Sterilization

So okay, first of all a little background.
My fiancee and I have been together for three years and will be married this summer... he has a kid with his ex, and I've had an abortion...we know that we don't want kids...
Our sexual life has been under a lot of stress since my abortion... I don't have as much desire anymore, because I'm too nervous about pregnancy...and I'm on the pill, but I often worry about the risk I'm at being a smoker. I do want to quit smoking some day but, it's not as simple for me to just quit, I've tried everything, and I always go back to smoking. I just want to be able to not worry about pregnancy, and not worry about the risks of the pill or forgetting to take it (which I dont, but if I did, I'd be a basketcase)

We've both decided that some sort of sterilization is best for us... but we aren't sure if I should get it done, or if he should. We both know that the recovery process and cost for him would be much less, but of course, he's still nervous aboutthe procedure. I do know, that if he opts against it, I will go ahead with a tubal litigation, but the cost is so much, and I'm not sure I could afford it...
which is my main question here: is there any type of help or insurance that would cover at least, part of it?

I will not push the idea of having a vasectomy on him, because it is a personal choice, and I completely understand if the procedure freaks him out. (I did offer though, to pay for the entire cost of having one if he decides to..I figure if he has to go through the procedure, then its only fair that I offer to pay.) But, because we both dont want children, and because I'm sick of worrying about the pill day in and day out, I have come to the decision that I would have a tubal if he doesn't have a vasectomy, and he's okay with that too. I'm not worried about the recovery much... I had an abortion, and I know I'm strong enough to go through whatever it takes to not have children... but the cost does freak me out.

Also, how do I find a doctor that I can talk to about this? Im not even sure which way to go... I know I can call the 800 number for Planned Parenthood, but I want to have more options, outside of Planned Parenthood, too, so that I can find a doctor I feel comfortable with, and a price that's right.

I have my mind set and I'll search high and low for a doctor that will do this for me, if any refuse...
So...where do I start?

 

I say have him get the vasectomy. He's the one with the child already. I know you say that you absolutely don't want children, but, and I know you've probably heard this a million times and I'll be the million and one person to tell you, you're only 20 years old. Your attitude could change dramatically in the future, you never know.

Besides, if he gets the vasectomy, and later on down the line the two of you decide that you do indeed want children together, he can get a reversal done. Just a thought.

I don't know enough about tubal ligations to really give advice there, however, I know my OB/GYN says that it much easier for a man to get a vasectomy than it is for a woman to have a tubal ligation.

 

your too young. Take Birth control and wait.

I'm only 22 and my ideas of having babies has changed drastically in just 2 years. At 18 I was never going to have babies, ever. Now I want them. Not right now but in a few years. You will change, baby. Don't give yourself a no go forever. Deal with the emotional issues you have surrounding it now.

Birth control sucks. Sometimes I wish man had to deal with the burdan and not us. But don't give up so young. You WILL change and I would hate to hear about someone who finally comes into their baby wantings and fucked because they choose to young to NEVER have them.

Yes there is aboption, but to many it is not the same feeling. Please wait girl. You can always have kids or not. Deal with your deal about being so scared of having them first before you cut yourself out.

 

haha sorry 4 years. I'm a dumbass

 

Yeah. I always said I didn't want kids, but after I passed 27 their is definite baby lust. you have no idea what could be waiting around the corner and if you get something permamnent now, you may regret it later. Keep your options open,stick with the pill.

 

Or use condoms....or even spermacide...

There are so many other options out there...that don't contain those horrible hormonal imbalances.

 

Thanks; I'm going to talk to my doctor about it, first, and see what she thinks...where we should get it done, and which one of us should; I agree that it would be better for him to do it, but I'm also not going to push it on him, because its his body. If he's too freaked out about the procedure, I'm not going to try to talk him into getting it done, I'm a big girl and can handle it if it does come down to me having a tubal.

And yes, I've heard the "You're only 20" story a thousand and one times, but just because I'm 20, doesn't make me any less capable of making good decisions and knowing what I want. I also know that, if hypothetically my mind did change, I'd be fully prepared to deal with those consequences, and I'd adopt.

I've thought about this for a very long time... and I know all of my options, and I know what sort of consequences I'd have to deal with if my mind ever did change... but I can't stress enough how sure I am, and that I know my mind will not change.

I've been pregnant, and it's not for me... I couldn't even handle a couple weeks of pregnancy, without feeling terrible. I didn't like knowing that there was a life inside of me (a life, of its own) and that everything and anything I did could affect that life. It wasnt beautiful, or amazing to me like it is most pregnant women... It was disturbing and depressing for me. I can not deal with that, and I know that, that is not going to change. It's not in my state of mind, its in my entire personality. It's not even a question in my mind... every girl I know, has this doubt, this "Well, maybe someday, but now"...and its not even close to that for me, its more like "no way, no how" with anyone, at anytime.

And I wish with all my might that it was something I could explain but I can't. It's very abstract... its something I've always known, and it's something that I've always known would be permanent and never change.

Before I became pregnant, and knew what it was like to be pregnant, I thought at the very least that maybe I could endure a pregnancy and do the adoption option, but that's not in the cards for me. The pregnancy didn't suck because of my situation, or because it was unplanned, it sucked because I couldn't deal with knowing that my body wasn't my own anymore, that something/someone was living off of me.

I'm not ignorant, and I know that at 20 theres still a lot for me to learn, and my mind is very open about everything---except this. And I wish people would just stop doubting me, because I havent even a hint of doubt...

I could go on with an enormous list of reasons that back up the general feeling of never wanting children, but I don't think I need to... just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean that I have to have children, or that I'll ever want to.

I don't like that just because most other women have had their minds change on them, or because they experienced the whole "ticking biological clock" that they think every other woman is going to feel that way at some point too.

And I'm not anti-kid either for further clarification, I dont hate them or think theyre brats like some young girls say. I just dont want any, and any of my own to be quite exact.

 

No one thinks your stupid...and it's a little unfair for you to assume that we think you are...

We just want you to make the right decision and not something too rash...if we didn't care, we'd tell you to go for it and not offer any other options.

As a woman, you have the right to choose what you do with your body...but you also should remember that everyone grows and changes...things happen in our lives that we can't predict that might change our entire perspective...

You weren't ready for pregnancy and I believe, even if you disagree, that that was probably why it was such a negative experience...

Even if you don't agree with our opinions, and we don't agree with your choices...we aren't here to judge you...do what you think is right for you, but remember there is always room for growth and change. Don't limit yourself.

 

also, my life is just as fufilling without a child or anything else... Im completely comfortable in that.

 

Im sorry, I really am, I didnt mean to come off harsh, but I guess I did because I just wish others could understand how exactly it is that I feel... its not something I think anyone could really comprehend, its completely un-explainable. I dont know maybe someone could understand, but I just feel like in the midst of all this, everyone is completely misunderstanding where Im coming from because either they havent made up their minds or they've already had kids ...and of course, most mothers, feel like its the best thing that ever happened to their life...and Im up against that, Im the minority... you know what I mean?

I have trouble explaining it at all without sounding harsh, but I dont want to come across that way, I just want people to understand ...its like, even through all the church and religion classes my parents put me through, I always knew I didnt believe in that particular religious philosophy... it was one of those things that never settled with me, and I knew it never would.

I totally understand that I will grow and change, but I wish I could make people understand that this is completely different....I cant even put it into words, and its really frustrating.

And whats worse is I know Ill have to find a way to explain it to doctors... and it makes me nervous...it makes me nervous that theres a possibility that the doctor won't be able to understand eihter.

I really am very sorry, and didn't mean to offend... I'm just stressed beyond belief; I feel extremely alone in the way I feel..it seems like nobody can grasp where I'm coming from..and I dont mean for that to sound like Im assuming or being lame about it... it's just how I feel. My counselor is quite possibly the only woman who seems to REALLY get it, and I dont want that to sound mean either... but shes in her forties and has never had the desire to have children either, and she just *gets* it... and I wish so many other people could too. Its stressful for me.

I'm glad my fiancee is supportive and that we agree... but its difficult to even count that for anything when I talk to other women because "hes a man"
And yeah, he is, and he doesnt know what its like to be pregnant and never will, but he does understand how strongly I feel about it, and that its not just going to go away and change.

 

i still use condoms too...polyurethane with spermicidal lubricant... but i dont think i could trust it enough by itself, without the pill backup.

i get nervous, as is, using both, combined.

and i do realize that, its ridiculous to still get all worked up when im using both methods...

I wish I could just abstain.... unfortunately, I have too many *needs* lol.

 

I know you feel the way you do just because you do and it is very REAl. I am only 2 years older than you and understand your position. But know you WILL change, in one direction or the next. We are always growing, each and everyone of us. You are smart. You are reliable. But know you are not at the peak of your knowledge. Me neither. And that is why we are concerned. b/c we care.

If you go through it we're happy to support you. If not, same. Just understand our position and may you live the happiest life possible.

 

Unfortunately, if you can't explain it to us how you feel to make us understand...then chances are, you won't be able to explain it to a doctor...and I don't know that there is a doctor out there with any ethics that could give you a TL without a really good explaination and reasoning.

 

even if one of the reasons that I'm in therapy is because I've had panic attacks for years, revolving around pregnancy?

and, that I feel like I want to seriously kill myself when I was pregnant, and when I am scared that I might be?

I'm getting help for it... but it still doesn't change the way I feel about it...

But this isnt something I thought I should tell the doctor anyway, they would probably just tell me to get help... which I already am...

I have no doubt in my mind that if I couldnt have gotten that abortion I would have ended up hurting myself... no matter how terrible that sounds, thats how desperate I felt, and still feel.

 

Will your fiancee go with you to talk to your doctor? Without pushing him to do anything he's uncomfortable with, I would push him to go with you to talk to the doctor together to discuss both procedures.

I really only skimmed the responses, so I don't know if anyone has mentioned this, but I used to know a woman was in her early 20s and wanted to get her tubes tied. She already had one child that she was raising and had given a second child up for adoption -- so you couldn't really use the "well, what if you change your mind about kids someday" line on her. She still couldn't find anyone willing to perform the operation on anyone under 25. I don't know for sure if that was in general or if that was a limitation on her insurance policy, I wasn't that close with her to remember that detail.

But, that is definitely something to discuss when you talk to your doctor -- is it worth it to you to wait a couple of years if it could save you a couple thousand bucks (if some insurances will cover it after a certain age)? Are there any limitations where you live on how old you have to be to get this done? And, are there any comparable limitations and/or price differences for vasectomies?

I totally agree with you on not wanting to push him into anything that he's too uncomfortable with. But, at the same time, considering the difference in how invasive the procedure is and considering how easily reversible a vasectomy is, I must admit that I would think him rather selfish if he let you go through a TL because he's having issues about a vasectomy.

 

I'm completely with you on this one babe.

I know kids aren't right for me either, and I'm only 20 and know that I'll never want them.
I'm a very angry and violent person, and I know better than to try and deal with a child that I could end up abusing.

The thought of pregnancy terrifies me too. I certainly do not want something living off of me. That totally creeps me out.

I think you are doing the right thing.

 

It looks as though I am 3 years older than you, and 5 older than apples + oranges, and you know what? I'm in the same boat with her. I've always had this fear of being pregnant and dying, also the whole thought of being pregnant and having a living being inside of me makes me nausous. I have been married for almost 4 years now and both of us have no desire to have children. Honestly I don't think it's fair to assume that everyone WILL change their minds and want to have children.

Myself? I am getting an IUD this next month... less drastic than TL but I know that there is a risk of infertility involved in having an IUD, but that isn't a great concern to me.

Apples + Oranges- I'd say think it through like you have been, maybe talk to your dr and also whoever you've been seeking help with and see what their take on it is, no it isn't their decision, but they may have some information for you that would be helpful. Also, I heard that they don't normally do TL for women under a certain age, which if that is the case you'd fall under. Good luck!

 

well... my fiancee and I did some more talking and, we're probably going to go with the vasectomy... well, we are, but, I don't know how soon.

he was really cool... he doesnt want me to get a TL, because it has more risks and what not, and I just... ugh Im all gushy over his support. <3

it calmed me down a lot, when he said this... and I asked him at least a hundred times if HE was sure, because I dont want him to do it just for me... and he's not, so thats good.

 

I dunno much about this subject, but I DO know that there are reverse vasectomies. I would assume that they tie or block off the flow of sperm some how. My cousin had this done and has a child on the way with his new wife. I know you have your mind set, but that may change when you are in your 30s.