A while back I was a really stupid college kid and did ecstasy quite a bit. One time I was with this girl who ended up being just a big tease, so I went home smoked some weed, couldn't go to sleep cause I was super thizzed out. I went to take a shite, and afterwards decided to relieve myself from blueballia. So whilst doing the deed to extract my seed, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirra' and kept right on going. I was like in a trance over my own junk or whatever (F'd up I know but the truth) when I finished it was like a serious orgasm because I was so high (Ive heard you should not have sex on E because sex will never be the same, and if thats true Im sure MB'n on E is no good either, but anyway...) I dont know what I did after that, but I imagine I was feeling pretty guilty/shameful about the whole thing. After a while I started wondering if this whole thing made me "gay." Mind you, Ive always been an advocate for gay rights (okay, not always, I teased in junior high like the rest of the dumbasses but have since repented) and such, I went to a music school so I was good friends with lots of gay people (I know, it sounds like saying "see, I have black friends, im not racist" ...moving on) Despite all this, I was disgusted with the thought that I might be a bit gay. But still unsure if I was. I started testing with porno...gay porn turned me off, lesbian porn was cool, straight porn probably the best. But I still had this little voice nagging me saying "you're a fag" blah blah blah...So recently forced myself to have a BJ masterbatory fantasy, but I basically imagined my own you know what being the object. It worked, if you know what I mean. But I felt like I was forcing it to happen, and then felt a bit guilty about it, because when thinking clearly I know myself not to be gay. But yet this question still persists. I have tried unsuccessfully to actually be aroused by other men, and keep fantasizing about women...but the nagging voice doesn't stop. I honestly wouldn't mind being gay but it just doesn't work, and I think Im denying who I really am when I force myself to try to make it happen. I know what you're thinking, and Its crazy to me too. Why would a straight person deny who they are and try to be gay? I have no idea. I think it all goes back to that stupid drug experience, and I may well be insane. Either way, This whole thing has given me a better social conscience I believe...like, I MIGHT understand a bit more what some gay people have to go through. Eh maybe not, but still I am looking out for my gay bros and sis'. Basically I just want to move on with my life and stop obsessively worrying about this, and checking with porn etc...I want other things (career, music, family, friends etc...) to be at the center of my life and not some f'd up sexual neurosis. I thought maybe some of you wiould have some ideas about how I should deal with this?? Some insight perhaps? Much appreciated. Thanks for reading.
Well, maybe you just think you are straight, and really just gay and in denial... just a thought though, im baked.
I think you're probably straight but who cares? Just do what you WANT to do. Don't think about all this extra stuff. If you want to be with girls, be with girls. If you actually are gay you'll find that you don't want to be with girls. Nothing makes you gay except being actually gay and not wanting to have sex with chicks.
You like women man, you're bi at the most extreme. haha I actually think getting fucked up on e and weed would make jacking to yourself an interesting but awesome experience; i mean, come on, you wouldn't do that sober, you were just having fun with the drugs. A lot of the time, sexual gratification comes from deviating from what you normally do, and a shitload of deviance like that ought to turn you on quite a bit, but it doesn't mean that's what you really prefer. haha maybe if I ever try do up E ill try the mirror once too, for the hell of it.
EVERYONE has thought about it at some point or another, whether gay or straight or whatever. Some are repulsed by the thought and stop at that, others continue thinking about it and create richer fantasies but don't act on it, and others go ahead and pursue an actual experience. None of these scenarios makes a person less straight. These are all just different ways of figuring out what you like/don't like and is usually just a phase.
well do gay people sometimes fantasize in some way about the opposite sex? If so, does it disturb them? Does it technically make them bisexual? Or does the stray fantasy not define your orientation? Thanks for the responses everybody
I'm bi. I am attracted to women more most of the time. I don't know I must be weird because I don't care one bit. I don't feel strange when doing anything with a guy. Being in the closet though it would bother me to be found out by family and friends. I think that whole thing that happened when you were on drugs was a sort of temporary narcicism. (meaning to love one's self and be turned on etc) Which technically isn't gay or bi. Just relax there's nothing wrong with you.
