sometimes i worry that i'm not cut out to be a mom.

my patience level is so low. i try to work with kai on things, like teaching her letters and nmbers or how to sort out a puzzle, and if she can't get what i'm saying, i get so impatient. i have to just stop so that i don't get cranky with the poor thing. and joey cries all the time, i get so frazzled and frustrated and complain about her, the poor little thing. i feel like such an asshole!

i don't know how not to be an ass, to be honest. things come outta my mouth that i have no business saying, i don't know how not to speak my mind, even when a little diplomacy would be in order. i don't wanna hurt my girls, but i know as they grow up that i'm going to be a total hardass. i mean, there's plenty of people here who've seen me get uppity and way too outspoken, and i'm afraid i'm going to hurt their feelings, and i'm not eve menopausal yet. when my mom hit the menopause era she lost her damned mind. i'm so afraid of being psycho mom. and i love the so much, they're such beautiful babies.

and dave's travelling all the time right now. i had the baby in november then had to move twice, and even now that i'm in the new house and we're gonna stay (supposedly) i'm so tense and wierded out that people who only know me slightly keep asking how i'm doing. dave's worried about me because he has to travel so much.

i feel like i never have my own skin, you know? i'm in constant physical contact with another human being totally dependant upon me for EVERYTHING. if the baby is sleeping, kai wants to cuddle, and i feel resentful sometimes but can't show it. then i feel guilty because i feel resentful. and if the girls manage to be sleeping or occupied, then dave needs my time and attention. i'm just not sure i'm capable of giving it to him, but he needs it. i just can't quite cope right now with people. i've got nothing left.

 

Then you need to discuss with your husband about this. What your children and your husband and YOU need most is for you to feel happy or at least well-adjusted. Feelings of resentment and everything are normal SOMETIMES, but if it's almost a daily thing, you need some time for you. And no one can expect that you can hold out 24/7 without having some time within your own skin if you're the type of person that needs a bit of aloneness.

You're not selfish for needing and wanting some time away from your babies and your husband. And frankly, if you don't get that time alone, that's when you're going to most likely turn into psycho-momma. YOu have to take care of yourself, as well as everyone else.

(((KC)))

 

the day after we got out of the hospital with jocelyn we had to move to a new house because dave had extended his contract with bp durango and the house we were living in was pretty horrible. then dave's boss got up to some nonsense and dave had to be the whistle-blower, which was scary because he MIGHT lose his job. well, after all sorts of trauma and a major meeting, dave's boss ended up tendering his resignation and then dave was promoted, so we had to move to fort collins. so at the end of january, one month after we'd moved into our new home, i brought the girls up to ft collins and found a home while living in a hotel for about a week with the girls. dave came in a day after, loaded in the furniture and spent a couple days. then he had to fly to oklahoma. he spent about a week here, and now he's in orlando for a week.

so yesterday i had an appointment for me and the girls at the doctor. both are behind on their check-ups and immunizations. but there was a lotta snow on the ground and i have next to no experience driving in snow. i didn't wanna take dave's good truck because i'm not experienced, but i couldn't get my suburban to start, i think it's the battery. so i got to the doctor's office a half hour late and kinda got a firm set-down from the secretaries there. they were going to send me home because i didn't have our insurance card. i called dave in orlando, and he managed to fax it to them so that i could see the doctor. i needed to see him for my headaches, i've had such severe headaches lately. but since i was late, they decided to see the girls and get them updated on their shots instead. i had to reschedule for next tuesday for my own personal appointment.

so yesterday the girls were sore and cranky from their shots and we didn't get much sleep last night. i was a bit blue this morning. i'm having a hard time with dave being gone this time. he'll be back on wednesday, but he's got a couple more trips for his job coming up, including a trip to canada for another project start up. i've never done well in the winter anyway...so things just combined to make me a bit blue. my reservoir's a bit dry at the moment. i'd call friends to help, but to be honest, i don't have anything to give them, either.

but the girls and i have had a good day today. took a bath with kai, played with the bath chalks and soaked a while. the baby has been a joy today. she's not crying quite so much as she used to, i think that getting her breastfeeding problems sorted out is helping a LOT. both girls are in such perfect health that it's a huge relief. but the baby eats so much i haven't figured out how to pump any for a babysitter. i just want some rest, i think.

 

Well no wonder you're stressed! i snap at the kids all the time, and i don't have anything like that going on! IMO, if you're at least trying to be civil, that's more than alot of parents bother doing. When you're in a better situation (ie, have some help!) i have no doubt you'll have tons more patience.

 

yeah. i'm feeling better already. started craving chocolate, which is a sure sign i'm pms-ing. i explain to kai that i'm a cranky mommy today and she seems to get the idea. it keeps me from being snappish, and she settles down a little, because she knows when she's cranky, too. it's a big help.

 

my son is very independent and he hates to sit in one spot for too long. I was wondering how could i go about teaching him the basics (shapes,sizes,colors, numbers,letters) and getting him to stop for one or two minutes. any suggestions would help.
thanx
FF

 

btw, mama, that psycho song is hilarious. i've started dancing around like an idiot singing whatever at the top of my lungs and kai thinks it's the funniest damned thing. the neighbors don't seem to approve, though. ;P

 

When I was teaching my cousin letters and numbers the only way to keep him interested was to make drawings, and rhymes to accompany everything, he loved it once he got started. He liked saying the rhymes and picking which pictures represented which letters and things like that. And once he got the hang of it, I could just ask him without the rhymes and extra stuff and he enjoyed learning it straight up and getting it right or getting it wrong and having me explain with pictures or rhymes and laughing at himself because he remembered.

 

well, i feel like a new woman today. you know what i did yesterday? abosolutely NOTHING. i didn't clean my house, i didn't go to the store. i didn't even check my mailbox. i read some, i watched some tv, i played hide and seek with kai, then let her watch PBS kids Sprout. that's it. i ignored my snow-covered sidewalk sinc ei don't have a shovel anyway. i was totally useless and it was awesome. i called my mom, wasted time, had a beer and went to bed early.then dave called, we chatted before he went into the ripleys museum after he had dinner at a steakhouse in orlando and met a bartender who worked with his sister infarmington, nm, and all is right with my world. my baby woke up early, i fed her, tooted her, then put her in her swing and she went blissfully back to sleep. my kai is still sleeping and i'm not going to wake her. it's warm enough outside to go out with the girls if they're covered up enough. i might just stay useless today, too. it's sunday after all.

 

Good work, momma!

I always talked about the medical significance of "Mental health days" in high school. Days where you just did nothing but whatever you felt like.

Maybe those are exactly the thing YOU need as well.

 

i'm in the fort now. it's really nice. i love this town. everyone is so alive and eager. it suits me.

 

KC, you are under a lot of stress, and I know how hard it is.

I'm one of those "hard ass mamas" you are talking about. My kids are very intelligent kids, I expect a lot from them, and although I usually try to be "understanding" ect. I blow my top sometimes, too (And the perimenopause doesn't help, either.) The thing is, my kids know they are NOT going to bullshit me. I say something, I mean it. I get loud. But, mamas like you and me and druminmama ect, We LOVE. We tell our kids that, we have more good times than bad times, we hug after we get upset, we listen if our kids need something, we are usually there when they need us.

No one expect perfection. It is hard to parent. Being a mama is the hardest job EVER.

Hug those little ones, especially after you have had a bad day, or a bad time. Let them know "Mamas get upset, too. Let's both try to do better. I will, and you will." If the learing is stressing Kai out, take druminmama's advice, or even take a break from it for a while.

Sage learned to read very early, (about 2.5 to 4 years old) but the ONLY way that happened is that Sage really wanted to, and I let her lead. When she doesn't want to read, we don't do it. If she doesn't want to do her math, we skip it and put it on the shelf for later. She hates nothing more than being pushed.

My dh doesn't understand that. He'lll start grilling her about things, and she HATES that, and the she shuts down and refuses to talk to him or look at him (it doesn't take much.) Then he gets all pouty, because, "She doesn't lke me." (Oh, God, sometimes I feel like I have FIVE kids.) I've learned with the other kids, that sometimes quitting an activity, when you just start to see the build up to a freak out, better than trying to stop the freak out once it has started in total. (And I mean either me or the kid's freaking out.)

Intense people have intense relations with their children. You aren't going to be a totally different person with your kids than you are IRL.

Try to chill, maybe get some help with the kids an afternoon a week (be there, so that the baby knows you are there, but take a bath, or watch a movie on cable, or read a book, while your mother's helper does the scut work for an hour or so) so you can maintain your sanity.

Most of us have been there. You can be an intense mama AND a good mama. I know you already are.

 

OK, case in point, right this minute. Moon was sitting here, in our library, writing her book. While I am online. She sat there for about a half an hour, without a word. Then all of a sudden, without a word, she gets up, and sticks her face into the computer screen. EYes wide, and looking at the screen not making eye contact with me.

I like my privacy on the computer, and Moon is one of those kids who freaks out, if her sibs walk in the room without knocking. Or someone even looks at her funny. So, I said, "MOON, could I please have some privacy? I am trying to do something here." She starts to freak out, (Imagine teenage angst in action, along with aggravation screeching and whining) "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I was JUST trying to say good night to you. I wasn't looking at your stupid computer screen!!!" So, I go to hug her, thinking it was just a misunderstanding, and she stomps out of the room. *sigh*

How was I to know that her sticking her face INTO my computer screen was an attempt at affection? She said NOTHING, just pushed her face into my personal space, with no warning. She 17, by the way, not a baby. Teens can be as rough to deal with as toddlers.........

Anyway, it is just an example that we go through similar things. Every day.

 

That sounds great, you had a good day, without compromising your sanity, you were happy, your kids were happy, you don't have to be supermom everyday and the mail doesn't need to be checked, and the house doesn't need to be deep cleaned.

Maggie Sugar I admit to being like that as a teenager too, it's unavoidable I think. There's no way to explain it, I'd be frustrated with my mom for not reading my mind, and frustrated with myself for expecting her to.

 

Every parent has days when he or she wonders how many kids will make it through to the next dawn.

 

{{{Hugs}}} KC, you're way too hard on yourself sometimes. You're a damn good mommy, and I know you love your little girls dearly. Cut yourself some slack sweetie, the first year of life is one of the hardest to muddle through.

Much love...