should I pursue doomed romance?

Okay well there's this girl, and she's been sending out a lot of signals(I think), and I really like her.

But I just don't see how it's going to work. I've never had much success with women, and I don't really know how to go about it. Sooner or later I'll either scare her off or she'll lose interest. She might like me now, but sooner or later she'll find out what a loser I am. I rang her up and talked a bit and I got her email, but I don't really know what to say.

The first time on the phone I just got nervous and ended up babbling. Second time it was like we really clicked and had a great conversation that went on for almost an hour. Then I call her again the next day, and I was a nervous wreck, couldn't put a sentence together, the whole conversation was mostly awkward pauses and forced laughter.

Anyway I don't want to waste her time if it's not going to work out, but I feel like she's exactly what I've been looking for. I just don't think I have the social skills or the experience to make it work. It's the sort of thing some people seem to take in their stride, but to me it feels like any efforts to continue this further will be an uphill struggle to certain failure.

 

you give yourself far too little credit - she wouldn't have tolerated an hour on the phone with you if she didn't already have an interest!

go for it, or you'll always wonder what could have been - even if it bombs, it gives you good memories while it's going on, and propels you higher on the spiral of your personal evolution

 

that's kinda what I've been thinking... even if it's a total disaster, it might help me a little with getting out of this rut I'm in. Or at least provide some motivation.

At the same time it just seems selfish to go ahead knowing it's not going to work. I wish I thought there was a chance, but I've been at a pretty low ebb the last 2 years and the last thing I want is to drag someone down with me.

Thanks for the reply.

 

How do you know its not going to work? You won't unless you give it a shot. Who knows it could work very well. Just try it!!

 

past history, and just the mood I've been in, which is full of doubt.

Sometimes you get discouraged and start thinking something is hopeless. Then it becomes harder to make the effort.

Just putting it down in writing, and getting response, I'm feeling less mopey about things. I don't know why the simplest things can sometimes seem impossible.

:cheers2:

 

come one ebsy...pull yourself together man. i mean this in the best way. you've got nothing to lose. the outcome never matters, what matters is how you conduct yourself throughout the process.

 

Exactly. Even if she might hate you 2 weeks from now, you can at least bang her a few times. Wait that sounded really bad, sorry.

 

agreed, espy - talking about things, writing them out, gives you better perspective on your problems/concerns.......you're making too much out of your own shortcomings - give it a go and let her be the judge, you know? where you see ugliness, she may see beauty

archemetis has a point - it's not the destination that matters, it's the journey!

 

thanks for the thoughts... it helps.

... anyway, I'm starting to think I may have misjudged the situation. I rang her up again, this time to ask her out. I even took a glass of wine to steady my nerve. Didn't really help.

I asked her if she was doing anything tomorrow. Said she was doing stuff with friends. So I said how about tonight? She said she wasn't feeling well, maybe sometime next week. So at that point I lost my nerve and had to say bye.

Dunno if she was trying to give me the brush off or if it was for real. My sister always tells me about guys that pester her, won't leave her alone and I don't want to be one of those guys. It was easier talking face to face. Thinking about how that went, seemed like she was all smiles and giggles and eye-contact. But it's possible she may have changed her mind.

Now I gotta figure out my next move, if there is a next move.

I know this all sounds like really basic stuff, but I'm such a neophyte that I get stressed about it. I feel like at 28 I should know what I'm doing. But I don't.

 

for right now, take what she said at face value - ring her up next week......if you get the runaround again, then you might want to wonder what's up with her - if she was all smiles and giggles talking face to face, she may simply be as shy as you are

 

Yeah, call her back next week. If the same thing happens again, then there's the chance that she's just trying to be polite, and not hurt your feelings, but I'd say there's no point in letting this get to you. Pursue it, if you think she's right for you. You never know unless you try.

And what's it going to hurt if stuff doesn't work out? If nothing else, you're going to gain experience with all of this stuff, and that's priceless. Give it a chance!

 

It doesn't even seem like "doomed romance". I mean, you are assuming it wont work out, but you never know until you try.

 

You don't know if it's gonna work until you try it.
No reason to assume that because she's busy or sick she is trying to give you the brush off - if she's near your age, I think it's more likely that she has learned to be more direct with guys by now.
You really seem to over think things when it comes to relationships - chill out man, and just go with the flow. All that forethought only serves to confuse the situation more.

 

Yeah I know. It's just a little pathetic. If I overthink things, it's because it doesn't come naturally. If I follow my instincts, I might just blurt out something appalling, or maybe I'd just run and hide.

The thing is, up until recently I'd come to accept the idea of lonely bachelorhood. Wishful thinking aside, I didn't see any kind of woman in my future. And I thought I was okay with that.

The idea that there may yet be a chance is a bit of a curveball. It's something I have difficulty believing. I don't feel strong enough. It's making me reassess things and become more open to different possibilities. I started the thread in moment of weakness, I've had romantic ideals, but having to face up to it brought on a sense of doom. I dunno, like being mocked by fate. But that was a temporary thing. I think it's passed.

thanks, I'll bear that in mind. I was thinking I might send an email, rather than look for an answer on the spot.

 

You should play that game "called crash and burn" where you walk around a shopping mall and ask women for a coffee, just go up to any girl that you fancy and say the first thing that comes into your mind, regardless of how stupid it is.

e.g. "don't I know you ?" , "you know what would look good on you ? - ME !!!" (actually maybe you better not say that ...) you might get into serious trouble.

Still say the dumbest and corniest thing you can think of.

The idea is to get over your fear of women.

 

Dude, I've been there. It does come naturally, trust me - it just hasn't for you yet. All skills must be developed. You still have plenty of time to learn to be more socially comfortable.
I didn't even learn to be sociable with males until middle school, and it was my boring ass first job and a lot of pot smoking that got me to chill out and learn to actually be social.
You need to not worry too much about saying something weird - you need to just loosen up and go with the flow. If you're sitting there watching your words and not saying anything, you won't be a very fancy date. Of course, all of us need to check ourselves every now and then, but you can't imprison yourself in fear - let yourself go - give her a chance to like you.

I was a lonely hopeless romantic most of my life, I had one bad online relationship at 16, and I too, then decided to accept bachelorhood. I decided to stop trying for romance, maybe try to get a fuck if I could, and then I met her.

But I was still feeling a little down from all my previous failed attempts to connect with a girl, so I said "fuck it!", and I decided that I should just dive in, show my true self right away, if she likes me, great, if not, then it wouldn't've worked out anyways, right?
Worked for me - I've been with her two and a half years now, not a fight, in a love so strong I didn't knwo it was possible (especially not for me)

 

yes, fuck her..

 

I often thought of trying stuff like that, but it takes guts, and I don't know if I could go through with something like that. When I was out years ago a friend offered to introduce me to any girl I liked. Well, I pointed in the direction of one and he starts chatting her up, and introduces me to her friend(who I'd no interest in). It's a skill some guys have in abundance.

 

thanks, and hey, I'm happy for you. This might be a cop out, but I suspect it's easier to learn at that age. At least if you make a fool of yourself you have the excuse of being young.

I think things could eventually come naturally, but I've got a lot of awkward moments ahead if that's to ever happen.

Hope you have many more happy years with your girl. Enjoy it for the sake of all the hapless losers out here.

 

that'd require some actual balls.

Besides she'd have to let me first, otherwise it's rape.