What makes my virginity so "special"?

I'm 25, but I haven't had sex yet. Not that I'm holding out, I just haven't done it yet (girls weren't really a thing to me until I finished college). It's starting to become sort of a "priority" to me now now, and I don't wish to end up married to my right hand. That would suck kind of fierce. Sometimes people joke around and rib me about it. Last girl I was into I managed to ward off when I dropped that tidbit during a conversation...made me feel like sh*t for a week. Never again. :sunny:

I have a bunch of platonic friends that always try to discourage me from having sex unless it's with some mythical, non-existent Mrs. Right. I'm starting to find it annoying and really despise it, I don't see why this group seems to treasure it so much to the point where they actively try to convince me to hang onto it, which doesn't make sense...It's a basic human need to want sex.

I've only recently "discovered" that women aren't exactly sugar, spice and everything nice (my rather strict, puritanical and fiercely old-fashioned parents forced into my head), and enjoy sex as casually as any guy would, so that kind of broke down notions that had me putting women way high on the pedestal.....which probably adds to how I haven't seen past second base (And I feel more than ready to), I know it's not very attractive.

I want to have sex like everyone else my age and see what it feels like, I honestly doing believe in this "wait for the right one" hokum, I don't think my first needs to be the love of my life or anything (Haven't really had a relationship with a girl yet, I've always flown solo). I used to not really care about it, but for the last two years, my virginity has really gotten to me. All of my friends have been sexually active for years and are not afraid to talk about it openly to me or around me, and it makes me feel inadequate, depressed and sort of jealous....feelings I never felt before when the topic of sex came up. I know a lot of you are going to say "sex isn't really a big deal", but that's kind of hard to accept when you haven't had it and really want it.

So, is virginity such an awesome, beautiful thing....or are women telling me that to make me feel better? It's starting to seem like more of the latter.

 

neither. women are telling you that to make themselves feel better. i think deep down a lot of women still hold onto that whole idealized version of sex that they heard as kids, so they are trying to live vicariously through their one virgin friend. plus some women just seem to get off on keeping guys from having sex, by any means necessary.

 

Harsh. What makes you so sure?

 

well i'm not 100% sure. that's why i used phrases like "i think" and "seem to." just my observation.

 

"NO! wait until you're READY! virginity must be CHERISHED!"

load of rubbish as far as i'm concerned. obviously you need to wait until you're mature enough to be able to make decisions about who to sleep with etc, and there are certain obvious responsibilities you gotta be aware of before you start shagging willy-nilly. but beyond that, this whole mentality of sex being this really dark, dangerous thing that if you're not adequately prepared for it can traumatise you for life strikes me as pretty unhealthy.

the only healthy way of looking at it, i'd say, is just that sex is a part of life, its jolly, enjoyable, its related to some of our baser urges and like most things related to our baser urges has the potential to become problematic, but that isn't any reason to be so cautious as to avoid it.

I wouldn't say virginity is a beautiful thing, but nor would i say its a bad thing, its just....neutral. its not such a terrible stigma that you should feel compelled to get rid of it as soon as possible, but nor should you feel particularly sad about its passing.

if you want to have sex, and the opportunity arises, have sex. don't hang on to some mythical virtuous virginal state, the idea is ridiculous, might as well ascribe virtue to never having watched "iron man" for all the correlation there is.

 

well, being an iron man virgin may actually be something to hold onto as long as possible.

 

Find a fun-loving slut, and get this over with. Then you can stop wasting mental energy on it and move on.

 

I actually agree with this. I wouldn't choose the word "cherished", but the over all statement speaks sense. Why wouldn't you wait until you're ready?

I don't think people tell you to hang on to your virginity in order to make you or themselves feel better. People probably assume you've held onto it until now because you hold it in a higher-esteem than they do, and that's the advice they're offering.

All I can really say is, do what you want! If you want to have sex, then go and do it. It doesn't need to be anymore complex than that.

 

Don't take sex advice from women. Unless you find one that's capable of being honest and blunt. Or else you're just going to hear the sweeter side of things, and that can get very annoying. Haha ok that sounds mean no that I read it. But it's true at least 60% of the time.

 

Crock of shit.

 

well this is rather tricky to explain, and i did a fairly crap job in my post, but what i was trying to get at was that there is a distinction between being "ready" in the sense that you feel you are personally ready to make your own decision and possess the emotional maturity necessary to make that kind of decision, plus not being pressured into a decision by external forces like peer pressure/whatever. and being "READY" in the sense that there is some kind of universal READY-NESS like some kind of spiritual nirvana where you achieve some kind of synthesis of body and soul, a one-ness between two people. It seems that when when people say, so forcefully that you have to wait until you're "READY" they create a tension that need not exist. also, it can be fairly condescending, and implies that the person in question should conform to someone else's standard of readiness rather than there own, which is just the same as the pressure to have sex.

also, tbh, it creates an unachievable goal which sets you up for dissapointment, a lot of people don't really know what to expect their first time and mess up, or don't have as good a time as they thought they would. Then, thanks to this mentality, they spend ages kicking themselves saying "if only i'd waited until i was READY" fact is, i'm not sure there really is a concrete definition of a state of readiness, and the implication that there is one creates an unattainable standard which just ends up making people feel unhappy and inadequate.

i get that i didn't make that point as well as i should have.

put it this way, say you wanna play a game of chess, you make the decision to play the game, you have the mental capacity and the equipment; a chessboard, the pieces and someone who wants to play.
as far as i'm concerned, thats pretty much what being "ready" is, in this instance.

so you play a game, and maybe you lose, cos its your first time ever playing chess, or maybe you win. either way, chances are you enjoyed playing and make arrangements to play again soon.

OR you put off the game and go off and do other things, gain life experience in other areas, because you listen to a load of people (who've all been playing chess for years, no doubt) tell you you can't play chess until you're emotionally or spiritually "ready" (they're pretty vague about the details, but assure you you'll recognise this feeling of being "ready" when you get there) after years of this, you finally think "fuck it, i'm as ready as i'll ever be" and have a game. you'll probably have exactly the same experience as if you took the first option, only difference is, you'll be wondering why you spent so much time kayaking and mountain climbing and trying to "find yourself" when all you really wanted to do is play some chess.

sometimes a game of chess is just a game of chess. except in this metaphor. when it's actually representing sex.

if you feel like you wanna have sex, and your thinking about it lucidly and logically and not being an idiot, then you're probably as ready as you need to be. There isn't a universal standard of readiness, as people seem to imply.

 

yes, that's what most sex advice given by females amounts to.

 

Its something of an ephiphany, when you get to that point where you realise your parents dont actually have your best interests in mind. Its still always about them, their reputation, explaining your reputation to their friends.

And thats the next part, working out how often that is bullshit. Just cos they say something doesnt make it true. Its not like they are ever going to talk it down rather than talk it up, or admit the truth

Or its pretty much the only thing you dont end up getting bored with, when done properly its friggin awesome, anyone that tries to control you with it should fuck off, and once you start you should try fuck as many people as you can so you dont end up cranky all the time like your parents

Not obsessed with sex all the time, out loud anyway, makes you great husband (doormat) material. A good little puppy dog that hands over his paycheck every week and does what he is told.

The sneaky part, and its very very sneaky, and you'll never ever ever hear a single one of them admit it out loud. But its not the gardener or plumber whilst you are at work you have to worry about. 9 times out of ten, its the dad. And you'll end up working out thats one of the main reasons you've had trouble so far, your dad was just blerrkk, some boring grumpy old doormat looking down on them for wearing the mini skirt rather than getting all pervy.

Anyway, thats what its reallly all about, just a whole bunch of garbage to cover up the daddy issues. Which is all kinds of wrong if you look like their dad.

And aside from that its just weird, when younger more interested into clinging to crusty old guys than healthy boom boom with hot guys, not that I'm really complaing far less competition for us....but then they all get to an age where they realise they havent had enough healthy boom boom then get angry at everything ....and thats when things really get fucked. "Oh, I'm so in love with my gorgeous doormat and my three bratty children, we couldnt POSSIBLY be happier" but then look at you like they want to rip your face off and piss on your corpse

 

^I really hope what you said is very stereotypical.

 

Sure, sure. Because if women kept their mouths shut about sex and let men figure it out themselves they'd do just fine, I'm sure.

 

I think I'm just gonna keep dating until I find someone I'm into and she feels the same, whether it's a building block to a relationship or just fooling around. I'm sure It'tl be great regardless.

Fun Fact: I put that I was a virgin on OkCupid after posting this, just to see what would happen. First time ever my inbox popped up with initial greetings. :3

 

I wouldn't say it's 'special' per say, but depending on the person it can matter a little more.
I would say it matters/means more to women generally, because it can hurt a LOT the first time. My first time hurt tremendously, but there's really nothing you can do about it. My boyfriend was as gentle as he possibly could be without the ability to make his penis smaller, and I'm glad it was with him because he comforted me when he knew I was uncomfortable. We got the job done.

Anyway, I would say it's a bigger deal for girls, if anyone's making a big deal out of it.

 

Nothing. Nothing at all.

 

obviously communication is necessary regarding the sex act itself. myself and i'm sure the other poster were referring to sex advice regarding when to have it/how to initiate it/etc. and yes, the men that don't listen to women at all are the ones that tend to do better in those aspects than the ones that listen to women and just don't end up having sex ever.

 

there is nothing-not a single thing-that makes virginity special. Those that "cherish" the "pure" state are a front for everything that is wrong with sex.

It shouldn't be about control. It shouldn't be about "don't do X or Y until you're married". It SHOULD be ONLY "Do what makes you and your partner/s satisfied once you are old enough to make that decision sensibly".

Everything else is a control mechanism with a religious origin.