Smoking

ok well im not sure if this works here or not but anyway im 17 and my gf is almost 16 and since we've been togather shes quite smoking and cutting herself (with a few slip ups) well apparently she got in trouble last night for trying to steal cigs from her parents, my question is how do i talk to her about it. she was doing good til we had a rather large fight, would it be wrong to threaten her to leave her, wouldnt follow through but is that crossing the line?

 

using threats in an attempt to control her behavior would be very very wrong. It's not like someone can just stop smoking and not be addicted anymore. Cigarettes aren't that easily dropped for most people. It's her life, and her lungs, and there's really nothing you can do about it. Let her know you care about her (if you really do), and leave it at that.

 

I agree with mamaboogie. Why would you want to make pointless ultimatums that you won't back up anyway. At 16 the addiction probably hasn't completely set in but you can't bend people to your will. Discuss it with her and let her make the decision. You can either stay or go from there.

 

Its her life, not yours. Her habit to kick, not yours to force her to stop. Best you can do is be there for support.

 

I think you should break up. Then, you should probably grow up....if you think controlling your SO is in any way a good idea. Maybe in a few years, you can give the relationship thing another try.

 

I would focus on your own stuff instead of hers.

 

shes my life right now so my own stuff can wait I dont have any addictions that are gonna ruin my life. how do you suggest i talk to her? If i let her smoke and say I don't care then she'll find it acceptable to drink again (which doesnt bother me) or smoke pot with the same retarded friends she use to. Shes the kind that if its not drastic it's not important enough

 

If you let her?? Are you her designated parent now? She should be able to find it acceptable to drink, smoke, burn a joint. You should decide if you want a girl that thinks drinking, smoking and pot smoking is acceptable. If you don't then move on!! If you do then be with her. You can not make someone change the way they think. They may even put up with it for awhile. Then they will be doing it behind your back. So if the relationship does work you are now in the Daddy role of trying to catch and control what she does. It will come to a bad ending, trust me. Just decide if She is the woman you want they way she is, and go from there.

 

That very statement is your problem. Get a life and stop trying to fix people who are not asking for your help. Otherwise you will most certainly end up in a very dysfunctional relationship pattern. She should not be your life right now. Perhaps a small part of your dating life, but not your entire life. Get a hobby for crying out loud, she is a person, not a project.

 

i tihnk your attatching yourself too much to her. yes, your her boyfriend, but not her life coach. being with another person is about accepting them and teaching yourself to deal with others that do things differently than you would do. if smoking is a bothersome habit to you, thenlet her go. if you can deal with it, then all you can do is support her through anything; including when/if she decides she WANTS to quit.

good luck with everything.

 

I absolutely loathe smokers and cigarettes, and there is zero tolerance on my part. For this reason, I stay away from them - it's definite clashes of interest. And it is one of the ultimate dealbreakers when it comes to relationships.

You found yourself with a person like her, now find a way out of it. You cannot control a person's behaviour. Don't try it. There is no legitimate love that will justify what you do.

**Be fair to her and explain how much it bothers you. That's the most you can do. But don't expect her to change because you say so, and if she does, are you sure she's doing it for herself? Break it off if you two cannot deal with it.

I've done it, and it's not easy.I definitely compromised my health, and beliefs for something I despised and hated thinking that that was what love was (sacrifices). Wrong. There are some sacrifices that should never be made, not for anyone. There are a lot of screwed up people in the world already - don't add to the numbers, mmk?

 

Just let her do what she does and if you really like her, let her know you're on her side (if you are), but don't try to "educate" her, imagine how you'd feel if she would "educate" you.

 

OK, so I think everyone here is missing the bigger point. I think you need to encourage this girl to get into counselling. She has quit cutting herself, except with a few slip-ups? And she got caught trying to steal her parents' cigs after having a fight with you?

The issue doesn't seem to be a matter of her tobacco addiction. It seems to be a matter of her having some issues that cause her to act out when she is upset. But, then part of this is that I'm assuming she could have gotten the cigarettes without getting caught if she really wanted the nicotine, that she wasn't mostly out for the attention (from you, from her parents).

Given my huge assumptions here, mostly based on having had friends who cut themselves and who acted out in ways similar to the stealing cigarettes as described here, I think this is an issue far to big for you to fix. She needs to talk to a professional. Playing emotional manipulation games with her will just feed into her problems, not fix anything and possibly make things worse.

But, then, these are some big assumptions, so I could be totally off...

 

Do her parents know that she cuts herself? I think they deserve to know this about their daughter.

 

Ok I'm getting attacked a lot more than I expected so im gonna respond to one more attack then just ask you guys to tell me what to do instead of only telling me what im doing wrong.

I think its fair to let the girl I lost my virginity to, who stays at my house twice a week at least, who I spend every second of my free time with to be my life for now. We start school soon so that will change but some you don't realize I'm basically looking for a better way to encourage her. Her parents know she cuts herself they told her a long time ago if she stopped they'd get her a counsler, they lied. She can't go to a school counsler because they tend to go straight to her parents and her parents blame her and don't care much for helping her just punishing her. As far as I can tell shes not out for attention shes ashamed of every cigerette she smokes. For those of you being helpful thank you very much and for those of you attacking me I'm not say your completely wrong but I'm here to seek help and your making it harder.

 

Are there any other options for counselling? Look into local teen centers, department of health services, etc. I think that helping her to find treatment options, especially since she doesn't have support in that from her parents, is the best way for you to encourage her. Emotional manipulation of any sort (including threats of breaking up) will not be productive. You need to support her in seeking help without falling into threats and without unintentionally enabling this behavior. I'm not going to pretend it's easy, or that I have all the answers, or that any one answer will work with everyone... Which is why she should be seeing a professional.

 

no teen centers or anything I know of anywhere around here..

 

They tend to go to her parents? Has she ever actually WENT to her school counselor? My guess is NO. I used to cut myself. I've been there, and I don't sympathize with anyone that does it....it's all for the attention because she feels she doesn't get any. She can and will probably deny it, but it's the truth. I went to my school counselor daily, just for some support....I didn't want my friends to help me, because they all had problems of their own. I didn't go to my parents about it because, at the time, I didn't trust them....normal teen issues. My school counselor didn't ONCE tell anyone about my cutting myself. Going to the counselor didn't make me stop, dealing with the problem myself made me stop. No one is going to be able to help this chick unless she wants to be helped. Sneaking cigarettes and cutting herself everytime you two fight doesn't sound like the kind of person that WANTS your help.
And, as for you LETTING her do anything, you aren't her daddy, you can't LET her do anything. She'll do as she pleases. If you care about her, and want to be with her, the only thing you can do is BE THERE FOR HER. That's the only thing that's going to let her know that someone cares. She'll have to wake up herself and grow up and get over her problems. Until then, deal with her or get rid of her.

 

I know I can't say you CAN OR CANT smoke to her but she respects my wishes of her quiting and she wants to quit I'm not her entire reason and I don't want to be. I don't want be her first thought when she sees a cigerette to be how I'm going to react. Ive asked her to tell me when she does smoke and don't hide it. She usally tells me or I ask. I get disspointed by it but I promise her to be mad about it.

 

i think you guys are over reacting with accusing this guy of trying to control. you're blowing things out of proportion in a grandoise effort...its cute, but seriously now, you know what he was trying to ask and you know hes only trying to help, so cut the kid some slack for phrasing his question is a manner that offended you.

Greg: all you can really do is tell her that her actins are hurting you and hurting your relationship, you don't have to threaten to leave her because she's threatening the relationship on her own...you should give her patients with the ciggarettes as they are addictive and the cutting is another matter in and of itself. keep seeking those positive conclusions you've been getting more of in the way of her reducing her cigg intake and cutting frequency and you two can work towards fixing the problem. so long as shes a willing participant that is... jsut keep up that positive outlook, give her lots of support and be prepared to forgive a few transgressions (while making ti perfectly clear that ist still not good and no transgressions would be better than few) and yea, it should work out in your favour