get off. We haven't had sex as of yet because I'm not ready for a relationship but I see this as being a potential conflict if I were to get into a relationship with him. He's extremely warm and affectionate otherwise and I do enjoy his company. I just feel sad because I don't feel I can give him what he wants sexually 24/7. Really the sexual issue is the only issue that makes me iffy about getting involved with him. On every other level, he seems like what I'm looking for. I almost feel it is wrong to avoid the relationship based on just the sexual aspect. It seems shallow but at the same time I feel that ignoring this could cause both of us dissatisfaction on an intimate level and may hinder a connection.

 

absolutely sexual compatibility is important in a relationship. I broke up with someone because the sex was bad (started off good, got progressively worse until it was physically painful, and not in a good way). There are degrees though.... if both people are willing to work it out, and it's not a huge problem (ie someone hardcore into scat play, the other person is a germaphobe), it just takes time and discussion and a bit of experimentation to find out what turns each other on, and how within the confines of acceptable/fun it is for the other person. My ex wasn't willing to listen to what I wanted or needed, or to stop what was hurting me even after I had told him a few times, hence the breakup.

 

You know I had the same problem with my girlfriend with the pain and it was due to the birthcontrol method called the "ring" and it made her have and irritation that would then be painful during sex, any tips since you had a painful sexual encounter on how to make it ok with us. she is on the pill now and the pain has subsided but it might take awhile to get back to wanting it all the time. I'm tryin to be patient. AND to the girl above, youll never know unless you try and he should understand that as long as your willing to meet him half way on the crazy shit he can try to ease up and come to your comfort level as well

 

it was painful because he kept hammering too hard, and was too long, kept hitting my uterus. nothing to do with birth control, about him not being able to control himself enough to not cause me pain.

 

i mean do u wanna pretend u have fun w a guy that u don't REALLY enjoy in bed, it's suicide!!! I have waisted 8 yrs of my life in sa called love relationship with boring (sometimes ok sex, rarely good and never great) I could really brainwash my self to beleive that everything was good and that i was happy, but beleive me, I wasn't.

 

Absolutely. Sexual compatibility is extremely important in a relationship. If you are uncomfortable with this type of sex, my advice to you is to break it off as soon as possible. The reason is that you say you really like him a lot otherwise. That means that the longer you know him the harder it will be to leave him. And as long as he doesn't seem to consider your sexual needs and feelings - only his own - you'll eventually be miserable in that relationship.

 

Well, it's not that I wouldn't enjoy those things.. I just don't want to do those things 24/7, which is what he wants. I would enjoy them but there is so many other things that I would like to enjoy as well. I think that the kinkier things during sex keep things new, interesting and refreshing but the other half of the time I'd like to experience slow, gentle passion that you can't get from playing slave/mistress like he wants. We have fooled around and he does turn me on and what we have done was awkward but still highly enjoyable.

I just don't know how to approach this.. should I try and talk to him and explain to him that I can't do that 24/7 and let him decide if he wants to let go of his fantasy? Or should I just tell him I don't think it's going to work out and just end it before it's really began.

I mean, I'm not in love with this guy or anything but everything else is there, which is so rare for me to find these days.. I just feel like we don't connect yet, sexually. Anyone ever been in a relationship where in the beginning the sex didn't seem like you connected but then developed into something more unified at a later date?

 

I'm not really uncomfortable with the type of sex. That doesn't bother me. I have a few of my own little dominating/abusive fantasies that would otherwise work in really nicely with his fantasies.. it's the 24/7 hitch that bothers me. I feel like if were to do that 24/7 I would miss out on the slow, soft gentle sex... that's the sex that turns me to mush inside. I don't have to have it 24/7 but 50/50 would be nice.

 

Well, in that case, since you do enjoy it, perhaps you should just see how things go for a while. How long have you been seeing this guy? He may get tired of the 24/7 thing after a while. You never know. You could let him know you'd like to do other things once in a while if it appears nothing is changing. But since you are enjoying that part of it for now, hold off on deciding that it may not work out.

 

Well, I've been seeing him for about a month. He tells me that he eventually wants me to be his gf. He did admit last night that it was the first time he had gotten to experience half the stuff I did to him. He has told me that he hasn't ever found a girl as sexually open as me. The feeling is mutual because he has told me that he'd be willing to do some of the stuff that almost every other guy wouldn't even TALK about with me.

The thing that gets to me though is the touching. He constantly wants to touch, even if it's non-sexual. Last night I was sitting up on the bed and he was laying down and he kept rubbing his foot on my thigh. I also woke up several times during the night and every time he was touching me in some way, his hand on my leg or over my my stomach or playing with my hair or holding my hand. I love that kind of stuff. I have horrible horrible nightmares and being physically touched like that tends to get rid of them. Only 2 guys before him has ever held me while sleeping and usually wasn't holding me when I woke up. He was. I guess that's what makes it so hard for me. When he's not sexual he is so affectionate and warm and I can only imagine what gentle sexual exploring with him would feel like.

I was just thinking how unsual my situation is. Most people have the reverse problem. Have all the gentle stuff worked out but want to break the ice with something more kinky... with me, I'm trying to break the ice to get gentle loving.. hah! How ironic..

 

You got yourself a slave! CONGRATS

oh yeah, 24/7. That's not sustainable.

Could you tell him that your needs are met too? You could tell him as your slave he should make gentle love to you.

If you 2 can work it out you could advantage of the situation :X Hmmmm