The effect of weed on behaviour and relationships

Hello Old Hippy.

I am looking for some advice on whether you think the amount of weed my ex boyfriend smokes has an affect on his odd behaviour, and was detrimental to our relationship. And if that was the case how I can help, as unfortunately I am still very much in love with him.

I was with my ex for over 3 years, and we were best friends for 4 years previous to that. We have been apart for nearly a year.

He started smoking weed later than many of our other friends who have now either cut back significantly or given up due to jobs, relationships and families. In recent years he has become more and more reliant on the drug. I am not opposed to smoking weed, but feel that it should be seen as a recreational habit, much like drinking, and therefore smoked in moderation rather than in excess or, as in his case, a 'need' to cope in daily life.

He has surrounded himself with other friends who smoke constantly (although not as much as him and also with less effect on their personalities), and distanced himself with his friends who do not.

In recent years, he has become increasingly disengaged and cynical with and about life. During our time together he cancelled plans on a regular basis, constantly lost himself in a specific computer game, and the only thing he organised was inviting his other smoking friends over to our house. We became co-existers rather than in a relationship. Over the last year he has become even more reclusive.

Things became very rocky with us, and a pattern emerged of him messing up and then apologising about his behaviour (mainly smoking too much, playing on his computer too much, ignoring our relationship and general selfish behaviour). He hardly ever left the house, was lethargic, irritable and resentful towards me for wanting a healthy relationship. His moto was to do what he wanted, when he wanted without having to answer to anyone. I was at the bottom of his immediate priorities as he said we had a whole life together and he would sort himself out when we got married, had kids etc.

We always planned to go and live abroad for some years so put our plan into action. He just couldn't get himself together to follow it through. I tried to help him but he seemed to resent me for this, so after a lot of heartache, I got a job abroad and left the country.

After 7 months we got in contact. He told me how much he missed and loved me, and realised the error of his ways after much time to self reflect. I tried not to hope too much, but went home for a short visit. When I saw him we clicked straight away and I allowed him back into my heart. He told me he wanted to come and live with me, and spend the rest of his life with me. We planned for him to get a job and do just that. He asked whether I thought he was depressed and said that he wanted to do things with his days rather than monging about.

However, it only took a matter of days before his lethargy was apparent. He couldn't motivate himself to do any of the things he had suggested we do during my time back home, and he opted to stay in bed and then smoke with his friends. Once again I became the bottom of his priorities and a person to resent. I know that he resents me for two reasons; 1) because he knows he is doing what he says he doesn't want to do - that being 'nothing', and 2) because he knows I expect more for us and he can't cope with these expectations.

He then backed out of everything he said, and I am left confused, frustrated and broken hearted.

He is a bit of a conundrum (although I seem to understand him more than most), and a complex character with or without weed. Therefore I fully accept that he is never going to be an easy person to get along with, but I fear that the amount he smokes exaggerates the bad parts of his personality; he has difficulty with his emotions, control and authority issues, detaches himself from those closest if he feels he needs them too much, and resents those closest to him. Weed seems to exaggerate his problems. He becomes extremely irritable, angry and irrational. There is no arguing or getting through to him as he is so self righteous, even when his friends tell him he is being an idiot. He has all these random thoughts that are impossible to follow. All of these traits have worsened with the amount he smokes. He really is like Jekyll and hyde.

The problem is I know he loves me. I am the only person he has ever committed to. He has a dream to be with me but always at the last minute cannot seem to find it in him to follow through his dream. I know the picture I have painted of him isn't good, but he can be amazing; he is very intelligent, funny, likeable and can be caring and kind. It is just so inconsistent and hard for him to maintain.

He admits he is unhappy in his life because he lives in a hole, never has any money (he earns a decent salary but spends all his money on weed), doesn't go anywhere and even sometimes admits that his socialisation is a problem because it revolves around smoking. But other times he denies that weed effects him and is therefore a problem.

I believe on some levels he recognises that the amount he smokes has an effect on his motivation and personality, but that he is unable (through fear of changing his life, denial or lack of motivation) to change his life.

I am now back abroad and have not been in touch with him since I returned. I know he will find it too difficult to accept my help but I cannot stand to think of him throwing his life away, whether it is to be with or without me.

Do you think that the amount of weed he smokes would effect his behaviour in the ways I have described? And if so do you have any advice for me to try and help him?

Thanks

 

alright...sure...weed can be a motivational night mare for losers that think getting high is the goal...unfortunately many people dont realize that you can still go out and achieve shit with a few doobies in your pocket...this fucking idiot that you are in love with doesnt know how to manage his habit and be part of society...he thinks the couch is the goal......the change will only come from within...your only hope is to make major conscessions or get this loser out of your life till he knows how to smoke doobies AND make his lady happy......

 

I am old now and smoke no more. In my youth I smoked weed all day, for 6 or 7 years. Plus all the rest of the crap we ingested at the time. (OK life was good) I learned something from that.

I lost all of my non drug taking friends

Most of my drug taking friends ended up in jail

I couldn't support myself as most employers preferred you not smoke an illegal substance during work hours

I didn't want to get busted


I decided to limit my intake to weekends, parties etc,

I am a compulsive: I ended up a raving alcoholic. Luckily, I stopped on my own. I turned my compulsiveness toward stopping the intake of everything, I managed to keep my job and my wife. 30 years later I still crave a high, almost everyday

Your boyfriend is a compulsive: call it what you want. Talk to him about AA or whatever the weed equivalent is, it's all the same. But HE needs to make the decision. You can give him as much support as you are prepared to give but he needs to make the final decision to control HIS problem.

Good luck and Peace

 

and don't forget to luck after yourself. If he does turn around, you need to be 100% if you want to help him. and if he doesn't you need to be 100% for you

 

i would like to point out the following to op and to uitar...7 years is nothing...you're a pup...i smoked every day and still do since i was 15...until i retired i held a job ALL of my life.. millions of people use weed every day and maintain a solid life style...it is very possible

 

their are lots of people who smoke pot and lives normal lifes

 

I think it affects people differently...personally I feel inebriated from mairjuana and I've come to the conlcusion after ~8yrs of daily smoking that I can't do as good a job of anything while high, other than thinking a lot. However I know many successful people that smoke a ton of weed. I've also come to the conclusion that addictions are the symptom of a greater psychological condition. He has a lot of work to do if he wants to change.

What you should do is try to get him to stop for just a few days...when I did this I had so much energy and zest for life I was able to realize what a dead beat I'd been. I still go on binges of smoking for a few days but when I begin to not want to do anyhting I realize its time to quit it again.

 

It sounds like more of a mental disorder such as being bipolar,the smoking may be only a symptom. This may be the only way he has to cope.

I knew a man that would smoke a joint and before long he would become mad enough to fight. I always said that he was the only person that I had ever seen that weed made mean. Eventually he stopped smoking anything and found that he had a disorder,he refused to accept help and now lives as a hermit.So you may be kicking the dog while the cat is at fault.

 

The guy has underlying issues that are causing this, weed is just the excuse he is using.

Any substance is bad when you use it as an excuse to avoid living life.

As for him... this is the second time I've said this today about similar people... he has no reason to change as long as people around him are accepting his current behavior...

It's really sad that the best lesson you can help someone you love learn, is that your love isn't a free pass to treating you badly, and that the only way you can teach them that, is by leaving them.

So, either way, you lose someone you love...

He may learn a lesson he apparently needs to learn, but it isn't going to help you, because if you go back to him, (unless years have passed and there has been significant long term change), the lesson is moot...

 

Weed's effects aren't a one size fits all proposition... The guy is behaving like a classic addict and is likely using weed as a crutch- and only surrounding himself with people who will enable him to continue with the abuse. He needs to take a very long break and work on getting his life back together- but he needs to do this on his own.... and you need to draw the line at what's acceptable within a relationship should you choose to restart one (I don't recommend it).

I wouldn't be surprised that there's some underlying depression that the marijuana use is magnifying. As Tom said, any substance is bad when you use it as an excuse for avoiding life... I suspect the guys attitude toward marijuana is less than healthy as he seems unable to strike any balance in its use.

My advice to you is to find another boyfriend... one who smokes a LOT less weed- if any at all.

 

i've smoked weed pretty much everyday for the last 5 years or so. in that time i've earned a bachelors and a masters in biochem and i'm working on my Ph.D. at the same time though, i can notice some of your ex's behaviors in myself. most of my friends revolve around weed. i prefer to spend much of my time at my apt or at least just me and my gf doing something. but when i do go to a party or something i have a good time. i spend a lot of time on the computer even though it might make my girl unhappy. and part of me knows that it's time for me to quit smoking weed. but another part of me thinks there's really no problem, and it's "just weed." i don't have a nicotine, caffeine or alcohol addiction and i rarely take any of those substances, so why can't i smoke some weed?

 

Who said you couldn't?

 

I think your love and concern is moving. Too bad your ex-bf doesn't recognize that through his self-induced haze.

Of course one can smoke too much. Just as one can drink too much, eat too much or exercise too much. His excessive usage is undeniably having an effect on his life and relationships.

Your efforts to help have been above and beyond the call of duty but any outside help is doomed to fail unless and until he decides he wants to change.

Take care of yourself. As difficult as it may be, try to open yourself to new relationships. There's nothing more you can do for him but godlessya' for trying. You'll make someone a wonderful partner one day.

 

I think that your boyfriend needs to learn his limits and parameters of his consumption. I smoke weed daily but only after work is done. An eighth lasts me about 6 months. Maybe at this point he is stuck in an all or nothing mind set. Either way he sounds like a fucking drag to be around. Maybe telling him how much of a drag to be around would be a good thing and keep some distance for a while is a good thing.

24-7 anything gets to be a drag to be around be it weed, speed, booze, dope, food etc..

But maybe another answer is that he needs to change strains. Different strains of weed make people act differently and think differently and have different effects on their energy levels.

Stay Brown,
Rev J

 

i don't think this is possible

 

It is very possible.

 

I know a lot of weed addicts who are the same. Some people on here will deny weed causes problems but it does.

 

I think its using the 'wave the lighter at it' method

 

I don't have much to add here as I think that Chronic Tom hit the nail right on the head, but I do have to say the friends I have lost because of the fact I smoke weed made that choice themselves. They were the ones who abandoned me, I have no problem hanging out and not smoking, I don't have to be high all of the time, but they made that assumption and quit talking to me. I'd rather not be around people like that, weed only changed me for the better, and if they don't want to give me a chance to see that I'm still the same person, albeit a lot more mellow and laid back, then that's their loss. When I was younger and had friends who smoked a lot of weed, I blamed all their personality downfalls on the weed. Then later on I realized they were just shitty people who happened to smoke weed.

 

Cannabis effects my behavior.. I could be nice and lovable: which I am.
But when some crazy leo law wants to treat my weed differently than beer.. then we gona have a good old fashion western shoot out going on here..:sombrero: ps: mexican style ..