I awoke this morning feeling as if I had forgotten a part of myself in the realm I had just escaped. I walk to the bathroom, I look in the mirror as I am leaving, I look harder only to realize that I can not find myself. I don't know the girl staring back at me. I stumble back to my bedroom, wondering how it is that I've slipped back into this place I worked so hard to get out of. I go downstairs. My body shakes, my head feels as if it is floating, and there is a haze over my eyes. I'm not hungry but decide to eat in hopes it will help the shakes. I sit down to eat and realize I've made the same food I ate for weeks on end when I was in this state before. I will go through the rest of the day in a haze. It's been 7 months since I last slipped into the white, yet it still comes creeping up on me when I least expect it. Begging for me to open myself up and let it flow in. The bliss of it all is so tempting. Yet, I can not let it win. I have to live these certain days in a haze. Hoping...praying... as I lay myself down to sleep tonight that I will awake with the piece of me I so carelessly forgot the night before.
If you want to take a few days off an hide in Canada, i could figure out some arrangements. Sounds like a pretty crappy state to be in. Please catch me on MSN if you just want someone to talk to, I've also been lost and unable to find myself. Cheers, -Destro (big_carl@hotmail.com)
