The Journey to coming out as gay

I think sharing our Journeys with other men who are still in the closet, who are worried about coming out, or who are still not fully in touch with themselves or who they are, may be a good post to share...
I have participated in HIP forums for a number of years, and became a member of the moderator's team as well.
I've largely written and read entries that fall under the Bisexual catchment. While I recognize that being bisexual - attracted both physically and emotionally to both females and males is a real thing, and there are plenty of men and women who say this is true for them, I fall into a category of being much more gay than straight, and while I believed I fit into the bisexual classification - I have come to recognize through my journey to accepting myself, that the truth is this. I am more emotionally attracted to women than sexually attracted to them. I've used the Kinsey Scale, which includes a simple diagram to depict where we are on the scale.
I also want to say that I've asked for a specific category as the bi, trans and lesbian categories are - that simply are topics for gay men. There are a few choices here but not one that is specific for gay men.
Maybe sharing our stories - our coming out stories - our coming to terms with oursevles stories - might be helpful to share here. Maybe these stories of our personal journeys - a pealing back of the layers, like an onion, that we used to protect ourselves from being exposed as gay, and to shield ourselves from the truth of who we are.
I invite any gay men here to take this thread and use it - as a way to encourage others who are struggling, and as a way to provide the writer with a healing balm. Words speak volumes whether spoken or written. We are living through a time where it is once again becoming threatening to say "I am gay". Yet, I have learned through my own journey that walking through this, and being honest with ourselves and those we love, and those we know, does become a healing process to the fears and the traumas we have lived with for years.
I hope any gay men reading these forums will share their journey here. I know I will love to read them. I know they will help others who are exploring and who have doubts and fears about coming out and being real with themselves.

 

I'm 69 years old. I realized the other day that I have been gay all my life. Wow. There's a shock. Why didn't I know that? Did my parents know and not tell me? My friends in school seemed to know. Yet, I fought it. I fought it hard.
My mom told me I was shy... it didn't help that I was an only child and I grew up in a rural farming community. I'll bet if I'd had brothers, I would have figured it out a lot sooner. (I'll come back to that later)
In my early childhood, I remember watching a movie with my parents - A Summer Place - I still love the theme song that goes with that movie... The stars were Sandra Dee and Troy Donahue. I didn't understand it, but I was drawn to Troy Donahue, not Sandra Dee. She was cute and pretty, and all... but Troy? Oh. My goodness. There was something happening to me when it involved me and Troy. I imagined what it was like being held and kissed by him, not what it was like to kiss and hold her. I remember that thought!
In first grade, I was invited to an all-boys birthday party. When I entered my friend's kitchen with my little gift, the first thing I noticed was her mom talking on her telephone. It wasn't because I was spellbound by her beauty, but it was because she was talking on a red telephone. A red phone? My parent's phone was black. I thought her phone was so beautiful. I wanted one, but I didn't know they existed. I noticed design and color, aesthetics...Soon, my friend's mother got off her kitchen wall phone (did I mention it was red?) and shooed all the boys out the door. Everyone took off running towards the open field next door. I had no idea why... I just tried to do my best to keep up and see what all the fun was about.
When I grew older, in Jr and High School, I began to realize that I really did not excel at sports, and gym class became the worst of all my classes... but afterwards, in the locker room, back in the days when boys got undressed immodestly, and showered together in an open shower room, I was suddenly confronted with some of the most amazing bodies I had ever seen, and I also immediately realized that I should not be staring. And almost as quickly as I realized I should not be staring, some wise-ass boy decided to tell everyone else within earshot, that I was staring. I was embarrassed, and confused... yet at night, in my bed, those boys' bodies filled my mind and aided me in discovering arousal like I'd never known. I justified my thoughts about those boys' toned bodies and their penises, in particular. I decided it was because I'd never seen one, other than my own, and since I didn't have any brothers, and I'd never done a circle jerk with the neighborhood boys - there weren't any where I lived - it must be only because I'd never seen one.
It wasn't long, though, that I was getting picked on - called a fairy and a faggot. And I'd get pushed around a little, and threatened, and bullied. And instead of fighting back, I cowered and denied it all.
I had girl friends, but only one girlfriend in 11th grade. She was the one who made all the moves - and I was the one who resisted - and I told myself it was because her father was in the room next to where we were. I didn't drive yet, so everywhere we went we were Chauferred. She would try to make out with my in the backseat while one of my parents was driving, and I would resist her... well, because we weren't supposed to do that with a parent right there. It was wrong. She broke up with me.
Determined to prove to everyone I was straight; I asked a church girl with a well-developed body to be my date at the Prom. I liked her and we were friends, and we had a great time - but my ulterior motive was to prove I had what it takes to snag a pretty girl for a date.
In college, I was a little more confident and I had plenty of dates, plenty of make out times with girls in cars - but I was attending a conservative Christian college, and you know, that sort of thing was sinful. Stupid me. I thought was being a gentleman. Yet, it was at that same college, on the way home from a night out with friends, while my "girlfriend" was in the backseat making out with some guy, my friend, Howard, sitting next to me in the front, reached over and began playing with the inside of my leg - and when I didn't stop him, and as my heart raced, he kept it up. He was my first lover that night, and I had no hesitation to do what men do (and I guess women and men also do) when they are naked, a little intoxicated, and full of desire for one another.
Even though the next day, I was overcome with guilt and remorse, that night and that man changed my life - opening me to the reality of what I'd known since I first looked at Troy Donahue in that movie.
I was a Christian. I knew it was wrong. I didn't know what I was going to do. I went to Howard to apologize and to give him an explanation - he countered with a "give me a break" attitude and suggested we go for a drive to talk. Lo, and behold, we had sex again. And it was just as good as it was the night before.
Still, though - I was in turmoil and anguish.
After college, I moved to a mid-sized city, began working, meeting new people, etc. I dated some women. But, I could not forget what happened with Howard. I discovered the gay cruising scene and gay bars, and began to test it. I was hooking up with guys easily. Nothing was happening with any of the women I was dating. One night a guy I worked with found out I'd never had sex with a woman, and he set me up. He brought her to my apartment for the expressed reason that we would have sex with her. And I did. It was great. But, can I confess? I also secretly had hoped he would be having sex with me and her, too. He didn't.
After a period of exploring - I met two different men that I actually dated. The first one was engaged to be married, and he was a law student. He ghosted me after realizing his fiance with pearls was more benefial to his career than I was. The 2nd serious boyfriend I had turned out to be a jerk. He was physically abusive.
After I got him out of my life, I went back to my religion - and I prayed God would answer delivery from this homosexual sin I'd allowed into my life.
I met a lovely woman. She was a Baptist. A virgin. And she remained a virgin until our wedding night.
I loved her. We raised a family together. But, it wasn't until recently that I realized my love for her was emotional, not completely physical, and that while our marriage was not a lie - it was not built on truth, either. After our sexual relations cooled - stopped completely - I began drifting back to what I knew was easier. I justified it by telling myself I was not having sex with women. But, guess what? When she found out - and they do find out, guys... she did not agree with my theory.
My kids were grown. My life was sad. I considered ending it all. Somehow, though - I came to a realization that was not the answer - and after a very painful, slow process, counseling that failed, a lot of sadness between her and I - I finally decided to leave.
Since I've been living on my own, I've had lots of time to think. I've seen some of these things I've shared with you, and much more, in a clearer light. I fought who I was for years. When I finally let it go, and said OK. This is who I am. All the peace I sought in church. All the restlessness I fought. It was over. I realized I was content with things and at peace for the first time in all my life.
I want to say, though - that I don't regret my marriage. I loved my wife - but she deserved more than me, and I certainly deserved more as well.
I have a boyfriend now. We've been together for over a year. I have my own place and some great friends who love me. I've reconnected with old friends from high school. They told me they always knew I was gay and they are happy for me now.
It is painful - don't get me wrong. Very painful. Heartbreaking, for sure. But, I cannot deny the peace I feel within my heart because I have allowed myself to be who I am, with no reservations. No, I don't go around telling every person I meet that I am gay - it's not their business. But, I am living my life as my true, real self.

 

Maybe there aren't any gay men here!

 

Thank you @RisingBi for your kind words. Thank you @GrayGuy57 I appreciate your good wishes as well.

 

I want to add to my "coming out" journal, and I guess this is the best place to do it. I experienced something this weekend while attending a wedding in northern NY state that was very significant to me. This was a typical wedding reception in many ways. A buffet dinner with a full bar and a DJ playing music. It was a lovely spot in a rustic setting overlooking a small lake in the woods. Beautiful October day there.
As a sub note- this is a conservative area of NY state. If you are familiar with politics in America, this is Elise Stefanik's political home - she is a Republican who is also considering a run for governor of New York. She rose in power in Congress during Trump's first term and became a loyal supporter. This area of NY is rather poor, and quite conservative.
I have no idea what the political views of the wedding guests may have been. I did not know anyone there because I was a guest, as a "Plus 1" date of my partner. I had only met two of the other guests at the wedding prior to attending.
So, we, as gay men, as partners - decided to coordinate our clothing to match somewhat. We sat together at the table, and my partner was very attentive to me, displaying what I would consider chivalry and gentlemanly manners towards me, as others could easily observe, if they were paying attention. It kind of cracked me up as he would pull a chair out for me, and stood behind me as I was seated at the table - he did this each time we came back to the table. It was his way of showing others, and me, that he respects me as his partner - and it had to be clear to others as it was to me, that he was displaying a special connection to me that was different from two friends attending a wedding.
So, here is the main thing -
After dinner, the DJ attempted to get the party going with the music, but people were not dancing. SO, at one point, he called the bride and groom to come to the dance floor and encouraged others to join, saying something along the lines of - everyone who is in love, who is here with their partners, come and dance with the bride and groom, and show them that love continues long after the wedding day. He played a love song "Tennessee Whiskey" by Chris Stapleton, and people began to come to the dance floor with the newlyweds. My partner took my hand and ushered me to the dancefloor as well. There we were in a sea of heterosexual couples, dancing slowly to this beautiful love song - gazing into each other's eyes - and moving to the music. While I was thoroughly enjoying this because I love to dance - and ironically, my wife refused to dance with me years earlier... I was also overcome with our boldness, and this was a magical but also an amazing moment in my life - to be so bold to dance with my lover - openly, with no reservations in how we were holding one another so close in such a public display - that we were proclaiming we had as much right to dance together as anyone else in the room. While I tried very hard to maintain my focus on him I couldn't help wondering what others were thinking or how the room was reacting. I took my eyes off him a few times to look around the room. I spotted a table of women all looking at us, with their side glances at one another and their faces showing a level of surprise - One woman's mouth was literally hanging open in surprise. I ignored them and kept dancing. At the end of the song, he kissed me gently and we walked off the dancefloor to the bar.
Nothing else happened... the party went on.
Later, as we were walking to our car, it just so happened that some of the ladies from that table were also walking to their car, which was parked next to ours. We had a lovely conversation about how far they had traveled to come to this wedding. Alaska! and they went on to tell us all the wonderful things they had seen on their drive across Canada and the United States so far. I couldn't help smiling to myself and thinking that their witness of us dancing may become part of their stories when they get home to tell others about their trip.
For me, to dance with my partner, was a significant step in my journey in coming out.
You see? You never stop coming out as a gay man...