I recently graduated from college and scored an awesome job. I've been with my bf for over a year. I started thinking about marriage and a family. My bf doesn't like talking about the future. He's a "let's live-in-the-moment" type of guy. I want to live with him, but he says that it is a bad idea. I think he is listening to his friends too much. I don't know how to pursue a conversation pertaining to our futures. I feel ready to start my life. I keep having these dreams about having a baby. These dreams are so intense to the point that I thought I was pregnant when I woke up, but I'm on bc so that wouldn't happen. I talk to him about these dreams, but he quickly changes the subject. He is 29, so it's not like he is young. He too has a degree and a really good job. I just need some advice on how to approach asking him about a potential future together. I don't want to ask him to marry me at all, but just where he stands.
he sounds like the typical 'afraid of commitment' type. if you can't get him to talk about the future, who can? you've tried talking to him, and he stalls, changes the subject, and continues to believe that you can be bf/gf forever. you know what you want, and he needs to be ok with having a future with you, or he needs to hit the road. you don't want to trap him into a family, it needs to be his choice, but if he doesn't want to settle down and have kids then you are at odds with each other. that will cause the relationship to fester anyway. be firm in your conversation, make sure hes listening and reciprocating, and don't let him ply you with excuses.
Thanks Mother's Love. He IS afraid of commitment. I know he loves me, but is so afraid to settle down. I know that a baby is not a wise choice atm because I need to get into my groove with my new job, which takes a couple of years. I would love to be married. I'm going to take it extremely slow with him.
Commitment scares the HELL out of me. I'm 19 and when i'm 29 i'll probably still be scared of commitment.
You've been dating for over a year. You want to get married and have a kid. He avoids talking about it. WARNING! You and he may not have the same goals. If you want to get married and have children, you might have to break your own heart and find a different good man; one who wants the same things that you do. He's 29, it wouldn't be smart for an important part of your plan for the future to depend on him changing.
i also believe firmly that a couple should live together for at LEAST a year before they get married or otherwise commit to the long haul (with or without paper, babies). if he's not able to go that far with you, as you're moving into this next phase of your life, i'm not sure how that's gonna work out. open the lines of communication, tell him what road you're heading down, and find out if he's willing to join you.
Do we HAVE to have the father present to raise the offspring? If you can support a child (you may want to be secure in your job, like you said), and want one, just stop taking the pills. Just give him the choice to be present in the child's life or not, and don't hold him to responsibility based on fatherhood if you were the one trying to conceive without his knowledge. Before my husand and I got together, I was planning to breed after graduation. I was going to find a male friend with traits that I wanted for my child, and ask him to help me. He would have been in my bed every night until the test came up positive, longer if we enjoyed it, then be as much of a daddy as he wanted or never even tell the baby their relationship. The baby would have been MINE, though: my choice and my responsibility. The friend was there for biological purposes: I can't very well do this on my own. I had a couple of friends that I was considering. The one on the top of the list was the one I married, because we happened to fall for each other. We also agreed at the beginning of the physical relationship (We call it the negotiation stage) what we wanted in reproductive potential: not now, but eventually, and if surprises occur we celebrate the conception. I think we'll be good breeding partners, and we're old enough friends to enjoy raising a baby together. He wants to be a daddy, not just a father, so he can help.
a lot of lesbian couples do that kind of thing I hear. although shit man I'm 29 and I'm not looking ANYTIME soon for anything serious. It's actually kind of getting me into trouble. although as long as you're on the same page things should be cool. if you do arrange some sort of platonic paternity/sperm donor thing I'd advise getting everything hammered out in writing legally. Fuck my bio/dad was a sperm donor and my parents were married. He split while I was a bun.
That's what I was thinking. I could never do that. I talked to my b/f this weekend about what he wants in the future and he started to get really nervous. I asked him why he felt so nervous and he didn't response. He changed the subject right away. I told him that it is imperative to plan your future to avoid any failures. He really does love me. I've been friends with him for years, but we started dating a little over a year ago. I know that he feels the same about me, but is just too nervous about things. I don't want to keep bring up this topic, but may give indirect hints in the next few months or so. Thank you all for your advice!
