will i ever trust him again?

I am here because i am having trouble trusting my husband again.
when i was 4 months pregs with my youngest(who is now nearly 3 months old) my husband went away for his friend wedding, he was onlt gone 3 days.
When he got back i found he was acting different, never let his phone out of his sight, going up to bed early, taking the dog on,long walks (which he never ued to do) etc...etc. Anyway 2 weeks later i found out that he had cheated on me and he had left her house the morning he left to come home, so after a lot of crying and A LOT of anger, i decided to give him another chance for the kids sakes more than anything.

Now, when he's at home we do get on really well and mess about having a laugh together but as soon as his phone rings or he makes a call, i'm wondering who it is and as soon as he steps foot out the door to go to work or the shops i'm constanly thinking, is he really going where he said and who is he with.

so i just wanted to know if anybody has had a cheating partner and has taken them back and has learnt to trust them again?

 

first let me say that I am so sorry for your current situation!
I cheated.. my situation was different.. I had told this guy that I wasn't ready for a committed relationship but he wanted to move in with me anyway.. looking back on it I should have persisted that we slow down... but I handled things wrong.. I let him know I wanted to be open and "see" other people... after a little more then a month I settled down .. we got pregnant and were together for almost seven years. I ended up leaving him for many various reasons but he claims that he never got over me cheating on him and that's why we didn't make it
So I hope you have a better time with this but in my opinion its almost impossible to get passed that kind of hurt.
The man I am currently with made a mistake a few months into our relationship and he went back to his ex.. he tried getting her to sleep with him and that was hard for me to deal with.. even though he didn't actually do anything with her the thought was there... but I forgave him and I don't hold it against him.. people make mistakes
I guess all in all you need to figure out whether or not you can forgive and move on.. being suspicious and paranoid isn't good for a relationship...imo

 

Trust is something that has to be rebuilt. Are you guys talking to anyone about this? And just as importantly, are you talking to each other about what happened? Having gone thru something similar, I can tell you, the relationship CAN be salvaged, and it can come out better than it was, but it takes a ton of open communication, even if that means hearing things you or he does not want to hear. In my situation, my husband knows he has lost virtually all of his right to privacy, because in order to be able to rebuild that trust, things pretty much need to be an open book. If that has meant that I wake him up in the middle of the night because I need clarification or reassurance, then that is what has to happen. He loves me, loves his family, and is working so very hard to fix what he screwed up. That includes going to see a counselor, who I can also go with him to if I see the need (which i honestly don't) and answering every question I have of him, without any complaint.
I can honestly say, that now, our relationship is more rock solid than it ever has been. I think he has a greater appreciation of me, as well as a greater understanding of what he almost lost. Total trust, well, that will take time to rebuild. We both know that. BUT, we are BOTH 100% committed to each other and our family and are willing to do the hard work when need be.
IF the 2 of you are on the same page in this, it CAN work. But, it takes TWO people to make a marriage work, and they both have to be equally committed. It really sounds like the 2 of you need to sit down and have a very long, non-heated talk, and figure out exactly what you need to do to work it out. It won't always be easy, and it won't always be pretty, but if you CAN get thru it, the end results can be beautiful. Good luck!!

 

If you are staying together for the kids thats not a good reason to stay together. Talk to him about the trust issues that you have and that you need him to prove to you that he is serious about gaining back your trust.

If you love him and think its worth it for you try to make things work. Just make sure it's want you really want because if it's not it things will never get better.

 

Oh, this is a hard one. Well, at least you know. He told you, right? Most men (not me) will go to their grave not telling their wife. While she has to wonder her whole life did he, by the way he acts or something he said in front of another girl. Not an easy thing to do.
I wish you all the best.

 

I agree with that, it takes 2 to tango, and not just one trakking it all.
And he has to be as an open book, to be open and tell all and be willing to discuss it even several tiems to get it all cleared out. and to be willing to make compromises in order to rebuild the relationship. That kind of fear you have is understandable, he lied once and now you have to make yourself trust him again, that when he says he go there he do so, and it can be difficult because emotions are not soemthing one can just control, but only bottle in.
He really have to be very honnest always, and to communicate more. talking is very healing, it help rebuild.

 

The answer is no. You will never trust him like you did before, its impossible. You can make a relationship work and continue being married and even be happy but you won't trust him in the various situations that come up in life.

 

well, he dind't tell me actually, the one he chated on me with did and when i confonted him about it, he tried to talk himself out of it. He soon shut up when i told him that i had spoken to her

 

i know exactly how you feel. I wish I had some great advice, but I'm currently going through something very very similar. My son is also about 3 months old and my bf also cheated on me when I was 4 months pregnant. The one big difference I guess is that we don't have other kids. I can imagine how much harder that must be.

but i can relate to everything you're saying and I know exactly how it feels. He does the same things... always has his phone on him, and silences it as soon as it rings but never picks it up in front of me... takes the dogs out for a really long time... goes for long drives "to clear his head"....

so I always question where he's going, or who he's with. and everytime his phone rings I wonder if its her. I also didn't find out from him, I found out from some mutual friends, and then when I asked the girl about it she told me what had happened. I was so sick. I was devastated. I can definitly say I'm still not over it. and I've been trying to just bottle it all up because whenever I bring it up to him it makes him all defensive and we end up arguing. I have been wondering the same thing... if it's possible to get over it or not. I guess I agree with the pp, that it is possible to make the relationship work, but it will never be exactly the same. and that makes me really sad. i want to be able to trust him completely again.

so sorry I can't offer much help but I thought I'd post to let you know that you're not alone. I hope it works out for you. I would give it time, It hasn't been long enough to tell if you can really fix it or not. It seems like you're headed in the right direction. Just keep the communication going. Thats the thing I need to work on. It really is t he most important thing. I wish you all the best.

 

It can work, and you can trust him again but only if he lets you. He must understand how you feel and help you get trough it. But if he is acting suspicious all the time and your comunication is not very good and you are not open to each other than there is no way that you will feel safe again in that relationship.
Just talk to each other, it's the best thing you can do.

 

to lucyloo, yes it was hard sometimes with having the other kids b/c i hated them see mr cry, especially my 2 year old son, he would get quite upet aswell but on the other hand, sometimes he would come up to me and aks if i was ok and stroke my hair(that bought a smile to my face) and my daughter (who is 1) would see what he was doing and come up to me, my daughter speaks with her eyes (if that makes sense)? and i'd know what she would have wanted to say if she could.

To everyone, thanks so much for your replies, it has made me think about thins differently and as long as i know it can sometimes work out for the best, i will do everything i can to make this marraige work.

thanks again, Gem

 

Why did the "other woman" tell you? Not many women are in a hurry to say "I slept with your man." That would be something I would have to sort out in my head. Was she in ANY way lead to believe they would have a future? Or, did she just want to hurt you?

The second question is "why did he cheat" because an "oops I screwed up" is a lot different than "you don't understand me sexually" or "you aren't here for me emotionally." While some people are sure to disagree I believe an "oops" is easier to get past than an intentional betrayal.

Can you get past the affair? Yes. Should you? Not for your reasons. Sorry, but that is my personal opinion. No one should try to make a marriage work "for the kids" because ultimately it is the kids that pay for it. If you don't want to be with your husband, then don't. There is nothing harder on kids that growing up in a house full of resentment. You and your husband will shape how your kids perceive relationships. Can both you and your husband move past the affair? Can you stop crying in front of your kids if he has "a late night" at the office? Can he be faithful to you?

In no way am I trying to minimize your pain, but try not to cry in front of your children about this. I say this because when you do they get upset, and because they are upset you end up feeding your anger, resentment, pain, and every other emotion you feel because seeing a child upset is enough to enrage any mother. Yes, you should be mad as hell, and hurt. However, it is easier to heal when outside influences don't fuel the fire (so to speak). Meaning don't vent to all your friends because a "that cheating bastard" makes you feel better in the moment, but it too is fueling the fire.

You know in your heart if you can get past this, and only you can. I got through it with brutal honesty. I asked what I needed to know, and as much as some of the answers hurt, they didn't leave me wondering. The worst part for me was the "what if's and why's" and once I had the answers it was easier to move on. I stayed because my husband (now ex) was usually a loving and kind person and a lot of fun to be around. I left because I got tired of his interfering mother (among other things). My ex is a great dad, and I have always believed that. We just didn't work as a married couple. We have both since remarried and are happy with our spouses. Some things just end up working out for the best, but the road to get there is rough.

I wish you the best. If you need someone to talk to I would be happy to be a sounding board. I have been down this road, and know how vital it is to have someone that understands.

 

Hi, His Eden, thanks for your reply

the woman told me cos i was so suspicious of him not letting his phone out of his sight, so one morning i decided to check it, anyway i spoke to this women, (not so nicely) i asked her what the hell was going on with her and my husband, to cut a long story short she told me they slept together.

As for why he cheated, still don't know that one, he said he didn't know.

I did say i gave him another chance mostly for the kids but i should have said that i still loved him as well, cos can't just turn off my feelings, to be honest, i was having doubts about how i felt about him and when i found out what he done, it made me realise how much i did love him and the thought of losing him made me feel sick.

now i think about it, i was the one that said i would give him another chance and i was the one that said moving to cyprus was a fresh start, so i should be the one to start trying to trust him again, cos we are getting on well now but my suspicous mind keeps getting in the way.
I just hope i am strong enough to get through it.

thank for the option of being able to talk to you, if i need it.

 

Well, yes, you DID say you would give him another chance, but that does not make it any easier to rebuild trust, especially if you do not feel like you can talk to him freely without the situation turning into an argument. HE is the one who broke your trust, so while you have to learn how to trust him again, HE has to exhibit the behavior, patience and uderstanding so that can happen in the first place. It's a hard road, and I feel for you, because I can definitely relate to your situation. Hang in there.

 

it's not a question of can you trust him again it's a question of will he cheat again, and the answer is mre than likely yes. especially if you continue to forgive him.he now already knows if he cheats that you will still keep him around maybe becasue you love him and maybe for the kids sake.but what about his love for you???did you even question that??to me if someone could cheat on you then maybe his love for you isn't there???everyone has the ability to forgive however forgetting is impossible.every time he talks softer on his phone, every time he's a minute late, anytime he smells differently, what will you be thinking???in the end is it worth your sanity and possibly your kids unhappieness.you should be cautious of your own feelings as well as your kids and not worry about his.i wish you all the support in the world..

 

wow, and you aren't even a child.

 

WOW....if only life and love were as black and white as you seem to think it is. It IS possible for someone to make a stupid mistake and STILL love the person they betrayed. AND it IS possible for both parties to learn from the situation and to grow from it, and become stronger in the end, IF that is what they both want. Being cautious is always advisable once you have been hurt, however, being paranoid and letting that govern your entire being is a different thing completely.....

 

Thanks for your reply,
it's really nice i'm getting so much support from you and the others

 

yes, i did give him another chance this time, b/c i do love him, and he said that he does love me. I believe in giving people second chances ( to a certain extent) but he knows if he ever does it again, then i will be gone, there won't be a third chance.
Thanks for your support though

 

Thats what they all say but you weren't self confident enough to even get away for a little bit the last time. It unfortunately is a vicious cycle for most. By the way the sick feeling doesn't go away the second time you find out. Good luck to you though.