What would you do?

When I was 30 years old, I had been married for 7 years. Some friends called to let me know my high school boyfriend who I had been with for four years and almost married now had brain cancer and didn't have very much longer to live. We had not spoken since we broke up, 9 years before.

We had been very close and loved each other very much, so I flew cross country to see him one last time. We had the opportunity to say all the things most people never get the chance to say to each other, and said our goodbyes. He asked to make love to me and we did three times during the week I stayed with him. I felt it would have been wrong not to.

My question is, what would you have done?

 

I don't know. I've never been in that kind of situation.

Why do you ask, anyway? Do you feel guilty about it? Are you looking for some sort of validation from us that will assure you that what you did was right/wrong? I'm guessing that your husband knew about this. How did he take it?

 

If I wasn't in an open relationship I wouldn't have had sex with him. And I certainly wouldn't have sex with somebody simply because I felt bad for them.

 

i wouldn't have done it. i would've said i'm sorry but i don't think it's appropriate and just left it at that.

 

I wouldn't have gotten married, that's for sure.

 

Thank you Musikero, xxaru,DazedGypsy, and Cherea,
for your answers.

Musikero,
You wrote,
"I don't know. I've never been in that kind of situation."

Neither had I.

"Why do you ask, anyway?"
Simply to ask what others might do given the same situation.

"Do you feel guilty about it? No. For me I would have felt guilty about it had we not made love together. Marriages may or may not last forever. Death however, is forever. From the old "Doors" song, "The End," I'll never look into your eyes again," is very haunting and weighed heavily in my decision.

Just because a person is married doesn't mean that you ever stop loving another person. As I get older, I find that many people who come into our lives are a gift, for no matter how long they stay in our lives, and having known them makes us better people.

The sadness and grief of their passing may be strong, but the gift of their love and friendship and the happiness they brought you, outweighs the sadness. For me, I could not have lived with myself if I had not held him in my arms those last times and let him know I still loved him and always would.

"Are you looking for some sort of validation from us that will assure you that what you did was right/wrong?" No. If I had it all to do over again, I'd do the same thing. And I've had several years to think about it.

"I'm guessing that your husband knew about this. How did he take it?"
No, I only told my dad when he was dying of pancreatic cancer, because I knew I'd never have the chance to talk to him again, and I knew I had to get his opinion on this. He said what I had done was brave. And I asked him, "How could I not?" He said he would have done the same thing.

I didn't tell my husband because I had no intention of hurting him.

xxaru,
You wrote,
"If I wasn't in an open relationship I wouldn't have had sex with him. And I certainly wouldn't have sex with somebody simply because I felt bad for them."

No, I wasn't in an open relationship. And no, it wasn't that I felt bad for him. I was surprised when he asked, but feeling sorry for him wasn't why I did it. I did it because he let me know he wanted to be with me again, and then when I had a while to think about it, I wanted to be with him also. Please see above explanation to Musikero also.

DazedGypsy,

Thank you for your reply.

Cherea,

You wrote,"I wouldn't have gotten married, that's for sure."

Yes, I understand what you mean. These decisions that I made I didn't take lightly; getting married and being with my h.s. boyfriend again. Again, this was 7 years into my marriage, and I would not have dreamed that I ever would not be true to my husband. But sometimes life blindsides us with these surprises and you have to make the decision that you feel is correct.

 

I meant to say, I don't think the cheating was the incorrect part.

 

Understood. But I still can't agree with you having sex with him, being that you were in a monogomous relationship. I don't really believe in commited monogomous relationships to begin with... so it's not something I hold myself to, or suggest others to uphold. But I think if you commit to your partner like that, then you at least owe it to them to be truthful.

 

Which is why the only answer I can give you is that I don't know what I would have done. I don't know if I would have done the same thing or not. It's easy to say, "I would have done this" or "I wouldn't have done that" - but it's an entirely different matter when you're actually in that situation. This is something that people seem to forget when they hear somebody else's story.

 

I would have done exactly what you did.

 

xxaru, You wrote,

"But I think if you commit to your partner like that, then you at least owe it to them to be truthful."

Yes, this is how I went into my marriage. But I still loved my husband. And still had love for my h.s. boyfriend who soon would be dead. Being truthful would have meant I would have had to have told my husband I was going to be with my boyfriend again, and then he could have asked me for a divorce or let me be with him. But I didn't want to hurt my husband.

Having love for one person, doesn't diminish the love you have for another. They are separate and that is how I could make sense of it.

I asked myself if one of the women from my husband's past was dying of cancer; soon to be dead, would I think it would be okay if he was with her again one last time(s), and the answer for me was yes. I would understand it, and I would know he would be making her happy, and it wouldn't threaten our marriage at all because he was doing it out of love. It is possible to love more than one person and I know and accept this. I lived it first hand.

But there is no getting around it, I wasn't truthful. But for me there were other issues to consider than being totally truthful.

Musikero,

You wrote,"It's easy to say, "I would have done this" or "I wouldn't have done that" - but it's an entirely different matter when you're actually in that situation. This is something that people seem to forget when they hear somebody else's story." Yes, thank you for seeing this.

wild-flowers,

You wrote,"I would have done exactly what you did." Thank you for your reply and understanding.

 

I think you have made sence of it well and if you feel that what you did was truly right, then there is nothing to regret... after all, as you said it was the end and im sure he was happy to be with you. i dont think you should feel shame.

 

I'm not trying to judge here. I'm just stating how I would see things if I were in the relationship. What you stated above makes the situation even worse in my eyes... because you were having a real relationship with this guy.

I know for me, when I'm in a relationship it doesn't mean that I stop fucking other people. And I don't have a problem if my girl wants to do the same, so long as it's just sex. But if she has/develops feelings for someone else, then thats a deal breaker for me. And I would probably put dishonesty as the number 1 relationship killer.

 

To greengirl90, and xxaru,

Thank you greengirl90

for your thoughtful comments. We both were very happy to be with each other again, and had the opportunity to say all the things we needed to say. Most people never have this opportunity. We were able to talk about the misunderstandings of the past, and laugh and cry together at how life turns out sometimes.

Thank you xxaru,
for your reply. You wrote,

"What you stated above makes the situation even worse in my eyes... because you were having a real relationship with this guy."

Yes. "This guy" wasn't just some guy off the street. He had been my love from sophomore year in high school, through sophomore year in college. He meant so much to me, or I wouldn't have gone outside my marriage to be with him.

You wrote,
"I know for me, when I'm in a relationship it doesn't mean that I stop fucking other people. And I don't have a problem if my girl wants to do the same, so long as it's just sex. But if she has/develops feelings for someone else, then that's a deal breaker for me. And I would probably put dishonesty as the number 1 relationship killer."

I can understand what you are saying, as it is easier to compartmentalize things, and say it is no big deal to fuck this person or that person. But the thing is, people have feelings and most likely someone will be hurt whether you know it or not. The girl you fucked last night or the night before, might have had feelings for you, and then when you never call her back it most likely hurts her very much.

My beliefs differ greatly from yours in that I don't, "fuck" people. I make love with them, or I don't bother. I have to love them before I get intimate with them. Consequently, I've only been with six men my entire life, and I am considerably older than you are. Everyone I've been with, I've been in a relationship with and I have loved, and they have loved me. If I don't love them, I don't make love to them, and won't just "fuck," to fuck. I masturbate to take care of those needs. That way no one gets hurt.

 

Personal opinion? I really believe that you should have done everything you had BUT having sex. When you asked yourself if you'd let your husband do the same, I think that that was more of a defensive move. First off, why would you even ask yourself that if it wasn't for a tad bit of guilt? Here I find you replying to everyone with various reasons just making me to believe that you're trying to defend yourself. From who? Someone already mentioned, it's as if you're trying to find recognition or cornfirmation here. Even though you say the complete opposite, I still somehow believe that you do feel guilty.

And about your husband. Well, I already put myself into his place. Divorce would most likely be the number one choice that I would go after. You want to be truthful, yet you won't tell him what you did in order to keep your marriage. What a dilemma. Well, hope you can solve it.

That's my two cents.

 

It good to get different opinions, well done for voicing something so close to you on the net. Very brave lady!


I would have called my husband and told him the situation, just so that we wer sharing what was still occuring in my life.
After that I would take what he felt into consideration and acted on what my heart was telling me..

Life can sure chuck us some odd situations, and how we deal wiv them is diverse and totally indivdual to us.

Im glad your still happy and I take it he knows now or is that ur secret? Im not sure I could have looked my partner in the eye ever again wivout spliing the beans!

 

It's all about honesty. I believe in being honest and straight forward with regards to what I do and what I'm about. I never lead a girl on or make her believe that I want more from her than I really do... or give her the impression that she "could" have more with me if she wanted.

Excellent point!

 

if i was a girl in your situation, i would find that being loyal to someone who loved me enough to invest in a marrage would be more satisfying. so my answer is no and i hope your husband doesnt ever find out. that kindof thing would bother me for a long time if i was him

 

Pentum You wrote,

"Personal opinion? I really believe that you should have done everything you had BUT having sex. When you asked yourself if you'd let your husband do the same, I think that that was more of a defensive move."

I did this years later, upon reflection and don't feel this was a "defensive move."

"First off, why would you even ask yourself that if it wasn't for a tad bit of guilt?"

Because if it happened to him I would understand. He is 12 years older than I, and had been with many women, and it might happen for him too. I would condone and encourage it because I know what it is like. That is why. More of an empathy thing, with no guilt involved.

Pentum I would have felt guilty if my h.s. boyfriend asked and I had said no. Looking into someone's eyes knowing at the time, it will be for the last time, while making love to them is one of the most powerful experiences I've ever had. You both get the closure you need, and to express the love you have for each other on the closest, most intimate level there is.

"Here I find you replying to everyone with various reasons just making me to believe that you're trying to defend yourself." I was merely addressing each point that those who wrote back to me raised. Nothing more, nothing less.

"From who?" No one.

"Someone already mentioned, it's as if you're trying to find recognition or confirmation here." No. No recognition - You don't know my real name. And no confirmation he died years ago and I'm at peace with what we did.

Perhaps I should have phrased it in poll form as opposed to essay form?

Such as: What would you do if someone you had been in a serious, long term relationship who you were no longer with asked you to make love to them one last time before they died from a swift moving, fatal disease?

Would you say Yes?
Would you say No?
Don't know what you would do?

Put in this form I see it would have been less personal and more straight ahead.

"Even though you say the complete opposite, I still somehow believe that you do feel guilty." I respect your opinion.

"And about your husband. Well, I already put myself into his place. Divorce would most likely be the number one choice that I would go after. You want to be truthful, yet you won't tell him what you did in order to keep your marriage. What a dilemma. Well, hope you can solve it."

Thank you. No dilemma involved here for me. I hope you will not be judged as such when life throws something your way that may not be as black and white as you expect it to be.

Hi Dancing til Dawn,

You wrote, "It good to get different opinions, well done for voicing something so close to you on the net. Very brave lady!"

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement.


"I would have called my husband and told him the situation, just so that we were sharing what was still occurring in my life. After that I would take what he felt into consideration and acted on what my heart was telling me.."

That is very wise. I had not thought of that. I only thought that because I already knew what I was going to do, and it was separate from my husband and I that I shouldn't even bring it up as it would hurt him. My intent was to tell someone I loved goodbye, and not hurt someone else that I loved also about the incident.

"Life can sure chuck us some odd situations, and how we deal with them is diverse and totally individual to us." Oh yes. Thank you for your understanding.

"I'm glad your still happy." This happened 18 years ago.

"and I take it he knows now or is that ur secret? Im not sure I could have looked my partner in the eye ever again wivout spliing the beans!"
No, he never found out.

xxaru

You wrote, "t's all about honesty. I believe in being honest and straight forward with regards to what I do and what I'm about. I never lead a girl on or make her believe that I want more from her than I really do... or give her the impression that she "could" have more with me if she wanted"

That is very honorable of you, and I'm sure the women in your life appreciate your straight-forward approach.

bluesensation,

You wrote,"if i was a girl in your situation, i would find that being loyal to someone who loved me enough to invest in a marriage would be more satisfying." Yes, of course.

"so my answer is no and i hope your husband doesnt ever find out. that kind of thing would bother me for a long time if i was him" No he never found out, and yes, of course it would bother him for a long time. I never had any intent to hurt anyone given the situation I found myself in, so I dealt with it so no one was hurt.

 

IMO, this is a prime example of why people shouldn’t be sexually monogamous. It’s just not natural, and the percentage of people that cheat in monogamous relationships is extremely high. If everyone followed my relationship philosophies, the world would be a much better place .

Sugarplum, I find your mentality rather ironic. You say you won’t just have sex with someone to satisfy your needs/desires because that’s how people get hurt. But yet you have no issues with having a real love relationship with one person, when you’re in a strict committed relationship with another. That’s how people REALLY get hurt. If I committed my love to just one girl, you can bet that girl would be much more hurt if I told her I was in love with another woman (and acted on it), than would be a girl I slept with who found out the hard way that I was just using her for sex.