I have a big problem. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 7 years and we plan to get married next october. To make a long story short, I want to start with a family one day with him and he doesnt want to have anything to do with that. We stayed up all night talking about it, it was awful because we dont know how to resolve this. I said I could try to just get over it...but we both know that might not be so easy. We talked about possibly breaking up only because we dont want to get married and be miserable over this. I dont want to have a child with anyone else, I want him to be the father and only him so if we break up I would just be alone and sad which wouldnt solve anything. Has anyone been through something similar? Is it easy to just let go of the dream of starting a family with the man you love?? I know that sounds silly but I want that so bad and now I dont even know if we have a future together. so confused and hurt....
my husband and I dated six years before we got married. We even broke up a couple times over the marriage and kids issues, but always managed to work things out. Just keep talking about your feelings, and allowing him the chance to talk about his. I'm sure there's a compromise where neither of you feels you have given up on your hopes and dreams. But I'd say it might be best to indefinitely postpone the wedding until you are both on the same page.
I agree that it would probably be best to postpone the wedding until you come to some sort of conclusion -- either both on the same page or both moving on. How did you spend 7 years with this man and not know that he doesn't want children? Were you one of those people who never wanted children until just recently, or were you hoping all along that some day he would change? Have you two thought about going to a couple's counsellor? It's probably fuck-all expensive if you don't have insurance, but I'd suggest looking around... Or, if you're religious at all (even just claim belief in something, whether or not you ever go to services/rituals), you can probably get some kind of pre-marital counselling from your rabbi/priest/imam/shaman/etc. to address this issue. Sometimes having a disinterested third party present helps people explain their positions more clearly, sometimes that third party can ask just the right question to get to the heart of the matter, and sometimes couples just aren't good at really communicating all of their reasons when dealing with emotional issues like this (I would be a good example of someone who's not good at this), so having a third party coach you in communicating can help in more than just the area you're there to discuss...
This is probably the most unworkable issue. If you have a kid, then the partner who didn't want the child will become resentful of the other partner AND the child, and that is not only bad for the relationship, but terrible for the child. If you DON'T have a kid, then the partner who did want a child will always feel resentful towards the partner who "prevented" the child from being born. In the case where a womyn wants the child and the man doesn't, it may be worse, as you only have a limited amount of time in your life when you CAN have babies. Men can ALWAYS change their minds, even in their 90s, but you have to have one by 40 or so, in most cases. I know a few womyn who "waited" their entire fertile lives, for him to "change his mind" only to have the relationship finally break up, after she was no longer able to have children. In a few of these cases, the man actually got a younger girl, and had a baby with her later. Talk about a slap in the face for the first (now post menopausal) wife. I can't see a way to solve this, without one of the pair becoming resentful.
Do you know why he doesn't want to have children? Some don't want children for reasons like insecurity, fear, and things like that. Thoughts like that can be worked out, other then if he doesn't like children.
It's very rare that men change their minds about that sort of thing. Like some people have said, postpone the wedding until this issue is worked out, otherwise, it could spell trouble in the long run. DO NOT THINK THAT HE WILL CHANGE. Some men change, but you can't depend on that. If you are dead-set on wanting children and he's not into it...maybe it's time to rethink your relationship...simply to save yourself the heartache of never having something you've always wanted...if it's that important to you... BTW, how old are the two of you? EDIT: I see you are 24...how old is he? You're still a bit young...and a lot of times, men in their twenties aren't ready to have children because of the responsibility...as men age sometimes their ideas change...SOMETIMES. I know a man in his early thirties that just a year ago decided he'd like to have children someday. Before that...he had no desire. You still have plenty of time to figure out what is important to you and what you want....don't rush into things...
yeah, all i can really say is make sure you have this sorted out BEFORE you get married. if youstill want a child, and he still doesn't, SOMEONE is guaranteed to be miserable.
hey thanks everyone who responded...things are a little bit better now as we have continued to talk about the situation. yes, I am 24 and my boyfriend is 23. he said he just isnt ready to have a child right now(which I'm not either) and that MAYBE sometime in the future if we are def financially stable he would consider starting a family. basically we are on the same page, except that I KNOW I want to have kids and he is just going with the flow. I dunno I can't explain everything but after talking today we are cool now and want to work through this because we have a great relationship and will do anything to make it last forever and ever....blah blah blah... it helped to here from others though. I mean we havent completely solved this, but we're on our way.....
Most 23 year old guys I've met have not been ready for kids! My fiance is 30 and he is not ready... He wants to have kids when he's ready and is working toward getting to that point, but right now he's a grad student earning less than his cost of living. I'm all for people realizing that they should wait! That's great that you two have been able to communicate more clearly and realize that you're closer to an agreement than you thought! The one complication I can see is if he keeps putting it off and just never feels ready... But all you can do to avoid that is to keep communicating clearly and openly!
What I said, before you said this.... Twenty three is an adult. He isn't going to change that much. Really. My dh and I knew we both wanted kids at about 13 or 14. We started dating when we were 16 and 18, and I got pregnant when I was 23 and he was not quite 25. Now, there ARE some men who do mature after this age, but all in all, people are usually pretty set in what they want by this age. NOT EVERYBODY. There are always those people who have lifechanging events, and things change dramatically, but I wouldn't wait, not too long. You only have 20 years or so, and although it seems like a long time it isn't. (I've recently started peri-menopause, and it seems like just last month I had menarche.)
i'd also be incredibly wary of a person who is like "well maybe, when we are financially stable.. then MAYBE then." that's too vague for me. if you want to say, sure when we both have full time jobs and a home, then ok that's more concrete. but financially stable? that would drive me crazy. i don't think my parents ever considered themselves financially stable and if they had waited til they thought they were, i'm quite sure they would have never had kids maybe check and see what he means by that, make sure you're on the same page about all of these kinds of details!
This is something only the OP can really interpret accurately, since she is the only one who heard exactly what her bf said and in what tone, etc. My reading of her post is very different than yours. I've known some people who said they never wanted kids and really meant that. On the other hand, I've known plenty of people who made a big to-do about never wanting kids, but then got excited about giving up the birth control when they were married, had graduated (college or grad school), and had a stable income. Being that he's 23 and focusing on issues of financial stability, I'm inclined to give him more of a benefit of the doubt. I don't see it as a matter of whether he's an adult now or not or whether he will fundamentally change in a few years. My reading of her post is that it really comes down to defensive posturing to cover up his insecurity about being able to adequately provide for a child, because I've known plenty of people who have done just that. But, this is why crimsonbreeze needs to keep communicating with her man about this -- only she can figure out the more accurate interpretation. Don't pressure him to agree to some deadline for starting to try for a child, but talk through the issues and try to get a sense of what exactly he means by "MAYBE" and "def financially stable". Does this mean having a secure job with a decent income, or does he want to own a house outright and be making 6 figures a year before he will consider starting a family? What does he need to feel secure in his ability to provide a good home for a child? If his standards are unreasonably high, think long and hard about whether he is just looking for an excuse. But, if he's willing to talk, be reasonable, and if his standards and reasons sound, well, reasonable, I'd assume he's just scared.
Communication, expecially since you're about to marry the guy, is definitely vital. You might be able to come to some solid aggrement, just make sure you are both clear about it. Heres how my love and I "solved" this problem - When we met I was 18 and he was 28. He was clear, no way, no how, no kids! I was indifferent, I hadn't planned out my life either way, and I honestly didn't expect to be with him for long. rolleyes As time went on and we fell in love and we built a life together, things have changed. Having a child still isn't vital in my life. But it is something I'd like to do someday if I can. BUT I am determined to do it right, to be able to totally dedicate my life to being a mother if and when that time comes. That means having to be financially stable to the point where I don't need to work all the time, where I don't need to fill orders at the drop of a hat. Ian's ideas of this have changed somewhat also. He loves me and he loves our life together, and that is more important to him than any ideas he's had about children. His own childhood was more than a little messed up, and I think being accepted into my loving family and seeing how dedicated and supportive my parents are has helped him. I'll shut up about all this now and get to our basic agreement - when I am 28-30, if we are getting up to that "financially stable" plateau and things are going well, we will simply stop using birth control and leave it to nature. I know, like Maggie said, that men CAN keep having kids their whole lives since they still have sperm, but this way he'll still have some energy to be a dad. We are both happy in this arrangement, but it all started with communication!
I gotta disagree, Maggie. Might have been that way for you and your DH, but not for everyone. At 23, I *knew* I never wanted to have any kids. I was still very much a kid myself at that age, even though I had gone through a really bad marriage and divorce and thought I was all grown up. It was my husband (back then not even my boyfriend yet) who convinced me that not everyone has a miserable childhood, and talked me into the possibility of someday maybe thinking about starting a family. When I was thirty, and the doctor said I have endometriosis and might not ever have any children, I was thunderstruck, heartbroken, and knew that I was finally ready to start a family, if it were even possible. Like I said before, and like everyone else has said, it takes a lot of talking, not just talking, but actually communicating with your partner to come to an agreeable solution to your situation.
