More.

Anyways, to once again make clear. I have no proof of this, but I know I must be correct. Someone was trying to keep me in a constant state of panic. And I think it was to support the argument that I was out of control, that I needed to be medicated too. I reached a nice comfortable plateau after the Elavil in 1989. Which is common they told me in Sinai-Grace in 2004. Some psychiatric meds alter your brain chemistry, and you kind of stay that way. Of course I was driven to suicide in 1989, it was no accident. Abused and made to feel like I was boxed in against a wall, by someone. By whom, I don't know. Maybe not who I thought at the time, but someone clearly did. I could have stayed in that state, in that plateau. I wouldn't panic if I was left that way, I was even dealing with the new abuse pretty well, along with the new threat that I was going to face a fate worse than a lifetime of unbearable pain. And I know who said that that time. The people at Oakwood Hospital in Dearborn. As we were playing frisbee in front of the hospital, I recall. I certainly didn't imagine that. I could have stayed that way, I would have had a wonderful quality of life. I wasn't harming anyone, I wasn't a danger to myself or others, I never was. I'm just not that kind of person. And then I was forcibly committed in 1992. For a month, which the lady who used to work for me (and told me she had a degree in psychology, and seemed to be part of this all in some way it was clear) told me was unusually long. Along with all the other unusual and unfair ways I was treated that year. Forcibly put on medicines I never wanted, I never needed, I never agreed to. And that frankly I should have stopped long ago. As I pointed out, as a non-violent outpatient you can. What could they do? How could they stop you? Well, the only thing they'd have to do is keep the damage the medicine was doing secret from you. Because if you stopped taking it, they'd be out of options. It'd hard to take some kind of legal or new coercive action. How would they justify it?

Anyways, to round up what I was saying. Someone was keeping me in panic, possibly to prove a point. And now all these years later I am damaged and all alone. Abandoned and discarded. Treated worse than the worse criminal when I have no criminal record, in a statistically lawless city where many or most people do. Left all alone and denied all access to the legal system, where I have to spend the rest of my limited life sending endless petitions and forms only to be ignored or strung along, when all I want to do is live in peace. People used to tell me I wasn't entitled to that, but I know now that was never true. Damaged and alone, and now knowing that not only do people think so little of me to damage me like this, so little of me to treat me this way, to treat me so unequally all the ways they did, my doctors, the police, Eric, my neighbors and others. But now I've come to the realization no one will help me. In the past couple of years nothing has happened, and I have no reason to believe anything is happening. Happening or being done. No one will tell me the reason why, but I won't blame myself this time like I've said. And on top of that I will never truly know when it is over. Even if someone did I'd have to assume they were lying. Because it's all right to lie like that in Michigan. Lie like that and hurt people like that, all while keeping your actions conveniently hidden from them and the public.