Open relationships?

I did a Google search and was able to come up with the following:

Blumstein, P. & Schwartz, P. (1983). American Couples: Money, Work, Sex. New York. Publisher: William Morrow.
Extensive research study that examined the relationships of lesbian, gay men, and heterosexual couples. Expectations for the couples, day-to-day living arrangements, and values of the couples are examples of some of the study questions.

Apparently, the book is out of print. I'm not surprised -- It was highly controversial when it was published, for the findings on gay male couples came out just as the AIDS epidemic exploded onto the public consciousness. I'll keep digging.

-- Skeeter

 

It depends on the context, but open relationships can be very reasonable. As long as both people involved have a mutual consent as to what is and is not appropiate, everything should be fine. It just takes a hell of a lot of communication and even more patience and understanding. You may even find that you have deeper feelings for your partner than you had previously been aware of by realizing just how little other people seem to interest you the way your partner does.

It is inevitable that you'll encounter someone of whom you fancy other than your partner and knowing what is and is not okay in your relationship with them makes everything that much more managable in those types of situations.

I cannot comprehend why anyone would want to end a meaningful relationship because of something as basic and primal as lust. It just seems nonsensical to me. I suppose some people just have difficulty dividing superficial attraction with profound adoration. I think cheating only truly occurs when there are feelings involved and the other person is oblivious to the details.

In any case, best of luck with everything!

 

Whenever a psychologist, or any scientific researcher for that matter, completes a study, they are obliged/expected to present their findings, along with a report on how the study was carried out etc., to the appropriate community. Hence it should appear in a journal, or at least be referred to by another researcher with a link to it. I'm not looking for a book but this report.

 

I'm afraid I can't help you there.

-- Skeeter

 

Then no offense but I'm not going to believe that study for a second- it will have been totally discredited. Especially considering they wrote a book instead of a report. Its just senstationalised literature, not a scientific study.

 

It's your perogative to reject the authors' findings on gay men's relationships, but it is not for you to say that "American Couples: Money, Work, Sex" is totally discredited, as 1) you have no evidence to prove it and 2) you're not male and therefore cannot possibly know first-hand the experiences of gay and bi men unless you conduct a study of your own.

On the other hand, as an openly bi man who has 30-plus years of personal experience in interacting with gay men, I can say without fear of contradiction that the findings are dead-on accurate.

Which is why I said in an earlier posting that I could write my own book on this subject. The one difference is that my book would be a personal memoir.

-- Skeeter

 

Yes open relationships can be reasonable, if both partners enter in it knowing all their options and the risks involved

But what you mean by not understanding why anyone would want to end a meaningful relationship because of lust? Do you the only meaningful part of the relationship are the "feelings" involved? Who decides that and why?

If lust is so primal and besides the point, why can't it be contained - or let me rephrase it : why do defenders of open relationship purposedly nourish that lust by gaining new partners all the time?

It doesn't seem that meaningless anymore, described this way

I just think people are not very honest when it comes to the importance they give to sex in their lives. It's only the body, yet that body seems to need a constant new burn. Let's try the same with feelings, and see if it sits well with anyone "it's only my feelings, I'll fall in love with them but you know I'll return to you".

 

They can work ..,we have an open relationship, we are married with 2 very young kids. We know we are committed but supporting each others needs and desires are key …it’s been working number of years…we are in our early 30s and we have been open since our mid twenties…

 

I have an active bi/gay life…there are few I have intimate relationships..,I openly let them know that I’m seeing others. As my priority is to experience many mm opportunities as possible.

 

I have an open relationship with my wife. She knows I'm bisexual and is okay with it as long as I'm careful. We still have sex and it's still enjoyable for us. I only have one male friend that I have sex with. She has told me that my having sex with a man is fine but I had better never have sex with another woman.

 

I've always been against open relationships--having one, or participating in one. I just always thought that no matter what, there is some jealousy, and therefore suffering. And I'm all against causing suffering. I've only had one long-term relationship since starting to live my bisexuality 30 years ago, and it was with a woman, and only for 3 years, and which I ended just before the pandemic hit. I never cheated on her with an actual man throughout the 3 years we were together on again off again (and certainly not with a woman), but I did engage in watching and posting and writing about gay porn, fantasies and experiences during the many breaks she initiated (while she was fucking other guys on our breaks). But as that relationship was FINALLY coming to a permanent end, all I could think about was getting back to having sex with guys (I stopped even being able to cum while fucking her without imagining it was a guy that I was fucking). I realized, given my moral stand against open relationships, that I could never again have a long-term relationship with a woman, simply because I can't go without having regular sex with guys, and I would never cheat on anyone.

But guys in this forum have convinced me that maybe I could at least have sex with guys who are in open relationships, at least under certain circumstances. So that's exactly what happened just this past July 1, when I had a threesome with a gay married couple who are close friends of mine, and who have been begging me to have sex with them. I do anticipate more sex with them, and perhaps other gay men in open relationships, especially because the huge gay social group I'm part of has very few single guys, and mostly guys married to each other and practising open relationships, which is very common I've come to learn among gay men.

However, whether I'd ever get into an open relationship with a woman has become moot for me, because since breaking up with my girlfriend 5 years ago, I have had no desire to ever have sex with a woman again, let alone have a romantic relationship with one. Even if I did have that desire still, what are the chances that I would find a woman who would not only accept the fact that I've had sex with hundreds of guys in my life (and only 3 women) (though this past girlfriend did accept my gay history when I felt compelled to tell her about it before we actually had sex--another aspect of my morality I guess)--so, to find a woman who would not only accept my vast gay history--but would be open to my continuing to have sex with men while we were together? Not very likely.

So I've kind of accepted the reality of gay men having open relationships, and therefore having sex with guys in such open relationships, and perhaps one day even being in my own open relationship with a guy. It's all part of my fully accepting my homosexuality and more and more living as a gay man. Heck, I love being gay, and I'm very proud of my homosexuality. If and when I finally fall in love with another man and we become boyfriends, I will then even come out of the closet to my many close relatives and friends (while it's just been sex with guys, I've only come out to a handful of close friends).

 

Thank you for be receptive and acknowledging the opportunity that worth try it …

My wife and I , we actually got into open relationship hotwife relationship to cuckold now I have never imagined that I will be in an open gay relationship.
Past few years I have been used to servicing wife lovers and my hooks up …nothing further.
Now that I have met a man that deeply in love with me and I am also I love for what he has to offer in looks, sex and personality…at the same time I want ready be committed….,I want to explore more ….,i expressed this to him, he agreed to have an open gay relationship…oniy few conditions…I sleep with him minimum one a week, have safe sex and I keep him as priority in all communication and possibly as many threesome as possible ….

 

there is nothing wrong with you, jus need time and things may change …
Never imagined I will be in gay relationship in my life …
My lover appreciated my honesty and openness of transparency….eliminating the jealousy part

 

yes we neeed to come out of our past baggage and be open to communicate and to express your desires and needs for the benefit for you and health of the relationship….,

it’s easy for me to say but …express to him that the relationship will be stronger and health benefits of having sex frequently…

 

Most of me has zero empathy at all for women who just chose to stop having sex with their partners. The arguments I have had against what seems to be a sociopathic lack of giving one damn about what this does to me, mentally, physically?! And it's not just no sex, but no touch of any kind! I literally could not believe the callousness of those conversations! That is what has turned off my empathy for women like that! Now if a guy is getting affection and sex from his wife, and then goes out in secret, I'm not as accepting with that, unless he tried talking to her first.
I never said in my marriage vows to be faithful to a stone cold woman who won't even touch.
me? I tried twice to have an open relationship to "save" a platonic marriage of roommates in separate bedrooms. The second time she said she'd rather just divorce & I fucked up by asking her right then if she wanted a divorce instead of telling her we were getting one! I got conned into delaying. Here I am 2 years later in the same boat, only lost two years of my life I could've spent meeting someone who would touch me, kiss me, fuck me? I don't have kids with her, nor any at home. It's the mindfuck games she had played on my self esteem & confidence makes me think no other woman will want me, which I know is not true, far from it.

To those of you stuck in a situation like this that just started, see a sex therapist immediately. Else it is likely never goingvto get better

 

I can approach the jealousy you're experiencing in your relationship with this younger man in a couple of ways. First of all, I'm a big believer in karma, which is the law of cause-and-effect. Every action that we make, whether physical, verbal or mental, stores an effect in our mind like a seed that will ripen sometime in the future when the right conditions come together; just like a plant seed will ripen when just the right conditions of sunlight/heat, water/moisture and soil nutrients come together. So my guess is that there is a relationship between (i) your having had sex with plenty of married men who you're sure did not have an agreement with their partners to be open, PLUS how it never bothered you to enjoy sex with them under these conditions, not even developing any regret, and (ii) your now feeling jealousy when your gay partner flirts with other guys. I'm not saying at all that you deserve these feelings of jealousy because of your past actions. I'm just saying that that is how the law of cause-and-effect with our actions works, just like how the law of cause and effect works in the physical world in general (e.g. Newton's laws of motion), how the law of gravity works, etc.--all just being laws of the universe that are undeniable and inescapable.

Secondly, jealousy is actually quite a stupid and contradicting emotion. First, if you love a person, truly love them, then you wish for them to be happy, or experience pleasure. So their experiencing pleasure through flirtation, garnering the affections of another, having sex with another, feeling love for another and another feeling love for them--all things that make them happy--should actually make you happy for them, precisely because you love them, and love is wishing another person to be happy. So the mind of jealousy--feeling pain instead of joy in their happiness--is a total contradiction to your supposed love. We all do that. Our love seems to be more conditional: I want them to be happy as long as it also makes me happy, or even worse, I want them to make me happy, period.

The opposite of jealousy is rejoicing in another person's happiness or good fortune. It's a feeling of being pleased in their happiness, wherever it comes from (unless it's coming out of massive delusion like a serial killer's "happiness" in killing their victims). I'm not saying it's easy to stop jealousy and rejoice in someone else's happiness instead. It's wicked hard, because we are so familiar with our selfishness. But the more we try, the better we'll be at it, and the less pain we will feel when they're getting happiness from others. I'm just putting this idea out there for you to think about and perhaps help ease your suffering.

As for his not wanting to have sex as much as you do, the fact that you're already seeing that and it's starting to become an issue for you so early in the relationship gives me concern, especially your recognizing it as a similar precursor to the end of your marriage. At the very least you need to have a serious conversation about this with him, and be totally honest with him. I don't really have an easy solution for you, because you can't help your own desires for more sex, and he can't really force himself to have more sex with you even though he doesn't like it and still maintain a healthy relationship together with you. There's definitely some incompatibility there, that's for sure.

I've only had two long-term (serious) relationships, and both were with women. First was with a woman my age from when we were 27-32 (so we were both young) and we rarely had sex--25 times in total over a combined four years together (I kept track)--basically because she hated sex, even though I thought I was a good and generous lover, one who enjoyed cunnilingus (and trying to give her orgasms), but which she thought was "icky", as was fellatio to her, which she also hated to do and therefore almost never did. Suffice it to say that I was definitely not happy with our sex life, and it probably in the end would've destroyed us, if she didn't do that by breaking up with me 3 times and then begging me to return each time, until I felt I no longer could trust her and permanently ended our relationship. It was after breakup #3 when I started having gay desires and fantasies.

And my second relationship was with a woman eight years younger than me, from when I was 54-57 (btw, in between girlfriend#1 and girlfriend#2 was a prostitute once, and these three women were the only women I ever had sex with in my life). Our sex life was quite good (still not as often as I would have liked, but countless in comparison to girlfriend#1), with her loving sex very much, loving fellatio and cunnilingus very much, and even anal sex, and enjoying the multiple orgasms I gave her every single time we made love. So I was quite lucky with her in that department. But she broke up with me many many times during our 3 year relationship, but again always begging to come back to me. During our together times I never had gay thoughts, but during our breakups I watched gay porn and posted to gay forums (but no actual hookups with guys), while she dated and fucked other guys. But during our last four months together, when she just wanted to be friends with benefits so she could date other guys, which she did, I became unable to cum while fucking her without imagining it was a guy that I was fucking. So I ended that relationship as well, and came out to myself as gay, and have been living as a caveman ever since, those still hoping for my first friendship with benefits with a guy, let alone serious relationship.

So with girlfriend#1 it was infrequent and lousy sex that I can see now would have become an issue had we stayed together longer. And with girlfriend#2 it was, ironically, my jealousy with her seeing other guys, and my growing homosexuality. Maybe you both agreeing to an open gay relationship, and working on your jealousy issues, is the way to go. But in the end I really don't know what to say about your sex life, except that LIFE SUCKS. Fuck!

 

"To our wives and sweethearts...
May they never meet."
Captain Jack Aubrey