Troubled Teen

What's become of the kids these days......I mean really. I have seen behaviour from teenage kids that leaves me baffled. We've tried to teach and discipline our kids, and made them aware of the consequences of their actions. I have a just turned16yo that has tried some of the same shit as Goldberry's brother that she wrote about in her recent thread. The right thing to do in that case was for his mother to kick him out. It's a little tougher in the case of a minor.

The thing I don't understand is where does a teenager figure that they can be disrespectful to their parents and shouldn't have to do anything to help out. This was not taught in my house and I'm not sure where it came from. Mind you I do have a very respectful, helpful and hardworking 18yo in the same household.

We require 2 hours of work from each teenager each week. We live very rurally, in the sticks ifyou will, so there is plenty to do. All of them require some prodding to get motivated, but the 15yo just became plain resentful, making comments to his mother (he never mouths off to me, just sulks and hides in his room) to the effect that if we weren't dumb asses and had real heat and not a wood stove he wouldn't have to split wood etc. He's gone as far as telling my wife to Fuck Off.

This winter he needed some cash, $200, to travel with the basketball team. I had a long talk with him and thought we were making some headway. If he would show his mother some respect and do his daily chores I agreed to contribute $100 and he agreed to work off the other $100 the weekend he returned. I was out of town for the weekend, but when I returned I found he had refused to do anything.

Then it gets worse. Since he won't do any work and I won't give him any money he finds his own solution....he steals our ATM card and empties the account. He's caught, of course, and in tears says he's sorry, he'll work it off etc. etc.

Next act a few weeks later.....he steals cash from a student teacher's purse in class and gets caught. He's suspended for a week and gives the cash back.

Two weeks after returning to school he's caught breaking into lockers with weed on him and is kicked out for the rest of the year and the next, and is now on probation with the law. Those were the three times he's been caught and I know these aren't the only times he's stolen. He has been suspected in a number of neighborhood break ins as well.

So at this point we have a sullen and unhappy, thieving, dishonest 16 yo who is just a drain on what is pretty much a happy and functional family.

What happened? I though at first that he must have fallen in with a bad crowd, but realize the HE is the bad crowd. Are most teenagers today allowed to vegetate in fromt of the TV playing video games, with no responsibilities in the home, who are given all the money they want. This seems to be what his friends do. Now he has lost the privledge of playing sports, which was his one positive and healthy outlet of energy.

Any ideas on what to do with a troubled teen who is not allowed to go to school and will not lift a finger at home. He seems to be on the way to a seriously troubled life unless we can get him back on track.

 

RE: The thing I don't understand is where does a teenager figure that they can be disrespectful to their parents and shouldn't have to do anything to help out. This was not taught in my house and I'm not sure where it came from.

MTV.

By the way, lock up yr credit cards and the next time he pulls some larceny, call the cops, turn him in, have them lock him up.

 

They did stuff like that before, too, it just my generation is the one getting the bad press for it.

I don't know what to tell you to do. He sounds like someone who doesn't respond to discipline.

 

Believe me everything is locked up at this point. Rather troubles me that it came to that in my own home. And....if anything else can be proven, or if he does something again, he's in the hands of the system. Not many kids who get locked up at 16, who are handled by the system, make a good show in life. Many end up career criminals.

Sure, kids have been kids for generations, but I really think todays kids have less respect and are more likely want something for nothing than twenty or forty years ago. I was a hell raising, beer drinking, pot smoking highschooler, but I wouldn't have dared talked back to my parents or openly defy them. Dad said to go split wood and I went and split wood.

How does Bob Dylan's line go....."To live outside the law you have to be incredably honest" or something like that. Through our trials and tribulations we didn't just rip people off. I figured I did not want to be ripped off so I wouldn't do it to someone else. We did lots we weren't supposed to do, but somehow maintained a thread of respect for the rest of the world.

In my fathers day he would have had his ass kicked the first time.

 

RE: Not many kids who get locked up at 16, who are handled by the system, make a good show in life. Many end up career criminals.

He can get a head start.

RE: In my fathers day he would have had his ass kicked the first time.

Blame Dr. "no discipline! ever!" Spock. Can't do that. CPS will listen to your sullen son.

 

I think smoking pot and underage drinking are far worse offences than defying your parents.

This particular situation is not what I consider "normal teenage rebellion" (and yes, I believe that some teenage rebellion is normal). I am in no way condoning anything he does. I am simply suggesting that you not blame the times for a person's bad behavior- this is his fault, not "kids today"'s fault.

 

You are not alone. I have the SAME 16 year old step-son. We have a 13 year old who is not like that at all, like your 18 year old. What to do? I have no answers. We are lucky, our boy was sent to live with his real mother and I guess he acts the same towards her, too. While he was still living at home, we too had to lock up everything. Geez, he stole Christmas presents (for other people) from under the tree two years ago. Bad Karma, don't you think? Is it rebellion from our 'hippieness", I don't know. Is it anger for the failed marriage of his parents, I don't know. We sent him to a shrink, because everyone said we should and the shrink said it is normal teenage angst. Thievery - normal teenage angst? I guess things are different these days.

 

In the 1980s I remember them offering Greek and Latin in high school (I took Latin).

Now they're offering remedial English in university.

 

Being openly disrespectful and an asshole to your parents.....telling your mother to Fuck Off is far, far worse of an offense that going out to a party and smoking a bowl and drinking some beer when you are underage. That is my opinion anyway. Almost everybody experiements with alcohol and pot. With this I am realistic, and have no doubt a pattern of substance abuse will ruin ones life.

Please do not take offense with my "what's wrong with todays kids" comment. I actually feel that his behaviour must somehow be my fault, in some way. Parents who care tend to feel that way even when it isn't.

I do believe that our society has degraded in general, not just the kids.

 

I don't know either tarabelle. Our 18 year old rebelled from our "hippieness", but he did not resort to disrespect and thievery. He cut his hair, votes republican, thinks pot should be illegal, wouldn't even think of looking twice at an unshaven woman, plans a career in law enforcement, and certainly will not make his own home in a cabin with no power and an organic garden. But, he is a good person.

 

..

 

Not to be a smartass but, yeah, it seems so. Not too many days go by that I don't see at least one smartass little punk that I'd like to slap at least once.

then again I see some of the parents these days and I can understand the disrespect for the older generation.

 

kids who dont act like they want it probably need the extra love. Anger comes from being hurt weather it was from you or from someone else and if your child is angry the best thing you can give them is a lot of love and time. Not the fighting that anger just breeds in.
another idea is that he will hopefully grow out of it. the more you push him to be what you want him to be the more he's gonna push away. Something in the way you run your entire family has to change so everyone is happy. it's not just his job to be a better person.

 

That's one of the things that baffles me is that we never pushed our kids to be any one way. We have given them the freedom to think for themselves and have never insisted that what we think and believe, and how we live is the only way.

You're right it's not just his job it's ourThis family has been successfully running for 19 years and is a constantly evolving unit. Our whole life has been dedicated to raising our children to be healthy and hopefully happy people. With every trial and tribulation we ask ourselves what we are doing wrong and how can we do this better. I don't see any real problem with the way we generally run our home and family. We live the life my wife and I chose, we grow our own food, make our own power, own acreage, and built our own house. This is who we are and we will never be mainstream city dwellers with two incomes and all the toys that many people seen to need to live. Our four other children are OK with it. They may not choose to live like we do, but they accept who we are. Dishonesty and stealing should not be acceptable no matter who you are.

I think pansy is right on, that something is definately bothering him and to get to the root of that through counseling or some other way is needed. If his trouble is rooted what we are and he resents the very essence of who we are, I don't know what to change.

 

What are his punishments like? Besides not being allowed to play sports? If he's not getting disciplined "correctly" that could be why. If he sees no consequences to his actions, then why listen, right?

My mom used to take my books away when I was disrespectful as a preteen. For some kids that wouldn't be a big deal to them, but to me, it was terrible. What I'm saying is...make sure his punishment fits the crime. Worse comes to worse? Let the law step in. Sure, you may not want to do that...no parent does. But if you can't get through to him any other way, it may only take once or twice of getting the law involved for him to realize he doesn't want to go that way.

If he's stealing, it's an unsafe house for the rest of the kids. You have to keep them in mind too when considering how to handle your 16 y/o. If he is stealing from them...it may make them feel unsafe and in turn, start to act out. OR if the other children see the attention that you're giving to the 16 y/o (negative or not) and you're not giving them equal attention...they may begin to follow in his path. I'm not saying that you aren't...I'm just saying it's something to think about.

When I was his age, which wasn't all that long ago...I was scared shitless of my mom. Sure kept me in pretty good line. But....too late for those tactics...

Best of luck!

 

if he is stealing and being disrespectful... then i agree with dancer annie, the punishment has to fit the crime
what have you tried? this sounds like a situation where you need to get a little creative...
here's a suggestion, i would have him, as punishment and a learning lesson, volunteer at a local soup kitchen or homeless shelter or make him give some of his things he owns or has stolen to charity. maybe volunteer his time.
that way he can see people who haven't had the best luck in life, whether it is because of their own fault or not, and learn from their mistakes and realize this is not where he wants to end up. it sounds like he has it pretty good around where you live. i would have done anything for parents like you. now i am a parent of very young children and i am scared for what it will be like for our family when they hit their teenage years. we have 3 girls, all 2 years apart. it will be interesting when they are 14, 16 and 18. ahhh!

i would try to avoid the law at all costs. my dad called the cops first thing without trying to do something creative with me. i was an angry mixed up teen as well
he cared but not the right way ya know
you sound like you have done a good job
don't be so hard on yourself

 

You are so right on. The thing is with ours is that doesn't seem to care about the consequences no matter what they are. He just doesn't seem to make the connection.

Interesting suggestions as well, but for our boy, his Mom lived in a Homeless Shelter / Drug Rehab place for a year. The courts made us take them there for their bi-weekly weekend visits. (And this is without us being allowed in to see the place or the place having it's normal staffing due to it being the weekend!) And she has been on welfare for years. He HAS seen how the more unfortunate and the drug addicted live their lifes.

Literally nothing seems to affect him except video games.

I saw a special years ago on delayed gratification and I think there is something to this. It's a personality defect where the person cannot delay gratification for future reward. Like being able to save money - not shopping now so that you can get something better later. The study was done with really young kids and chocolate bars. The kids who could refrain from eating their bars for a certain length of time were promised a second bar and the kids who ate theirs right away were invariably mad because they didn't get two bars too anyway.

 

This probably where we screwed up. I don't think we were nearly tough enough from the beginning. We should have not let him continue basketball this winter when he really got mouthy to mom and really began not doing his chores. My wife tends to be a little softer than I. I too was hesitant to nix the basketball since it really was a positive thing. It was his motivation for keeping his grades up.

After his first (known) incident of theft, our ATM card, we were very up front about the consequences. If he didn't straighten up right then he had no chance of getting a drivers license or car. I guess he didn't care.

The law became involved when he was caught breaking into lockers. He and his buddies had been stealing MP3 players. He was caught in the act, searched and had weed on him. Drugs on school grounds is a felony. This is where I think the law was slack. One thing is that they treated the weed as a much, much greater offense than breaking into lockers. The state trooper did share a few stories about theivery and broken fingers on the fishing docks of Kodiak, but all in all he got off pretty light; unofficial probation, UA for 6 months, and 40 hours community service. I think the should have arrested him, put him in hand cuffs, and locked him up for a few days with a 300lb, bald, toothless, grinning cellmate. But, of course, that could cause a law suites from some parent worrying about their poor child. So, one more incident and he will be charged with a felony for the weed.

Chill~Mama this a great suggestion, in fact his mother is taking him to the homeless shelter to do some of his community service today. We would have done this several months ago, but they do not allow anyone under 16 to work there. He just turned 16 last week.

Hey, thanks for the kind comments. It's funny, my wife and have looked at each other baffled. We would have loved to have ourselves for parents.

As for the teenage girls......we have 13 and 14 yo girls. Great girls, but I don't know if I'll ever understand them. It seems that every time the 13 yo talks some un-intelligable teenage girl babble-spew leaves her mouth. I got frustrated with one of them one day and my wife askes me just what did I know about being a teenage girl. My response was "More than I want to know". Ha. So when your girls are all teenagers I can assure it will be interesting.

 

RE: You are so right on. The thing is with ours is that doesn't seem to care about the consequences no matter what they are. He just doesn't seem to make the connection.

This is a personal question which you can ignore.

This business of not seeing action->consequence is a classic sign of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome. Did the mother drink or drug to excess during early pregnancy?

 

I don't mind at all as I'm not the one who gave birth to him. I do not think his mother drank or did chemical drugs when she knew she was pregnant. Before she missed her first period, who could say? Though she intentionally tried to get pregnant (without sig other's knowledge, I might add) so she probably knew from the start that she was. But I do know that she smoked pot to help with the nausea.

The kid is missing so much fun in these teenage years. His getting his drivers license and car was tied to his grades, too. And I'm sure his Mom tried, but he failed all his classes. So no car.