Should I stay or should I go? (longish)

So my boyfriend recently moved in with his mother (he used to live with his grandmother in another city,and with no car it's really hard to see each other) to be with me. The problem with this is, his mother is a hard core alcoholic. Every time I go over there there's vodka bottles on the floor,clothes, food, boxes, there's even a mouse now which scares the shit out of me. One of the pipes for the kitchen sink broke and there is dishes piled up and he can't really cook with barely any food in the house. Basically the house is unsanitary and in ruins and his mother refuses to call the landlord to fix it because of the mess. She acts like an invalid when she's not and doesn't care to try to make anything better for him. So now he's thinking of going back to his grandmother's place while he looks for work, however he doesn't want to leave me because both of us had been in long distance relationships before and don't want to do it again. His grandmother has now stepped in offering to have both of us move in with her while we look for work and while we save up for a place of our own. Now, as some may know, I take care of my nephew fulltime while my mom works, I don't get paid and have virtually no freedom to do what I want. I haven't started college like I planned and I lost a job when my sister bailed and left me with the baby too many times and I couldn't go. My mother somewhat supports the idea of me leaving only after she officially has custody to put him in daycare..until I really put my foot down and say I want my own life, I'll have to go on taking care of my sister's responsibility while she shoots up and mooches off her friends (don't get me wrong, I love my nephew but my sister appreciates nothing, and acts like taking care of a child in the terrible twos is a piece of cake) So...I want some objective opinions. Should I leave and make an active effort to start my life with my boyfriend even knowing I'll have to make the big decision to go to a new city and leave my family (as well as worry about becoming a burden), or stay and be unappreciated but in my comfort zone? I'm lost.

 

Give them a two week notice so they can make other arrangements and move on with your life.

 

I think that you should make your own choices for your own reasons. Unless you have made a commitment to try and materially improve a communal situation for the sake of mankind or something of that nature, Which I might add you will never be appreciated for, Moooooove along.

 

that is a tough one because i'm sure you love your nephew. but i think both your sister and your mother are being kind of selfish making you give up your life to take care of a child that you had nothing to do with bringing into this world. i think justin hale has it right, give them a few weeks notice, and get on with things.

 

I read your story and I have to agree, it's time to get on with your life. Your going no where fast where your at. Things happen for a reason.

 

Stay (shortish)

 

My mother doesn't really see it as being selfish. She says I wouldn't be in this situation had I gone to college right after high school ended. Which is ridiculous because my sister would just leave the baby with me without asking even when I had a job, that didn't stop her, knowing I had somewhere I had to be. I never said I didn't want to go though, I wanted to put it off for a semester. Now I miss school and leaving could be a chance to do it. There's a college not far from his grandmother's house..

 

Is This The Same Boyfriend You Took So Much Delight In Reducing To Tears Every

Time It Suited You...???...



Cheers Glen.

 

Objectively (and bluntly)
Your boyfriend can't afford to be in a relationship.
You can barely afford (in both time and cash) your own life.

You should spend time with people who can support themselves.
Unfortunately, that doesn't include your boyfriend or your family.

See if get your job back and move into your own place, alone.

Your boyfriend should write you when he finds work, i.e. when he has the ability to be a help to you rather than a drain on you.

 

Thanks for the input Mike, that's a rather tough pill to swallow but I appreciate your candor. It's feeling like a lot of pressure on me, he really doesn't want to accept how much stress this is causing me; he mostly tells me it's the best thing to do and that it shouldn't be a hard decision.

 

My advice would be to think Long & Hard before making any decisions.

I assume since your mom (and sister obviously) don't pay you, that food and shelter are provided at no monetary cost.

What would the situation at you bf's grandmothers be? Does she have the means to take care of 2 unemployed adults without receiving any money in return?

That was a beautiful poem you wrote about your bf the other day, but if my memory serves, there have been some less than stellar posts about him as well.

Sorry him mom has such issues. Will they soon to turn out to be your issues as well? Do you need that right now?

I'm not sure of the time frame in which your nephew will be eligible for preschool. Perhaps wait that out, and in the meantime, your boyfriend can be looking for a job, and perhaps save enough for a place for just the 2 of you to live, if that is still what you wish to do when the time comes.

Hope that made some sense.
Good Luck in whatever course you take.

 

His grandmother can support us both but she recommends we both get jobs soon. And of course I agreed to wait until things were sorted so he can go to a daycare. 2 weeks would not suffice as some others suggested. I couldn't with good conscience just tell them to take care of it within two weeks or I'm going anyway. I don't want this to be considered a runaway case, I want it to be on good terms. I told him I wanted him to go there first and try to get work while I wait this out with my nephew. If by the time he's in daycare he doesn't have enough money then I'll decide whether I want to get a job here and help save up, or go there and do the same. Thanks for the advice Keenman, you're always helpful Thank you again for the compliment about my poem. We have our bad times too but for the most part we are happy. I just think that the bumps along the way bring us closer.

 

Your welcome :sunny:

It looks like you have put and continue to put a lot of thought into whatever decision you make.

Hope everything turns out the way you guys want it to and you have a long and happy marriage.

 

if you ever do finally move out on your own, you'll have to get used to living with a mouse or two at first.

 

Well, we just broke up over it...he's going and it'll be god knows how long until we see each other again, im not willing to continue in a long distance relationship. Maybe when he's on his own two feet (and I as well) we may end up together, who knows. He's leaving me his father's bracelet (that was given to him when he died) but I feel like my heart is broken...

 

So so sorry :grouphug:

 

I'm really sorry to hear you've had to go through all that. I can relate not because I had the same sort of thing happen to me, but because I've been in a situation(or actually two situations) where my heart was broken because of the life situations that we were in at the time.

You never know what the future holds, maybe you will be with him again. Maybe not. I just wish you all the best in life.

 

Oi

Run Forest Run!


PS: Given the thread title, first person to post a youtube vid of the Clash gets shot

 

Vanilla Gorilla, I have that song stuck in my head now because of you! Damn youuu! hahaha

My opinion is mixed when it comes to this post, only because I'm the glue holding my family together right now and I empathize majorly to people with issues within the family-especially yours because I feel the same way as you, only with different predicaments and different people which I won't get into...

Maybe its best you guys broke up right now...only to figure things out. You both need to really sit down and think long and hard about your own futures and the futures with each other and where you want to go individually and together.

I suggest taking time one day and just write these things out...where do you want to go? What do you want to do? And how serious are you about your relationship and future with this guy?

 

That really sucks. But if you really couldn't stand being in a long distance situation, it is probably best that you broke up. I'm not sure what all these other stories about you two were, but if the two of you really wanted to be together, you would have suffered through a long distance wait for a while until you could get on your feet. Enjoy being single for a while, perhaps a little pressure is gone.