Son-in-law and his mother

I have a son-in-law with a crazy situation that affects the whole family. My daughter asked her mom-in-law for some compliance with some simple requests regarding my daughter's children...not feeding the kids too much sugar, not giving them anything and everything they want, etc...the kind of things that concern young parents. These are not onerous requests. His mother ignored the requests, and even has a cupboard filled with goodies that the kids are free to enter any time and eat away.

One grand daughter told my daughter that grandma had given her and her 1 year old brother a bath, which is to be expected if the kids need one. However, the grand daughter also mentioned that grandma had climbed into the tub with them. My grand daughter is about to turn 5 and my daughter asked her mom-in-law to "cease and desist" that kind of behavior, to which she replied, "certainly not!" Now, it turns out that the woman did that with my son-in-law and his older brother the entire time they were growing up. She claims to be somewhat claustrophobic, and will not close the bathroom door whenever she occupies the room for whatever reason. Until recently, my son-in-law thought nothing of being invited into the bathroom while his mom was in the tub, which leads me to wonder if there was ever anything more to it than just her being very free to walk around the house with nothing on, which she has done. I really have no problem with that kind of freedom, but it goes a bit overboard when others who may be uncomfortable with it are in the house.

At the least, her taking a bath with a 5 year old is indecent exposure. At that impressionable age, the grand daughter is asking all sorts of questions. My daughter is quite upset, and her husband is in the middle and quite torn. Thankfully, he has sided with my daughter, and they refuse to allow the grand children to go to his mom's house without parents. It has caused quite a rift in his family, and even his brother has become involved, texting my son-in-law and giving him grief for depriving the grand mother of seeing the grand children.

The grand mother is a very controlling sort, and the family tends to be very matriarchal, which is to be expected, I suppose, given her personality. NO one crosses her, including her husband. So now, my daughter is considered a bad mother and is trying to break up the family, which she isn't trying to do. She is trying to raise her children the way she sees fit with some modesty.

While this may seem to some to be much ado about nothing, its a real problem in my daughter's family and I really don't see a resolution.

 

As popular as it is to "let it all hang out"...my immediate thought is EWWWW on the mother-in-law your daughter is having to deal with. I also agree with (seriously) wondering about the fact that 2 fairly grown sons were exposed to a naked mother bathing...and that everybody was FINE with that. THAT almost made me throw up a little in my mouth!

My son is 29 yrs old. By the time he was 5 years old, he himself insisted on bathing completely by himself, and I was to come in only if called. (ha) But then I allowed him to "have his own space", and especially on matters such as bathing he was allowed privacy...since he adequately washed himself! Good Lord...what kind of strange shit did that woman teach to her children I wonder.

I say that about my son because he grew up to be a happy and well-adjusted man.

I think your daughter should defintely keep those kids away from that strange and controlling woman - for their mental health. To hell with her being accused of "breaking up the family"...IMO the most sane thing for her to do for the good of her children would be to keep her children away from that woman unless she is there!

Good luck to y'all.

 

That sort of behavior might have been okay in the past but I would say its inappropriate now.. and I don't think your daughter is overreacting or a bad mother at all. good luck sir.

 

Thanks. I didn't think she over-reacted, acted prudishly, or that she's trying to break up a family. The other thing I didn't mention is that my grand daughter is the first girl born into their family in three generations. When she was born it was a big, big deal. Now, she doesn't get to go to grandma's often enough, so the mother-in-law threatens to sue to see her more. She never goes through with it because she knows her dirty laundry will come out. Gotta love family life...

 

It can all be quite pleasant. Really. Gma can see the kids in any other setting then within her home. Your daughter, and her husband go in as a united front to Gma and give her this news. If brother chimes in, they can politely inform him they have settled the matter.

If your daughter and son-in-law decide to let the kids go to Gmas house, it is not reasonable that either of them tell her what she can do in her own home. It's a simple as that.

 

Cali, that's how things stand now, if the kids go over, the parents are there. Unfortunately, they can't be trusted to babysit the kids, which they did all the time previously.

 

Yea, good decision. They aren't going to like it, but they screwed up. Your daugher can stay strong as long as her husband is behind her.

 

She's strong as it is, but it definitely helps to present a unified front.

 

I don't understand why grandmothers are so disrespectful of the parents wishes.

At this point, it makes me feel that when I have kids - family aren't going to be allowed to watch them for extended periods of time..

 

Well, if it was me hearing that, I would have called the cops

 

VG, believe me, we almost did. However, it was handled without their intervention. It would have put everything into the public arena, and we didn't want that at this time.

At this point, my daughter doesn't believe she can trust her mom-in-law, so the supervision has not ended, and it will not.

 

Faelixx, it was just a thought but we never considered acting on it. When we heard the story, it was the grand daughter telling her parents that "Grammie" had bathed with them, so it wasn't like anyone caught them in the tub together.
The problem is that she has not and will not respect the parent's wishes in any matter. great or small.
As it turns out, today is the grand daughter's 5th birthday, and there is a party on Sunday at my daughter's house. It will be interesting to see what happens over the next few days.

 

I hope the day is basically cordial, albeit a little awkward.

We have a family situation ourselves where my sister is not premitted to be with her 2 grandkids by herself either. The little boys are ages 1 and 2, and she grows too frustrated and impatient. Her daughter in law doesn't want them to be around it.

 

My boyfriend's sister was in the same situation with her mom. She didn't let her mom see her grandkids at all, supervised or not, for a year. And nothing changed once they made up and started seeing each other again.

I hope your daughter keeps that in mind. Her mother in law sounds like the stubborn type of woman that would not learn her lesson and would continue to do the same thing if your daughter ever trusted her with her kids again.

 

Your daughter and son in law are doing the right thing, I feel bad for the grief they are catching from other relatives about it. Bottom line, these are their children and boundaries need to be respected, I hope they stay strong and that sunday goes well for the sake of the child (family drama during a birthday celebration would be sad)

 

Woah, man~ Why not just try to be a little more open-minded, from the sound of it it doesn't sound like the grandmother has hurt the kids in any way.~ Live and let live, my advice just try to be a little more open-minded man and a little less up-tight.~

On the other hand you can raise your kids however you want to raise them, even if it means teaching them to hate themselves or to feel bad about certain parts of their body for whatever reason, they're your children man.~ But we could all benefit from broadening our horizons man.~

When it comes to getting along other people, it's a good idea to try to meet them half way, at that's what I think.~

 

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Bliss, my daughter is as open-minded as the next person. You're right that she has the right to raise her kids the way she and her husband want. They are trying to raise them with a sense of modesty. It's important to my daughter that the mother-in-law simply abide by her rules regarding the children. She wants the kids to eat right, avoid excess sugars, and grow healthy. It's important that the kids know right and wrong, and to my daughter, having an adult expose themselves to the kids needlessly is wrong. She wants her daughter to know that adults do not parade around naked in front of children. She wants he children to know that if someone does that, they need to tell my daughter and avoid potential abuse. While this situation is not abusive in itself, it can open the children to thinking, ok, if Grammy does it its ok. Maybe its ok if this man does, too. There are plenty of abusive people who prey on innocent children. Innocence is quickly lost.

It's a basic concept that adults are not to be naked in front of children, especially impressionable ones. I know several people who have emotional problems because of childhood abuse by adults. I will grant you that nudist families are a different matter, in that the parents allow such behavior. However, my daughter is not a nudist. She simply wants consistency in how the kids are raised.

 

Mmmk, man.~ I don't think the problem is adults being naked around children, that kind of sends a mixed message in that they'll might believe that simply being naked in front of children is somehow wrong in of itself.~ I think instead of focusing on the nudity they should be focusing on making sure that the kids know not to let anyone touch them in certain places, especially strangers.~ Kids are really smart, smarter than you think you be specific with them and clear and they'll get the message, you be vague and confusing with them and they'll be really confused.~ If the kids can wash themselves, the grandmother will have no problem with this.~ Even if they don't decide to try to make things up with the grandma, (sugar crap food is a big issue), they should still be more specific when it comes to adults and children about nudity, where nudity is ok, where it is frowned upon like in many USA public areas, where it is not ok to let other people touch them, and most importantly WHY: for a lot people it's hard to be nude around them because they don't understand the thought that it's no big deal, it's not ok for other people to touch them in certain places because it could lead to them getting hurt.~

 

keep those kids safe

those grandparents are obviously not right in the head

 

My inlaws are not allowed to babysit my children. They don't listen to my instructions, and actually seem to go out of their way to do the opposite of what I ask, as if trying to prove that they know better than me.

The last straw was many years ago, when my boys were given too much pop before bedtime (I don't even buy pop, it's shit) and then my youngest was made to sleep in the bed with my mother in law. Never again. They also "don't believe" in my oldest having Asperger's syndrome. Their reaction was "well, he doesn't act that way at MY house".

So if my mother or my brother are unavailable, I just stay home. My kids are more important.

My husband disagrees with me, so I don't discuss it much, I just take care of babysitting arrangements. The boys are now 14 and 11, and we now have a 2 year old.

Your daughter is doing what she feels is best for her kids, as she should. :2thumbsup: