Unclouding my Mind

I thought about posting this in mental health or philosophy and religion but I don't know many people in those parts so yeah!

I've been really struggling spiritually for the past few years and I've gotten to the point that I am extremely uncomfortable just sitting in my own thoughts because they lead to obsessing over death, dying, my life purpose, etc. I have developed an anxiety disorder in the past few years as well which is a combination of growing up in a physically and mentally abusive household, substance abuse problems, and having a really difficult time coming out. I have panic attacks and G.A.D with obsessive compulsive tendencies and it's a bizarre disorder because outwardly I'm confident, intelligent, and outgoing but inside I'm usually so caught up in inner dialogue it's hard to stay present in the moment. I have been exploring meditation and acupuncture learning a lot about myself but I have difficulty meditating when I'm anxious because my thoughts take control.

Today, I was on the acupuncture table and came to the realization that I am constantly distracting myself and that is why I am so anxious and uncomfortable all the time. Like, I come home from work, immediately turn on tv/ music because I can't stand silence. Then I come online and talk to people on the forums/ IM people/ email/ call friends. I can no longer fall asleep without the tv on because I just need noise to drown out my thoughts. I need to start listening to these thoughts and just accepting them without getting caught up in them. And it's worse at school because I over extend myself to "stay busy" by joining lots of clubs and causes that I don't even really care about. I know I'm fine when I'm alone but I always need some sort of stimulation and distraction. I can't relax, literally. When I'm on vacation, I can't just sit on the beach because my thoughts race and race and go in circles and make me miserable and terrified.

I've come to the decision that I need to stop this, and I know stopping these distractions will be anxiety provoking but hopefully I will be able to get to the root of my problems and deal with them properly. The onion is peeling, and the layers of superficial "cover up" anxieties are gone but now I'm left with a huge void adn a new set of issues. I'm afraid to adjust because I've gotten really comfortable being anxious all the time. I need to uncloud as much as possible right now to gain insight and clarity.

So I'm going to stop watching mindless tv
Stop going online (as much)
Stop reading tasteless things (I'm a little addicted to tabloids, haha)
Stop smoking weed and drinking alcohol completely.
Stop taking benzos recreationally, only take them if they are absolutely needed.
I already don't consume caffeine and I will limit refined sugars and meats.
Start exercizing more
Start waking up earlier and meditating to start the day
Start eating mindfully
Start counting my blessing every single day
Start journaling daily
Start smiling more
Start exploring spiritually (go to temples, churches, read religious texts, whatever sits well in my soul)

I know this is a lot, but some switch turned on today in my mind and I know things are never going to get better unless I take more active steps. And these things arn't things I want to be temporary, I want those goals to become my lifestyle. I really want to feel better, and feel comfortable in my own skin and mind and hopefully this is the right path for me to take. I am really determined right now and any support or advice would be much appreciated! Thanks for reading this all if ya did, it's quite lengthy, I wrote this more as to hold myself accountable and get my thoughts organized. And please don't ignore me on these forums now that I won't be intoxicated most of the time... haha.

 

Congrats! Unclouding your mind and getting your thoughts organized is always a really great thing.
Shit can really be overwhelming, and sometimes all you can do is think about it, and there is no way around it.. I'm normally a really chill person, and try not to have these burdens on my life (i'm always relaxing or trying to clear my head) and I noticed how awesome it makes me feel when I do this.
I have a friend that reminds me of you a bit.. she always has something on her mind, and can never truly relax. I reminded her that clearing your head and making new steps to better yourself is one of the best things you can do. I think she has been doing this, because she's been a lot happier and more chill than usual.


It's good you decided to take those steps toward a better you, and I hope it works out for the best! Good Luck

 

Good luck to you Bailey, always do what feels best for you.

But, this place makes drug use very tempting.

 

This is very true.
If I was to quit smoking weed, I probably wouldn't ever be able to come back here haha.

 

it aint that bad just gotta get over taht hump, then your good. I mean if i can do it im sure you could too.

 

Namaste Stella!
If you ever have any questions or just someone to talk to who is on the same path you can always send me a message. But you already knew that.
The most difficult part of the transition and solidifying your stance in equlibrium towards body and soul is the motivation, no doubt about that. When people suffer from OCD (I have it terribly, other than that Im at peace) and anxiety and the like, the motivation it requires to sit in meditation, or to read scripture of the different mystics, or to pray, or to practice yoga, etc. whatever you deal is, first requires patience more than anything else.
One thing to remember though, is that it is impossible to silent your mind completley. Even the Dali Lama has said that it is impossible for him, and his entire life is meditation lol. I have found, that what has worked for me, is to sit in meditation and not have a formula or a plan. To just simply sit, and watch my thoughts rise and fall like waves on the ocean. The equilibrium, the moment of moksha, is the balancing act known as the present, the eternal now, that is in between the rise and fall.
Just sit and watch, listen, be aware of the fact that you are sitting, watching, and listening, and the peace will come to you.
God bless and good health! This is the most difficult path we take in life Stella, but we should feel blessed that we have been chosen to take it. Not many even feel a true calling to find their true selve's, and a calm mind with no anxiety is a tiny drop in the sea of bliss that follows self discipline and attention towards higher truth.
To be honest I have been slacking as well on my meditative efforts, and my life has been almost devoid of happyness from inside, rather than from external sources. We should all be happy because we chose to be, and treat equality in others as a birth right.
Hari Om

 

this is what makes this path so difficult for me. I have off the charts agoraphobia (anxiety).

when I realize I'm not in control of a situation, I freak out. Good luck OP, I feel your pain and wish you the best.

 

And many people do, and it's the one thing I seem to be unable to help others with unless I can help in person.
One thing is without doubt though, drugs will only make anxiety worse, and is truly a mobius strips with different colours and emotions along the way but still coming back to sqaure one.
Which, life itself is a mobius strip of sorts so it's something which needs to be transcended.
Marijuana, opiates, alcohol, cocaine etc all have side effects including anxiety. To many people marijuana is temporary liberation from anxiety, and for many others it amplifies the overwhelming sensation of fear and general psycho/physical discomfort. If you are a person who suffers from anxiety and find yourself smoking herb habitualy to deal with the problem, well then it should be obvious that you are making your own situation worse repeatedly.
For me, when I do feel anxiety (which is very rare) or anger, repeating my favorite mantra on japa mala and focusing on being aware of my own state, allows me to see the uselessness in my fear or my obsessions. As hard as it is to not act on obsessive impusles or to not allow the mind to cave into senseless fear, it can be beaten and it simply a matter of self discipline, patience, love, and cultivating a healthy lifestyle. Every single thing you eat, put in your body, drugs, meat, sex, emotions, words, everything affects how you feel. So the simple math is, do good things, think positive thoughts, eat healthy foods, smoke herb medicinally, and naturally you will begin to change.
God bless

 

Try picking up an instrument, you'd be surprised at how mediative playing one can be. It's a great way to let your emotions and thoughts out and into the air waves. Remember that there is no such thing as an "awkward silence", it's only stating so that makes it awkward. Silence is beautiful, and contrary to common belief it's not the absence of anything (not really even noise), because there's always so much going on around us (nature sure is something), just take time out of your day every now and then to take it all in.

 

Great advice! Even meditating for 5 minutes a day is a beautiful start and much more than most people even think of contributing to themselves.
Playing music is always recommended because it is such a high form of meditation. Often, musicians dont even get the same high as the audience listening because they disconnect their awareness and let it just flow with the Now of the moment. When I play Bach, or Sor, or Segovia on my guitar it is nothing like listening to it, because the music just starts to flow out. Entirely different sensation really.
But everything can be meditation so long as you are aware of the fact that you are aware of what you are doing. Walking to work or school, driving in a car, riding a train, readin a book and studying, all these things can be meditation if you make it that way. The neural pathways in your brain will begin to rearrange and form new patterns to allow more registery for your receptive vibrations, and any effort on your part towards higher truth will resonate profound memories around your soul as you meditate that you feel you somehow have always known Being sensitive to life is what makes us feel anxiety and depression, but being sensitive also makes us much more aware of reality that is blocked from our perception by our screen of personality.
Hari Om!

 

I dunno man. my anxiety seems unbeatable, and it's only been growing stronger, I have it about everything now. You say that you feel it very rarely, so I dont know if you can relate or not. Honestly I consider it one of the worst states of mind to be in, absolutely awful. I dont really know what to do about it, and I know drugs aren't an option. I do good things, I think positive thoughts, but I find that I'm just so overtly sensitive that I can't help but have anxiety about things.

 

Of course it seems unbeatable, if it were easy we wouldnt have to meditate Josh. Any mental or physical disturbance you have is caused by external stimuli. If your uncomfortable with yourself, it is because you are uncomfortable with your thoughts and actions, which are both responses to the world we live in. Anxiety is a by product of a restless mind, and so long as you are not entirely insane, it can be reversed.
I can relate to it because I have had anxiety attacks, even if they are rare I know the feeling all too well. Not to mention the countless magic mushroom trips that had me clutching my body trembling in fear for hours in my bed lol. But the entire duration of those mental disturbances I've experienced, I focused on the pain, invited into my bodily temple, and tried to understand why I was experiencing this unwelcomed condition and worked on removing by way of will and our energy. If you break down your episodes of fear with a discriminating mind, then you will find the root or the cause of the fear, and can then and only then truly remove its seeds from your mind. If you keep running and looking for answers from external sources like drugs, money, or even other people the seeds will just keep growing.
By reasoning for yourself why it is difficult, really you are just avoiding owning up to your own insecurities and hang ups. Being open and free is hard and we all have our problems, but tackling them head on is the only way to overcome.
God bless

 

interesting on what you say about insanity. I've seen you post polar opposite reactions to what ppl perceive as diagnosable mental disorders as defined by western psychology, so I'm interested in knowing what you really think insanity truly is????

as for the anxiety thing, I totally agree with everything you said. I dont meditate, and my process for beating anxiety is usually to not attach to my thoughts, take a step back, look at them objectively, percieve them as irrational as they usually are, and move forward. sometimes they are just so overpowering though. it's definatly a struggle sometimes, and I feel for anyone that has to deal with it...

 

So do I. I feel sorry for anyone who has to suffer through anything! But it's so hard to make people realize that they are solely responsible for contributing effort to bettering themselves when there is a wolrd of doctors out there who throw benzo's left and right, sleeping pills and SSRI's when people have dealt with these mental states since the dawn of civilization and have found natural, self discipline methods of getting 'happy'.
As for insanity, really I just dont think it exists, I think people just give up on caring but dont have a mature stable mentality with which to not have a reason to not care and just destroy themselves by acting on every whim and impulse. As for things like schizophrenia and multiple personality shit, the 'real' insanity, I cant say because I dont experience it and I have not studied it, either scientifically nor with metaphysics. I do think that we know far too little about the way our minds work to make judgements on what causes severe psychosis, whatever that is!

 

man, i have so many things to contribute/relate to here that i wish i didn't just wake up so my head was clear enough to type them all out

i mean, i love everything relayer says, but when you just wake up it's so hard to read all his posts that i just had to read neo's reactions to get context to what he said, ha!

so i'm posting this little non-contributing post so i can remember to come back here when there's more present in my mind than "stretch/piss/food"

 

Wow, thank you all for the thoughtful responses! I'll be back in a while to talk in more depth, I'm going to another job interview right now!

 

take your time brother...this thread will be here for a good while

 

Im getting off work in 30 minutes haha :tongue:
I hope anything I said helps in even the smallest way Stella, and to send you some love and positive energy, I am going to force myself to meditate tonight. I'll send you healing thoughts and thank you, because your thread has inspired me to pick up again. I mean I was going to already, but sharing thoughts here was a nice boost for the me to shut my laziness up and practice what I preach

 

The most frustrating thing about anxiety, and the most freeing, is that it is created by the individual. Being overly sensitive can be a gift as well as a curse. For me, I can literally absorb others emotions, positive and negative, but that doesn't mean I can just cut people out of my life. There are methods you can learn to make yourself not less sensitive, but less susceptable to getting overwhelmed. I can get sooo angry at myself sometimes, saying things like "why am I like this?! Why can't I just let it go? Why am I so caught up in my mind all the time" but these questions are useless. I developed anxiety as a coping strategy to the home I grew up in and it was extremely effective then, but now I'm kind of stuck. To overcome anxiety, there's a lot you can do, even if it might not feel like it. I've gotten to the point several times where I think I'm going crazy and need to be institutionalized. But our brains have become comfortable in the anxious state so the only thing to do is to retrain your thoughts, and it's anxiety provoking to do this but it is do-able. Like you can think positively and still feel anxious, the problem is that the positive thoughts are a lot less frequent then the obsessive thoughts, overtime you can change that.

I've just realized how silly I've been saying things like "I'm trying so hard, why arn't I better?" but how can I expect peace of mind when I'm constantly clouding myself up, yanno?

 

Thank you John for once again sharing your wisdom with me. I know it's impossible to completely silence the mind and most of the time, I can sit, and just watch the thoughts flow in and out of my mind. When I'm not being patient or having an especially hard day, obsessive thoughts totally consume me. Thank you for the reminder though that meditation should never be done with a specific goal in mind, you know? A lot of times I forget that and say to myself "I'm going to meditate now and feel better now" but it doesn't really work that way with vipassana. I need to go into it more open minded and with less expectations because I beat myself for not feeling better immediately. It's sooo easy to be miserable all the time, because suffering is the rule, not the exception. I feel more determined than ever right now to gain balance.

I don't know if you are into chinese medicine at all, but have you ever gone Qi Gong? I'm thinking about starting because of this void I've been feeling. As I see it, the void is my anxiety leaving, and left open, it's simply returns back because it's comfortable and safe for me to occupy that space with fear. So hopefully, through meditation and music and Qi Gong, that space that once was filled with terror and anxiety can now be filled with positivity and light.