What is going on with me? Im feeling guilty/lost...

OK I am a 23 year old woman who has always led a strait life. I have been with my current boyfriend for a year and a half. But we have had problems....more like I have had problems. Ones that he cant even begin to fathom. I am attracted to women. I seem to gravitate towards all things gay. My favorite people at work are the gay ones, my favorite show is queer as folk...and a few other things. My boyfriend has seriously asked me a few times...and jokingly as well...if I like girls...and i deny it. Well...now that I think of it, every girl I have made friends with since I was in junior high, I had crushes on...or I would ask myself "Geez could they be gay?..." more like I was hoping for that. In high school I was with someone...yet started thinking about women to reach an orgasm. I denied my feelings and stopped the fantasies...and stayed with that guy for 7 years. He cheated, I left...and ended up falling in love with a great guy...my current guy.

But.....when no ones around I look at lesbian porn...and I feel so bad about it. Not so much what I am doing...but that I am doing it when I am in a strait relationship...and he has no idea. I started the fantasies again.....and have a big crush on my friend, who I am not too close to...but have this odd feeling that she might be curious..or a lesbian...but thats a whole other matter . *sigh* Just tonite I was watching the last season of QAF and they were talking about coming out and I just started crying. Then I went online to get some resources and much to my suprise.....today is national coming out day..... -_-....is this some sort of sign....

I know I want the whole marriage, family thing...and I love my boyfriend and we have talked about all those things....I could never hurt him. But, lets say if we weren't together....I think I could very easily come out as a bisexual....im so lost.

 

Only you can answer that question for yourself, but from here it certainly sounds as if you are quite possibly bisexual.

Your boyfriend certainly seems to have picked up on the possibility if he has asked you seriously and more than once.

You might be surprised just how many bisexual women are involved with great guys or married to great guys. You probably will not be surprised to know that being married and having a great marriage won't make those feelings go away.

Here's what I see as things that might happen.

You could repress all lesbian feelings and be vaguely (or not so vaguely) miserable.

You could talk to your boyfriend about the things he already suspects and he might be very understanding and wish to stay with you.

You could talk to your boyfriend and he might be very upset.

I know a woman who lives near me who is bisexual and polyamorous. She and her husband (who is gay) have been married for 27 years. They love each other deeply, but theirs is not a sexual relationship. They don't have children.

Love comes in all shapes and varieties. Know that other people have found ways of living and loving.

 

woo is that marriage ever unusual! It sounds really nice, actually.


Hey confused little one, I'd take that as a sign for sure, although perhaps it doesn't make it any easier. If I were you, I'd either talk to my boyfriend about it, or break up right away. Relationships 'work' if they are pure. If you always have a subdialogue going on inside of you saying 'am I bi, or gay' then you're going to burn out. That's exhausting. Burn out in a most unsatisfied way.

So maybe it's time to change your life. Maybe it's time to flip upside down your tendency to settle for mediocrity.

Anyway, remember to have fun.