Open relationships?

I did a Google search and was able to come up with the following:

Blumstein, P. & Schwartz, P. (1983). American Couples: Money, Work, Sex. New York. Publisher: William Morrow.
Extensive research study that examined the relationships of lesbian, gay men, and heterosexual couples. Expectations for the couples, day-to-day living arrangements, and values of the couples are examples of some of the study questions.

Apparently, the book is out of print. I'm not surprised -- It was highly controversial when it was published, for the findings on gay male couples came out just as the AIDS epidemic exploded onto the public consciousness. I'll keep digging.

-- Skeeter

 

It depends on the context, but open relationships can be very reasonable. As long as both people involved have a mutual consent as to what is and is not appropiate, everything should be fine. It just takes a hell of a lot of communication and even more patience and understanding. You may even find that you have deeper feelings for your partner than you had previously been aware of by realizing just how little other people seem to interest you the way your partner does.

It is inevitable that you'll encounter someone of whom you fancy other than your partner and knowing what is and is not okay in your relationship with them makes everything that much more managable in those types of situations.

I cannot comprehend why anyone would want to end a meaningful relationship because of something as basic and primal as lust. It just seems nonsensical to me. I suppose some people just have difficulty dividing superficial attraction with profound adoration. I think cheating only truly occurs when there are feelings involved and the other person is oblivious to the details.

In any case, best of luck with everything!

 

Whenever a psychologist, or any scientific researcher for that matter, completes a study, they are obliged/expected to present their findings, along with a report on how the study was carried out etc., to the appropriate community. Hence it should appear in a journal, or at least be referred to by another researcher with a link to it. I'm not looking for a book but this report.

 

I'm afraid I can't help you there.

-- Skeeter

 

Then no offense but I'm not going to believe that study for a second- it will have been totally discredited. Especially considering they wrote a book instead of a report. Its just senstationalised literature, not a scientific study.

 

It's your perogative to reject the authors' findings on gay men's relationships, but it is not for you to say that "American Couples: Money, Work, Sex" is totally discredited, as 1) you have no evidence to prove it and 2) you're not male and therefore cannot possibly know first-hand the experiences of gay and bi men unless you conduct a study of your own.

On the other hand, as an openly bi man who has 30-plus years of personal experience in interacting with gay men, I can say without fear of contradiction that the findings are dead-on accurate.

Which is why I said in an earlier posting that I could write my own book on this subject. The one difference is that my book would be a personal memoir.

-- Skeeter

 

Yes open relationships can be reasonable, if both partners enter in it knowing all their options and the risks involved

But what you mean by not understanding why anyone would want to end a meaningful relationship because of lust? Do you the only meaningful part of the relationship are the "feelings" involved? Who decides that and why?

If lust is so primal and besides the point, why can't it be contained - or let me rephrase it : why do defenders of open relationship purposedly nourish that lust by gaining new partners all the time?

It doesn't seem that meaningless anymore, described this way

I just think people are not very honest when it comes to the importance they give to sex in their lives. It's only the body, yet that body seems to need a constant new burn. Let's try the same with feelings, and see if it sits well with anyone "it's only my feelings, I'll fall in love with them but you know I'll return to you".

 

They can work ..,we have an open relationship, we are married with 2 very young kids. We know we are committed but supporting each others needs and desires are key …it’s been working number of years…we are in our early 30s and we have been open since our mid twenties…

 

I have an active bi/gay life…there are few I have intimate relationships..,I openly let them know that I’m seeing others. As my priority is to experience many mm opportunities as possible.

 

I have an open relationship with my wife. She knows I'm bisexual and is okay with it as long as I'm careful. We still have sex and it's still enjoyable for us. I only have one male friend that I have sex with. She has told me that my having sex with a man is fine but I had better never have sex with another woman.

 

I've always been against open relationships--having one, or participating in one. I just always thought that no matter what, there is some jealousy, and therefore suffering. And I'm all against causing suffering. I've only had one long-term relationship since starting to live my bisexuality 30 years ago, and it was with a woman, and only for 3 years, and which I ended just before the pandemic hit. I never cheated on her with an actual man throughout the 3 years we were together on again off again (and certainly not with a woman), but I did engage in watching and posting and writing about gay porn, fantasies and experiences during the many breaks she initiated (while she was fucking other guys on our breaks). But as that relationship was FINALLY coming to a permanent end, all I could think about was getting back to having sex with guys (I stopped even being able to cum while fucking her without imagining it was a guy that I was fucking). I realized, given my moral stand against open relationships, that I could never again have a long-term relationship with a woman, simply because I can't go without having regular sex with guys, and I would never cheat on anyone.

But guys in this forum have convinced me that maybe I could at least have sex with guys who are in open relationships, at least under certain circumstances. So that's exactly what happened just this past July 1, when I had a threesome with a gay married couple who are close friends of mine, and who have been begging me to have sex with them. I do anticipate more sex with them, and perhaps other gay men in open relationships, especially because the huge gay social group I'm part of has very few single guys, and mostly guys married to each other and practising open relationships, which is very common I've come to learn among gay men.

However, whether I'd ever get into an open relationship with a woman has become moot for me, because since breaking up with my girlfriend 5 years ago, I have had no desire to ever have sex with a woman again, let alone have a romantic relationship with one. Even if I did have that desire still, what are the chances that I would find a woman who would not only accept the fact that I've had sex with hundreds of guys in my life (and only 3 women) (though this past girlfriend did accept my gay history when I felt compelled to tell her about it before we actually had sex--another aspect of my morality I guess)--so, to find a woman who would not only accept my vast gay history--but would be open to my continuing to have sex with men while we were together? Not very likely.

So I've kind of accepted the reality of gay men having open relationships, and therefore having sex with guys in such open relationships, and perhaps one day even being in my own open relationship with a guy. It's all part of my fully accepting my homosexuality and more and more living as a gay man. Heck, I love being gay, and I'm very proud of my homosexuality. If and when I finally fall in love with another man and we become boyfriends, I will then even come out of the closet to my many close relatives and friends (while it's just been sex with guys, I've only come out to a handful of close friends).