The hardest psychedelic journey I've ever had

This is a trip report..... no, an experience report that began with a psychedelic journey via psilocybin mushrooms, confirmed and coalesced with LSD and is still an ongoing process.
This is a rather difficult one for me to write, because it was both very emotionally difficult and immensely personal. But I think if I can put it to paper, so to speak, it will help with the furtherance of the very hard lessons learned and tasks laid out before me.

It started with a portion of about 2.5-3 grams of some rather potent mushrooms about 5-6 months ago. I won't bore you with details of onset, music and other such paltry details of mechanics and process. We are all for the most part familiar with all that mumbo-jumbo anyway.
I don't even remember any such particulars as the emotional component overwhelmed mind and memory.

A little personal background is in order for an understanding of my experience. My wife and I have been married for almost 18 years and have been together for close to 20. When we married She had 3 children from a previous relationship, and we have had an additional 3 together. The three youngest are still at home, with our baby having just celebrated her tenth birthday this past weekend.
She became the focus of this trip/lesson/ass-kicking.
As the youngest in such a big family you can imagine she has gotten a healthy mix of love and torment from her siblings. Nothing really out of the ordinary, just the normal day to day turmoils all siblings put each other through.
As for me, I have been out of work for over a year now, and have allowed myself to get discouraged and lackadaisical regarding finding work. After applying to well over 200 jobs and only getting two interviews, it starts to take it's toll.
As you can imagine, such a situation can put a stress on one's life and family.

But this isn't about me.

Back to inner space.
The beginning of my shroom journey began readily and normally enough. As I settled into the altered state I laid down and began to listen to some music. Within a few minutes my journey began to delve deeper and deeper into that dark, foreboding mirror of the soul. I made a conscious decision to allow myself to confront whatever may arise rather than run from it.
Almost as if on cue the experience was taken over by my inner prosecutor and I knew there was no escaping, denying or hiding from the evidence the prosecution was to lay out before the court. Like a surgeon with a deft hand and precise scalpel, I was cut to the core and my thoughts and emotions turned to my youngest daughter. I was placed within her emotional soul to feel and experience my actions as she must from her innocent little perspective.
Laid before me was every broken promise, harsh word, and brush off because I was too busy. Each tear she shed, whether externally or hidden deep inside of her was forced upon me with all the harshness of a stinging winter rain. I tried to plead my case before my accuser and account for my actions or lack thereof with every justification and excuse for my behavior I could muster.

"I'm too tired"
"I don't have the time"
"She was getting on my nerves"
"I'm under a lot of stress"
"It's not my fault nobody wants to hire me"
"Tomorrow" "Tomorrow" Tomorrow"

Every feeble and selfish defense I presented was quickly met with a firm and definite response.

"So What, regardless of it all, she needs your time and love more than anyone else." "She is always forgiving and understanding and replies "It's OK Daddy, I understand" but inside her heart is crushed"

On and on this harsh assessment of my relationship with her continued until I was completely spent and without recourse or strength.
To give you an idea of how deeply this experience went and what a literal hell it was to live and feel all my own actions and words through the eyes, ears and heart of my precious little girl I will relay what I was experiencing visually during the bulk of this brutal but necessary torture.

In my mind I saw myself laid out on a table with my accuser overhead. Dark and featureless, he/she/it loomed over me with a sense of compassionless love for me. The type of love that would kill my flesh to preserve my soul. Dark, matter of a fact, and completely oblivious as to my degree of torment. Any complaint or plea was dryly met with a simple "It's not about you".
As I lay there motionless or rather unable to move I was cut open and slowly ever so slowly disemboweled. The scene that I witnessed myself to be in was exactly like in this clip from the movie The Cell;

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4yQLPekJNc&feature=related"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R4yQLPekJNc&feature=related

My entrails were attached to a spit and slowly the crank was turned and with every turn was another broken promise or harsh word. As my intestines were slowly extracted, I could feel every inch and knot as it was extracted from my stomach.

Now strangely as this was happening I knew this image was dredged up from memory of the aforementioned movie. That is what I meant in another thread about being aware of where these type of things are sourced from.
But that knowledge did nothing to alleviate the emotionality of the experience or even the physical pain I felt.
Yes, real pain that completely coincided with the internal vision. This is the first time I have ever completely physically felt what I was experiencing in my mind's eye.
Honestly, if I were not experienced with psychedelics, this would have been the trip to put me over the edge, possibly for a very long time. It completely supplanted my "reality".

Even though I could open my eyes and see that I was securely in my bed, the internal drama continued and I was literally clutching my stomach in pain and fear.
As the effects of the mushrooms wore off, I was completely spent and slowly fell asleep, as well as I could having just been disemboweled in my own personal hell.

This experience left me crushed and actually had the effect of sending me into a very defeated and apathetic mood for a few weeks. Rather than taking steps to correct the issues brought forth, I became even more despondent and ineffectual.
Regardless of knowing what needed to be done, I found myself unable to implement it and take action.

Fast forward a couple of months.

Next stage was when I came into possession of some small quantity of LSD and had a very enlightening journey, much of it again revolving around my youngest daughter with the memory of my hell still burned into my soul.
This report is of that journey;
http://www.hipforums.com/newforums/showthread.php?t=402535&highlight=PB_Smith&f=117

This was a very beneficial experience, as the focus was not on my shortcomings and hurt that I have inflicted upon my baby, but rather focused on the absolute joy she brings to my life and the depth of love I have for her. The healing had begun.
This journey helped to put the previous torment into a more complete perspective and helped provide the impetus to get off my ass and try to make my time with my daughter as precious and priceless as she deserves.
After all the only two things we can really give those we love that will stand up to the ravages of life and the world is our time and love.

It is interesting how one substance put me through hell, a hell of my own creation and showed me with brutal and unrelenting honesty how my actions were having a negative impact on my daughter.
Then another substance allowed me to view our relationship as one of joy and endless love and guided me to the steps to make the needed adjustments and be keenly aware of myself in regards to her.

I'm far from completing all the tasks that were laid before me concerning my situation, but I see clearer now how to go about making them happen and ever so much more aware of how my precious child feels every word or deed performed by me.

I have had mushrooms a couple of times since then, but as the effects took hold, so did the terror, and I did not let myself succumb to them for fear of a repeat of my prior disembowelment.
I think it will be a long time before I revisit mushroom land again.
I'm thankful for the experience and what it has taught me and continues to teach me, but I have absolutely no desire to venture back there again anytime soon.

Sometimes the lessons and resolution of psychedelic experience are slow in coming, but if we are open and willing to endure hell, they can often lead to enormous gains in the long run. I know I will still be processing this one for a long time to come.

Sorry for another long winded posting. but it has taken me almost 6 months to come to terms with it to the point of being able to put it into words.

Every time I get angry with her or start to blow her off, those 5 little words put me back in line;
"But this isn't about you"

 

extremely eye-opening.
it's great you're sharing, you're not alone. i also feel very similar to this, but without shrooms or acid cuz i've been afraid of the outcome you had from the shrooms. i havent had a job in a whole year either and i've been mooching off of my mom for far too long and it makes me sick to the stomach that i cant find a job, and that i take her for granted so much. maybe i do need to take some acid to start a 'healing process' like you mentioned.

but don't feel too much guilt for an inconvenient market though, to an extent there's only so much you can do. as a father, you are doing the biggest most important part, loving.

i hope you do find a job and keep up the motivation, and i hope all goes well for you
:grouphug:

(and that video is really intense, and really damn weird. i like it)

 

Holy christmas crackers, that was a trip! Had a few like that myself, but the intestines being drawn out part resonates mostly in my worst nightmares, myself coming apart, no hope of salvation. I'm glad it was worthwhile and had some revelatory value. I actually just messaged a member of this site regarding a problem I have had fearing my next psychedlic trip. Deep introspection like your trip, accompanied by negative images, have plagued my last few trips. Hope you have a nice, light, goodtimes, trip soon!
Cheers
C/O

 

Read the whole thing, I know how you feel man, most of us do. Its a beautiful journey we are on, no matter what.

 

Wow. Intense. Profound. The 'shroom part reminds me of reports of when people intentionally pre-dose with an MAOI . . .

Very intense disembowelment scene (i guess i'll have to see this movie . . .). i know what you mean! But with radically different visuals and A LOT more entities crowding me . . . i call it "psychic vivesection," because though it is agonizing, like getting run through a meat grinder, i don't really have a real meat body per se when it happens . . .

Anyway, i find myself wondering . . . when this happened . . . . did you resist as much as the character in this clip?

My husband and i feel for you regarding really experiencing the tortuous pain. One reason he does NOT do DMT much is he has literally been "put on fire" in hyperspace. i have been ground up, sliced to pieces, and had the most uncomfortable, outrageous, painful, violating tactile hallucinations one can imagine. . . .

What wonderful and profound lessons you are taking from all of this!

YES! Thank you so much for this! It cannot be said enough. We all need to be reminded over and over and over. Before it is too late. THIS is what REALLY matters!

The mushrooms are harsh teachers indeed. Sounds like you got a lot out of your time with them.

Wow. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Peace & Love to Both You & Your Angel,
Spicey Cat
Brrrrrp & Head Bumps!

 

In answer to your question, I tried to alter the course of the experience but to no avail. This was one of the few times where I felt as if I was not in control of the experience and the only way out of it was to go through it.
At the time it was agonizing and as I said left me rather effected negatively for some time after wards, but in the long run it was a vital, needed and beneficial experience.
Thanks, it was rather hard to put it to paper and it still very weakly conveys the power and depth of the experience. Plus there are other elements concerning my marriage that are more personal that I choose not to share.
All in all it was hard and painful, emotionally and physically, but worth it.

 

Wow PB, I feel ya. I went through something so similar at the beginning of the month on a combo of 2c-i and 4-aco (they don't call it "shroom dust" for nothin'). I'm not a parent so I can only begin to imagine the emotional profundity behind this trip for you. I've also been out of work for the past year and have fallen victim to that discouraging funk. But you're exactly right, it wasn't about me, it was about the people I've hurt and the consequences of my actions/inactions over the past year. I was put into their places as well and there was absolutely no changing course no matter what I did, I just had to ride it 'til the end and my "observer" was satisfied that I had seen all it had to show me in unforgiving full force.

I'm glad you have integrated it so well and came away from it with something valuable. I too, am still in the process of digesting my experience and putting the lessons I've learned into action. I know I have a long way to go, but I also have taken comfort in the fact that my healing has begun. Journey on, brother

 

and that, boys and girls, is the difference between shrooms and LSD.

i had a somewhat rough mushroom trip a month or so ago. first time eating shrooms in several years, and i just might be good on them for a few more after that trip.

 

Yeah, I hate to say it but I think my latest hell trip has put me off of 4-aco and shrooms for a good while. I just don't NEED that much punishment and blatant flaying of character flaws and faults, mistakes and regrets. It's like, I'm a terrible person, I get it! It's time to start healing and redeeming... I know it could happen on pretty much any substance, but those are the ones notorious for being merciless.

 

^ that is exactly why i haven't been messing with 4aces in some time.

Wow pb, nice to know the context of your LSD experience for that report. That is indeed a simply wonderful demonstration of the basic difference between how mushrooms and lsd operate. Good that you learned a useful mantra

 

i cannot quit thinking about this TR. i wish i could write down the swirling impressions in my head. One of them is something like this:

Actually, it IS about you.

And here's why:

There seemed to be a theme of you seeing yourself from another's (your daughter's) perspective. From this heightend/enhanced perspective the realizations go beyond the fact that there are other egos in this world beyond our individual selves. You go into what i call "The Ripple Effect," and the responsibility that i feel follows if/when one truly understands it. We are social beings embedded within culture. Our choices and actions (even the choice to sit and do nothing) have profound effects that extend way beyond our selves/our body spaces. In particular to our loved ones.

Your report/experience is so profound. My thoughts feel chaotic around all of this - perhaps it's just too big for me to grasp, i do not know.

i am so very sorry it was so tortuously difficult and had a lasting effect upon your psyche. i truly am. Yet, just speaking for myself, i know this is a way to learn a lesson really well.

When i was a child i would wake up in the middle of the night screaming. My legs felt like they were being pulled apart, with the focus of the pain in the hip and knee joints. As an adult, i have huge swatches (in fine lines that make me look like i was SEVERELY caned) of scar tissue on my hips and legs. i reached my adult height at 11 years of age. i was taller than all my peers and teachers in 4th, 5th, and 6th grades and was called "Mommy Long Legs!" The family doctor diagnosed my condition, quite literally, as "growing pains." Growth not only hurts, a lot, but it can be agonizing. Human nature abhors change, even though change is the pure and true nature of the Universe.

i do not know what is going on with you. But, it sounds, very suspicisouly, a bit like . . . . growth.

 

Yes it is growth, what else can we possibly do but "grow".
Human nature abhors change.
Nature itself always strives for equilibrium.
Change is the observation of that movement towards greater and greater states of equilibrium.

As I get older, the less I am certain of, except one thing is becoming increasingly apparent to me.
We have much, much more control over our realities than we imagine, both internal and external.

I just posted this in another thread, but it relates directly to the above statement;

Sometimes we need a swift kick in the ass to drive that truth home to us.
That is what this experience has been for me, a very well planted boot in the posterior.

 

Again, profound journey and profound aftereffects.

What else can we possibly do but grow? What else indeed? Remain stagnant. Dive deeper into the bottle, the pipe, the needle, the food, the TV, the mindless Internet, the gambling, the mind control . . . .

Quite a bit.

Of course, it's all a move towards stagnation and death (of health, self, relationship, life), . . . ahh but there is always that Thanatos draw isn't there . . .?

Evolve or die is what we see in nature. There are very few Celocants (or similar) in the world . . .

Unfortunately, i believe, the modern world makes the stagnation/death option all too easy. It is all too easy to fall into the trap and wind up at the end of a life empty of meaningful relationship, full of questions like, "Why?" and "What happened?" and the dreadful, "Why didn't I . . .?"

But, ironically, the fact that modernity makes it all too easy and tempting makes what you took from these experiences all the more deep. It is difficult (i almost never do it.) to walk/take the higher path. And yet here you are. Feeling the healing and growth. Knowing it's not all about you. Stressing and trying to live the fact that the most meaningful gift/thing we can give to people in our lives (especially those we love) is our time and our love . . .

 

I feel that stagnation is also a form of growth, though it may not be apparent immediately or on the surface. No matter how obstinate and reluctant, personal growth continues whether we want it to or not. Some just are not willing to acknowledge it to themselves or others, but I promise you, internally growth is still taking place. IMHO

Again thanks for your kind words, but I can still be quite an asshole at times and I'm just a dick, it even says so in my sig.

 

LOL! Perhaps i forgot to mention? i finished my post-doctoral work in assholism years ago and have moved on to work that is worthy of independent publication and peer review. . .

 

I think you have been blessed and been given a window for yourself and what will be. The mirror was difficult but necessary and the reflection is not of where you were but is of where you are going to be. As difficult as the first leg of the journey was and the opening of the second, when I read them I sense a settling in you.

As a parent our greatest joys, fears, hopes and love are for our children. What you were fortunate enough to see makes you a parent and a better person. You shall wear that well.

We have talked in private about my thoughts on exploring with the little lady again as now I am also at a different point in life. Recreational is not a goal. I stopped all use after deciding that angel dust and I liked each other too much over 3 decades ago. Your honesty is exactly why it may just be time to take the little lady on a walk.

I thank you for sharing such a huge part of you and I am honoured to have read it.

 

Heather, Thank you for your input. As someone very close to my age and a parent of children the same ages as mine, your comments carry a special significance to me. I know you can relate on a totally visceral, deeply emotional level to my feelings for my children. not to say any others that have commented can't, but love for a child is simply one of those things you don't know or comprehend unless you have experienced it.

If Lucy makes her way to you, I think you will also gain some wonderful and profound insights into your life, past, present and future. That is one thing you and I can share and that I wish for a lot of the younger members to also experience as they progress through life to the stages that you and I now find ourselves in.

 

Glad I had a look at the forum this evening. I've never had an experience like the physical part of the trip. Rough, terrible trip. A real beating.

I remember commenting awhile back that the honesty of this forum is important to me. From this kind of thing, with the job problem and recognition of failings to people saying no thanks, xx mg is plenty for me to open calls for help to stepping over the line and taking it higher and higher, there is that honesty and openness that keeps calling me back.

Good to get the picture while your daughter and you are both so young. Loving you, PB

 

Thank you for sharing! That sounds like one hell of a experience. I'm glad the second part of your journey went well.

I have no idea what I would have done if I experienced something like this. Though, Mushrooms do tend to kick my ass.

 

This thread is a very powerful example of how significant the psychedelic experience can be. The mushrooms broke you down so you could build yourself back up, which is eggzakly what every person needs to experience, from time to time. I'm happy you were able to spin such a hellishly introsective journey into such a beneficial experience.