Props for the double fail. I'd buzz (yet not incredibly short) it if I were you. It will be a new look, which is always fun... and it's pretty damn easy to do by yourself. You'd have to cut the beard down a bit if you do it though... otherwise you'd look way too nu metal.
I say you could always try to... worse comes to worse you have to shave it completely... doesn't sound like a big deal. I would trim the beard to... just a little. Either way I think you're pretty.
My clippers were going putt, putt, putt. I can't find the charger either. I do however have a pair of kitchen shears and a sharp buck knife.
i cut my own hair and it's not that hard, but kitchen shears ans a buck knife sound like a bad idea. if you want to look not scary that is.