Ok so I am 33 yrs old and left an abusive marriage about 12 months ago, The thing now is that I believe I may be a lesbian. This is not something that is new to my thoughts as I had thoughts and feelings whilst I was still at school but did what I thought I was supposed to do and got married and had three kids. I also have a history of CSA and so I now wonder if that is maybe why I am having the thoughts I have been having. I am not sure if this is confusing or not but any answers are most welcome. There is a woman I find myself very attracted to and thinking about etc and when I think of finding a partner I think of a female not a male. I live in a small country town and so it will be a difficult thing regardless but I would like to follow through with this with an open mind and see what happens
Better late than never. There are many women like you who have been in abusive relationships and are looking for honest love. I would say don't loose hope, and whatever your faith is, pray that you may find a healthy person to be with. It takes us a lot of time to heal after being abused for a long time, so keep in mind that your healing process is separate from realizing you are a lesbian. You will have to heal whatever got hurt during your previous relationship in order to have a healthy relationship in the future with either man or woman. Small towns are hard for gay people, but believe me, lesbians are everywhere, just have to find out the hiding spots sometimes. But again, at your age and in your situation, I'd encourage you to be as honest as possible and not look for a rebound, or think that being with a woman will be exactly opposite of your previous relationship. Domestic violence exists in gay relationships too.... So again, look deep within first, then look for love. I would say your history of CSA definitely plays a role, but I wouldn't let that stop you. That history is even more reason to really make a change in your life and look for something positive and stop the cycle of abuse. You are still young, but have lost many years already in the wrong place. Life is precious and beautiful. Make a promise to turn things around for yourself, and make sure that your children don't suffer the same things you did. It's not easy, but where there's a will, there's a way.
Hmm, since the girls dont seem to be responding, I'll have a go First off: Hmmm, Ouch, That is going to make things difficult and probably is your biggest hurdle. 33, so I take it your kids are still in primary so a move is out of the question. Any relos living in the big city that you and the kids can visit for a bit? and maybe investigate some social groups whilst you're there. As for the child abuse being a factor, hmmm, dont just concentrate on the sex element, if the abuser was a male, did you have another sister or girls around your age that you felt you had to protect. Consider that might be a factor, learning to be protector of girls early,translating into desire to be a girls no 1 in adult life. If the abuser was female, consider the influence maybe about a redo, trying that relationship again without the abuse of trust. Love and bonding really are a bigger influence later on in life than any early negative or positive sex incidents, me thinks anyway. Just that those that have gone through it tend to focus in the sex part. I say positive sex incidents cos with some gay people early experiences with either gender around the same age is something of an influence In a relationship with another woman do you see your self being; I wont say masculine or feminine, but the more dominant or submisive one? Good to think about that in determing what kind of girl you would want as a partner. I dont know how small your town is, but there is more non-mainstream stuff going on with peoples lives than you may realise, a lot of the time same sex stuff is kept private, so it doesnt attract judgement from others, or to put up an act until the kids get to adulthood. Sometimes when you see husband/wife 2.1 kids, one or both parents are bi/gay open relaionship with their special friends. Sometimes when you see single woman complaining she cant find the right man, she just doesnt want to let everyone know she's gay. That special someone may just be around the corner, or at least somewhere in your town And definatley dont make the mistake like most in society of thinking that only butch girls are gay, there are just as many femme ones as butch ones
What? My reply never posted Will retype later, am tired today, and it was decent sized (though not nearly as long as Gorilla's). Actually - before I bother retyping, I'll ask you the questions I asked at the end. Do you ever fantasize about males, as well? Have you ever felt yourself romantically and intimately close to a male, even your ex?
yeah, I've really got to watch that, especially since I never really bother reading posts longer than one paragraph
My posts started getting longer and longer, and my patience grew for other long posts. So yeah, watch it, they can really add onto your forum time =P
Thanks for the replies everyone and to duck i wouldnt say i fantasize about men generally and there was definately something amiss in my marriage as i found it hard to be intimate with my ex and sex was something i did not enjoy. At the time and maybe even a little now i figured it was something wrong with me like i was inadequate etc and even got to the point that within the marriage that the only sex was not consentual on my part. So as far as romantically or intimately close to a male I would say no.
Okay, I wanted to make sure you weren't one of the many that go homo after a bad relationship, when they are most likely bi. Really, I don't know that I have much advice to you. Stay true to yourself, and even if you are going to use the label of 'lesbian' don't completely rule out the idea of a man - as, sometimes people just meet the right person that can change their mind (whether they identify as straight or gay) For meeting people, look for a club or for lesbians, or for LGB, or if you are religious at all, a nice liberal church that is accepting of gay people; as from personal experience, they tend to flock at those =P In your town or neighboring ones. Or look for a message board for lesbians(or and gays) in Australia if you find meeting someone in person quite challenging. Or if you're brave, join a Facebook group for them =P And if you come out to your children; make sure they understand that there's nothing wron with men (whether they are male or female) just that they don't seem to be right for you, and it's up to them to find out what's right for them. =) Another question: how conservative of a town? Filled with hate-groups and hate crimes - or filled with self-righteous and shifty eyes?
well mum2three I know all about growing up in a small town in Ireland with a rigid conservative mindset although we moved to London when I was 14 for my my dad's work and that's when the rot set in at least that's how some of my God-fearing Catholic relatives saw it. Briefly, had 1st kid at 18 then took to the road living a life not too dissimilar to Kate Winslet's chararacter in Hideous Kinky. I spent some time in Goa then in Australia where I holed up in Nimbin for what seemed like an eternity. Initiallly it was everything I wanted and I lived a self-sufficient life working for accommodation and knocking out cookies and the like to backpackers but then I ended up in a relationship with the man who I got pregnant by by. Even before I found out, he was becoming more and more controlling & I could see where this was leading to and basically got the fuck out before things became unbearable and gave birth to her back in London. To this day I'm not sure if he knows but there hasn't been any contact and that's the way I like it. It was round about this time I became aware of my feelings towards other women, I think I always had them but was in denial, deluding myself that if I so enjoyed being penetrated how could I fancy other women? Anyway, I got friendly with this woman I'd met on the festival circuit who had also been in denial about her feelings and tried to escape them by marrying and having a family.Things escalated to the extent we're now together and couldn't be happier, especially as her 19 year old son is coming to terms with the situation.
Shouldn't be much confusion, if you fancy someone- go for it. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I am gay and happier reminding myself that it is weirder to me to be strait, than it is to be unnatural according to society. Whether CSA or marriage has anything to do with it, just go with what you feel is right, whether it's a man or a woman. Personally I do think you have been effected by a bad marriage, but it's still enough of a reason to obviously doubt your sexuality.
