Reality/fantasy

Right!! That would be amazing!

 

I agree: well said! I wonder whether the singular genital focus that the majority of we bisexual guys have is part of some repression and non-acceptance of the gay part of ourselves. We think, I'm not really gay if we're just focussing on each other's cock and assholes. But it's also about that focussing on something like a cock or ass, and exaggerating it's qualities in bringing us the pleasure, and indeed happiness, that we all are looking for. So our craving for that from a cock or asshole becomes virtually uncontrollable. Then we do crazy things, even things that can jeopardize our marriage or health. Of course, the uncontrolled desire we have for the whole guy (or girl), thinking it will bring us that same happiness we seek, is a problem too, but it at least affords us the opportunity to focus on that guy's happiness and pleasure, instead of solely our own, which is the actual source of true happiness. We actually want Union, but our lust and ignorance gets in the way.

 

It is. So many bi men blow-and-go because they are ashamed. They miss the best part of the encounter.

Now the bi men who are not ashamed of their sexuality are a whole different story. Those are the ones who understand that respecting the whole person provides satisfaction and contentment well beyond a compulsively rushed squirt. Even many straight men have a hard time grasping this concept.

 

Understood,
I think some of us want the physical sensation of what a man can bring
Partly it's maybe a turn on or a link and just sex exploring different ways

 

I agree. I certainly have discovered this firsthand myself. Once I stopped the anonymous oral sex in different sex venues--where it is mostly about the cocks around you, barely seeing the guys, or the asses around you, not realizing those butt cheeks and puckered holes have real guys attached to them, with real feelings, desires, and needs, that even go beyond the sexual, that especially go beyond the sexual--and began getting together with real guys in each other's homes for sex, or even friendship, having dinner, or hanging out together, then the enjoyment of the sex became an order of magnitude greater.

But I have quite a ways to go, I believe. I fantasize about having a romantic relationship with a guy, even having a boyfriend or a husband, but I've never felt romantic feelings for any guy yet. Often I think it's just because I haven't met the right guy yet. But I wonder whether the actual, real truth is that I'm still repressing and still have shame of my homosexuality--the gay part of me. I certainly have no problems developing romantic feelings for women relatively easily. I wish that would happen with men. Oh my gosh, how more extraordinary sex would be with another man that I really liked or even loved--someone who's happiness feels more important than my own.

 

Think about the definition of the word Romantic. It seems people use that word a lot, but may not recognize that their working definition might come from heterosexual traditions, or at least from traditions that involve assigning one person to play the "male" role and the other person to play the "female" role.

Some guys use that term to describe their sense of chivalry with women, like sending roses on special occasions or carrying a woman across an obstacle that might dirty her beautiful dress and petticoats. Some extreme "caretaker" type guys might have a definition that involves them protecting what they were taught to regard as the "weaker" sex.

That's why I use the word intimate rather than romantic. Intimate means dropping all defenses and merging with another person, no matter what their gender might be. It does not necessarily involve rigid chivalry roles. It does, however, involve mutual respect.

Blow-and-go types often get very nervous about lingering with a guy they just got off with. They think, "Oh, this is something that I could get ostracized for." That's a very defensive posture, and it definitely cuts off the communication.

 

Yes, I hear what you're saying, I believe there is some truth to that, for many men. For me, when I use the word romantic, I'm meaning falling in love, and of course that means with the whole person, and not just his whole body, as opposed to focussing just on the genitals which a lot of bi guys do. For most of us it is mostly just lust. I know for most people, love in the "in love" way is also kind of a selfish thing, about wanting the feelings that you get in a close partnership kind of relationship. True love is totally selfless, unconditional, and just about wanting to help fulfil the other person's happiness, and not about anything you can get out of it. So true love would be happy if the other person wants to be in a relationship with someone else instead, for them to find happiness in that. You just want the other person to be happy, period. Of course, that is very difficult.

But using the word intimacy instead for me is problematic too, because I do experience and crave (yes, in a selfish kind of way) the intimacy fucking another man gets me, putting my cock deep inside another man's asshole, even with a condom on, and I'm thinking when it eventually can happen, fucking bareback and shooting my essence deep inside another man's bowels, and him shooting his precious semen and sperm deep inside me, and thus us sharing our seed with each other, in what I see as the most intimate sexual act between two men, through intercourse. Of course, sex with someone you have mutual love for is even more intimate. But on the other hand, some people feel that sucking a cock is more intimate than fucking. Many feel that kissing is more intimate than fucking and sucking, so, for example, female prostitutes don't want to kiss. And lots of bi guys don't want to kiss because it seems too gay--like pounding a guy's ass with your cock or having him pound your ass with his cock is not gay!

So for me, when I say I've never had romantic feelings for any guy, I am meaning that I've never "fallen in love" with another man, thinking about some kind of partnership in life together, whether it's as boyfriends or husbands eventually. I've only fallen in love with two women in my life, and thus I've only had two girlfriends, but there are also many women whom I have felt the beginnings of those kinds of feelings. But so far never with a guy, though I fantasize about having that and the greater intimacy making love together would bring with such feelings. Maybe someday.

Of course there is the general expression of being romantic, like in the ways that you described. It could either be in courtship, where you're trying to win the affections of, and impress, the other person, because you want to have a partnership of some kind. But I think those kinds of romantic gestures sometimes can have a more prurient motivation, like just to get into her pants; that's manipulative from the point of view that women are more interested in romantic (my use of the word) relationships than sexual ones, unlike arguably most men, or at least a majority (over 50%) of men, whether straight, bi, or gay.

Anyway, bottom line, each to his own.

 

I've "fallen in love" before with women, but frankly those relationships tended to fall apart when the magic wore off. I really think "romance" is overemphasized in our culture, almost with the expectation that Mr. or Mrs. Right will somehow make everything better in life. That's a lot of unrealistic pressure.

These days, my relationships are built on mutual respect and intimacy. So, with my girlfriend, we spend a lot of time being affectionate or making love, but there are no big emotional swings either upward or downward. I like that stability, especially in the context of intimacy. It took me a long time to recognize that I need and like to give lots of affection.

My best experiences with men are similar. I have not had a mystical "falling in love" experience with a man, but I definitely have met men who were very considerate and affectionate. In those situations, both of us truly enjoyed pleasing each other and engaging in meaningful conversation, both verbal and non-verbal.

Probably nothing pleases me more than being entwined in the embrace of a lover, no matter what their gender might be.

 

Beautifully said! Thank you. I so agree, we keep looking outside of ourselves for the source of our happiness, whether it is in a sexual or more loving relationship with another person, a better job, a better house, a piece of chocolate cake. But our happiness is really about inner peace, which comes only from wishing others to be happy. I, like you, very much enjoy giving affection to someone else. If I took my own selfish needs out of the equation, I think I'd truly feel content--loving her, loving him, loving others, making their happiness and freedom from suffering more important than mine.

 

I think a good relationship is one where neither person's needs are regarded as more important than those of the other person. The beauty of merging with another is the recognition that you are both in the same boat with the same basic needs, and neither person is the savior or the martyr.

No relationship is perfect, but a good one keeps returning to the recognition that we need and appreciate each other. I think a good relationship should feel good at least 80% of the time. It can survive the rough patches, because both parties understand that no one is perfect, and that we have the same basic needs.

 

Me and wife shared a beautiful tall shemale. Was very amazing