i am a whistler as i walk down the one-lane road. a listener on the bus ride to campus, where the books are, where i am a reader and a walker. aisles of journeys assure me that i am also an adventurer. black and white paperbacks and ancient tomes of fancy talk clear a path to blue-fabric couches, and i am a sitter. watch the wall as the people pass by; good things like orange shoes and yellow bags, birthday cake with sixty-five candles, i am a witness. take it outside with me, down the waterfall-stairway, to the place where time casts it shadow. i am helpless as the sun shines on my bare skin. even on the one-lane road i am lost, but i am a whistler. -rdw9908
I've been thinking about this for a couple of days since you posted it. I like the basic premise of describing the different characters you play throughout you day, I'm just not sure about the execution. Some of the language is great, especially the bit about the library assuring you that you don't lack adventure. But overall, as it is, the poem lacks any verbs other than the verb to be, which leaves it a little bit like a lecture and less likely to take me on the journey with you. I've played around a little with it, not trying to rewrite your poem, but just to give you some ideas for a possible edit. Maybe you should try to show the movement throught the day by using more active verbs. I whistle to the bus-stop, listen on the ride to campus, where the books are. I walk and read, black and white paperbacks and ancient tomes of fancy talk. Aisles of journeys assure me that i love adventure. I clear a path to blue-fabric couches, sit and watch the wall as the people pass with good things, like orange shoes and yellow bags, birthday cake with sixty-five candles, I am a witness. I take it outside with me, down the waterfall-stairway, to the place where time casts it shadow, helpless as the sun shines on my bare skin. I am lost, but yet, I whistle. I really don't like 'walk'. I think it is a very weak verb and should be reconsidered. Anyhow, as always, I enjoyed considering this. I enjoy most of your work and always find something to think about. Thanks for posting, A.
i appreciate you takin' the time. it was very rough bones. i kicked myself for bumping it, thinking it best to let it slip away. but i understand your words, as always. i need to work on movement. i also need to work on giving lectures (at least, hopefully, in the future!).
