I haven't been in a relationship in a long time. I also haven't had sex or been intimate with a woman in any way since 2004. This was a personal choice and I've constantly struggled with it. I'm mostly just afraid of the consequences of getting involved with someone--accidental pregnancy, attachment, change of life focus, etc. But I do miss the intimacy. I'm actually moving at the end of the Summer, but that's 5 months away. What I'd really like right now is someone I can be friends with, have deep conversations with, be intimate with, but without the expectations of a long term relationship. I doubt I'll find that and after I move I'll more just be looking for a real relationship. I don't know what it is, but the desire just really hit me this year. And now going another 5 months seems like torture. Can anyone relate?
I mean don't worry so much about the consequences, attachment, whether or not it would be long term so you could meet someone now, and like them so much that you would change your plans if you had to or you could break up before you left and feel bad about it either way, maybe you would be better off not worrying about the future so much
Nah, I'm not worried about the future in that respect. The problem is that once a woman finds out you're moving in 5 months, she wants nothing to do with you. It's almost like telling her you're a leper. I've had it happen a couple times already--almost had some very promising dates, but they find out I'm moving and they just drop off the grid.
Or maybe you should worry about the future. You obviously made this pact with yourself for some good reason and stuck with it for 6 years. I'm not saying you can't change that but to do so because of a present desire is taking such a decision lightly. As the buddhists might say, desires come and go. Satisfying them isn't going to bring anything more than momentary happiness.
This is a good insight. I still question whether or not it's a good idea. But 7 years...something in the back of my mind keeps saying, "This can't be healthy."
if staying single has allowed you to focus on your life and get you to the place where you want to be, then it can't be unhealthy.
This thought definitely has some merit. But do you really think it's good to deprive yourself of romantic affection for that long? Would you do it?
Well, when I think back to some of my romantic mistakes in the past I feel like it would have been a lot healthier to deprive myself than do something that I eventually came to regret. Just because you are doing something that may be considered abnormal does not mean it is unhealthy. I really wouldn't worry too much about it. Think about it this way: when you do eventually meet someone and begin a new relationship, you won't be bringing a lot of emotional baggage from past relationships to the new relationship, which will probably seem refreshingly healthy to the other person.
7 years to me isn't necessarily that long, but then that's just me. You seem to know what you're dealing with there, and I agree, that's desire, lust, horniness, whatever you want to call it. If you can find someone who can provide you with everything you mentioned(good friendship, physical intimacy, non-committal, etc), then great. But I would personally wait a while if I were you. See if the feeling goes away after a little while. In my own experience, those "cravings" for physical intimacy usually are momentary. I actually was in a similar situation as yours a couple of years ago, where I developed a huge crush on someone a months or two before I had to move to another country for work reasons. She's one of those people who can give you the best hugs and make you feel so happy and content when she does. In my case she had a boyfriend at the time, but I think she had an idea of how I felt about her. I didn't tell her about my feelings, but that was the choice I made. She and I are still great friends even though we live far apart right now. I think I love her more now than I did back then, but now I only love her as a friend. Over time, any craving I had for physical intimacy with her ebbed, and only our friendship remained. I still miss her hugs though, lol. Then someone else entered my life... Who knows, a month or two from now, you just might not feel that "desire" in you any more. You might also meet someone special after you move, and find yourself feeling a different kind of desire(actually I prefer the term "love" in this case, lol). You can't really force yourself to meet someone especially if you also want to develop a deep emotional connection with them. But you DO have something you can always count on: your own hands.
hey monks do it, and theyre walkng around in communion with god thats pretty cool. I think along the terms of eat drink and be marry for tommorrow we all may die
Hey i can relate to you completely. i have been celibate for years and am thinking about the desire too. i think you should be commended for your self control and your spiritual decision. We need to discipline our selves, we need to control our desires and realise that desires can never be satisfied. Im not Buddist i have studied all religions and see a similar path to peace and fulfillment. A part of it, a huge part of it, is making an intellectual decision to control yourself. Well done, you are an inspiration to me. peace and love to you
