Concept of Virginity

A few years ago I was researching masturbation as it's a subject I've had a lifelong interest in (well since I was around 12 anyway ).

I came across some information about African mothers in the past, and how they would deliberately break their daughter's hymen while they were babies, and then finger them on a regular basis in order to stretch the girl's vagina, so that when she was older and had sex for the first time with a boy, it wouldn't hurt either her or the boy. The concept of virginity had no value whatsoever to these people, so instead they did what they did for practical reasons. The mothers would also keep stretching the girls inner labia, so that when the girl had sex, she could wrap her labia around her lover's shaft as he was fucking her.

Also, these same African mothers would pull the foreskin back on their baby sons and also suck them off to orgasm on a regular basis to make sure they could get an erection and an orgasm.

This meant both the boys and the girls grew up ready for sex, and no-one suffered any pain when they first had a sexual encounter.


I personally think there's some merit in these practices, and wish that we weren't so hung up about sexual things, but of course the way our society has developed, the nuclear family has needed to include a steady loving relationship between the father and mother of the children in order to spare the state from having to support them. In tribal Africa, that wasn't the case. Instead, girls grew up and started having babies, while the boys grew up and went out hunting or herding with the men. There was an extended family relationship to the tribe, and whatever the men brought back to the village, everyone shared in, so this miniature version of the state did support everyone within it.

 

Well, I vividly remember my first time , though it was64 years ago. I have no recollection of my second time. So, yea, its real thing to me

 

As a man, and especially one who lost his initial virginity relatively so late in my youth, virginity, in all it's different aspects for me, has been a big deal. And as a guy moving from heterosexuality, through bisexuality, to homosexuality, I feel I have multiple virginities.

After girls and women continually rejected me, even going on a first date with me, I finally had sex with a woman for the first time at 27, losing my initial virginity with her. It was a very big deal for me, and I of course enjoyed it very much, finally touching a woman's body for the first time, kissing a woman for the first time, making love to a woman for the first time, first orally and then in intercourse.

After she broke up with me for the third time after three years together, breaking my heart, my gay desires started and for the next 21 years I had oral sex with hundreds of guys. But throughout it all I still had lots of internalized homophobic confusion. But then in 2013 at the age of 51, I lost my gay virginity with a man, when I had anal intercourse with a guy, as a top, for the very first time. It was the greatest sexual experience of my life, and changed everything for me. Losing my MM virginity instantly caused me to accept the gay side of myself, and to actually love it and be very proud of it. There was just something about having my cock in another man's ass that made me feel so close to him, and it felt so natural and so right, much more than intercourse with my girlfriend had. It wasn't my first virginity to lose, but it was definitely the most significant. My cock felt so at home inside the male asshole.

A few years later I had one more sexual, and romantic, relationship with the final woman, again for three years, with her breaking up with me many times. She even loved to fuck me in the ass with her strap-on dildo, because of the power feelings it gave her. But I didn't consider this as any kind of loss of my asshole virginity. In fact, whenever she was fucking my ass, all I could think of is how much I wished it was a real man fucking me with his real cock. Of course, I also loved fucking her ass, especially because it could be bareback and I could cum inside her (vaginal intercourse was always with a condom because she wasn't on the pill). But it was nothing like fucking a guy, nowhere close.

Now, at 63, living as a gay man, and loving all anal play with guys as a top, I can't wait to finally lose my final virginity, giving my ass to another man, to finally have another man penetrate my asshole with his cock, and to give me his seed. Again, I consider this a virginity to lose, and I feel it to be very important for me. I've changed my online profiles to indicate I'm looking for a special man to give this virginity to, to finally have another man deep inside me.

 

I don't think there is such a thing as best first time. Or perhaps not even a better first time. Only a different one. And not because of anything inherent to losing one's virginity so much as the inherent quality of the first of anything. It's impossible to do anything right the first time it's done.

I realize this is getting very theoretical and cerebral and incredibly unsexy. But stay with me. Let's say you craft a table for the first time in your life. Once you're done, you notice issues with the table that you could have avoided by making the legs before you made the top surface. Or that the support bars between the legs should be lower.

So, you get in a time machine and go back before you made the table and you make it again retaining the knowledge of your mistakes. Once you've made the table without that first set of flaws, you're no longer distracted by the issues they'd created and can now see a whole other set of things you could have done better.

You just get stuck in a loop, wherein each flaw you iron out permits you to focus on others. It's the same with sex. You can't perfect losing your virginity because you'll never know what you'd truly prefer without permitting yourself to experience what you don't.

To put it into less theoretical terms, the reason young people are in such a rush to lose their virginity is not because they want to be in the moment of having sex that first time. What they want is to have already done it. Think back to when you were a teenager and all you thought about was how much longer it would take until it happened and hating the fact that you were still a virgin. How embarrassed you were because you hadn't done it yet. The feeling you were behind all your friends who already had.

Really place yourself in that mindset. If you're being totally honest with yourself, was your obsession based in how amazing you thought having sex was going to be that first time. Or was it just so you could say, or more accurately, brag -- to yourself as much as to anyone else -- that you'd done it and weren't a virgin anymore? Get what I'm saying? There's no way to enjoy sex until you know what aspects of it you enjoy. And you have to get it out of the way before you can even begin to pay enough attention to the actual experience as it's happening to take inventory of those preferences and distastes.

I didn't get good enough at sex to truly enjoy it until I was 30 years old. But I knew it when it happened because the first time I had genuinely good sex, I immediately realized the handful of times I'd thought I'd had great sex up until that point, were anything but. If 42 year old me went back in time and tried to teach 19 year old me everything I'd figured out in my 30s that's led me to the quality of sex I'm having now, it'd be meaningless. Words on paper. Because 19 year old me could follow my instructions to a T. But without knowing what feelings those moves are supposed to inspire and the confidence that I can make them work, all I'd have done is give the younger version of me a definitive list of things to know I fucked up. What a goddamn disaster that would be!

TLDR: There's no way to learn a lesson without experiencing the dilemma it solves. Thank you for attending my master class in critical sex theory. I hope you didn't take out any student loans for it.

 

To get even more theoretical about it, not only do we not revere the act of losing our virginity so much as the circumstance of having lost it, but there's no other way to lose one's virginity than by having sex for the first time. Improving something does not redefine it. In the simplest terms, just think of the phrase "bad sex." Bad is a description of the sex you had. It's no less sex than "good sex."

We're still defining the act by its purpose and the mechanics of how it is performed. When you have a subsequent sexual experience that opens up doors to a whole other type of satisfaction than what you'd known before. All you've done is shifted your reverence from the concept of performing the act to its quality. The baseline mechanics and intentions that define the act, remain the same.

 

Social conditioning has mindfucked all of us about virginity, its supposed purpose and how it's both mandated and revered for females and, from there, the notions of good and bad sex come into play and bad sex is to be defined as any sex that didn't happen the way you wanted to or did not give the results that are expected - and there is an expectation and one you get introduced to when you have sex with a girl for the first time. There's always been a social fairy tale around sex; males are told one version, females another but thanks to some rather prudish mindsets, we do not teach the young how to have sex: We're good at telling them not to do it until they're old enough and without even defining what "old enough" means.

I don't know a guy or gal whose first time doing the nasty was all that it was said to be. Girls get pressured to (a) give up the booty to us and (b) don't give up the booty to us unless certain conditions are met and/or exceeded; guys wind up suffering from performance pressure almost right out of the gate when they fail to please the girl he first had sex with - and that serves to disillusion girls about having sex. Yes, this shit gets horribly messy and we have religion and our social norms that are based upon religion to blame for the many sexual clusterfucks almost everyone experiences.

If 70-year-old me were to go back in time to teach my younger self the things I've learned, he'd look at me, roll his eyes and say, "Yeah, I know already and that's pretty messed up!" Hah, by the time a lot of guys I knew were just getting around to that first sexual experience with a girl at the ripe old age of 16, I was already ahead of the curve by a whole seven years - and seven years of trial and error, successes and failures, and all in the pursuit of being able to have sex, being able to enjoy having sex, and coping with the performance pressures to do my level best to make sure my partner enjoys it, too.

That's almost about the time when, um, some of us find out that boys are easier to have sex with than girls are. I would, one day later in life, see that my bisexuality changed a lot of things about me including what "having sex" meant and, yes, running into both guys and gals who chose to remain chaste and virgin while waiting for that someone they'd truly love and eventually marry. Those folks... got the shit hazed out of them which I felt was very likely more traumatizing than having sex for the first time and having to fumble your way through it because, again, we are not taught how to have sex - and some parents fill our impressionable minds with sexual bullshit that colors our perceptions and expectations to the point where that first time... is best left unremembered.

So. You are no longer a virgin once you have intercourse; oral sex and masturbation were not considered to sex since no intercourse has taken place. Among some of us who are great fans of M2M sex, I'd heard it said that if you were a guy and you hadn't been fucked in the ass yet, then you were still a virgin and no matter how many dicks you've been sucking and, yep, getting da bizness from (a) the guys who'd love to deflower your backside and (b) the guys who have already been fucked and whether they liked that first time or not. Yes, this shit continues to get and be horribly messy because we all get left to our own devices when it comes to losing our virginity and even today, chaste virginity is still prized over being able to have mind-blowing sex with someone for the first or fiftieth time in your life.

I still very much remember the last virgin girl whose cherry I popped. She had this preconceived notion about what sex was supposed to be like and talking to her about getting in those panties revealed that, um, shit, maybe I should leave her alone because what she thought sex was supposed to be like what I knew I was going to try to do with her were two very different things. When the "special day" came - and months after I first asked if we could have sex - we necked and she did well with that; shy about getting naked with me watching her but she slid in between the sheets and I started having sex with her. I ate her pussy - and, surprisingly, the one thing she had said that had to be done and, also, the reason why she picked me over other guys. I lost count of the number of orgasms she had and now, it was time to enter her and... you would have thought that I was trying to kill her when I broke through her hymen. She wanted to stop at that point, so I stopped - but then she wanted me to finish and, whew, it was insane with her going from writhing with orgasmic desire and screaming like she was being murdered.

She said, after the fact, that she wished she had lost her viriginity way before she gave it to me...

 

It's always seemed to me that none of us is born a concert pianist. Likewise with sex. It's something that has to be practiced time and time again in order for us to get better at it. So masturbation is crucial for giving us the chance to learn about our own bodies, before we attempt to join them to another body for mutual enjoyment.

If we happen to get the opportunity to lose our 'virginity' before we're fully ready for the experience, then it can cause all kinds of mental problems over performance, but if we've been ready for some time before the opportunity arises then the chances are we'll manage a better performance and without all the drama. Such was the case with me in my teenage years.

I was kind of lucky in an unlucky sort of way. I was 19 when I finally had full prenetrative sex with a girl. It was at a party, and she had been fucking one of the other blokes there. She came into the main party room to ask if anyone had a condom, as she'd had something of a discharge while with the other bloke, and was worried about any unpleasant odours, etc.

I happened to have a condom in my wallet that had been there for around 6 months or so, just in case an opportune moment should arise, so I offered it to her for the bloke to use. She asked me why the packet looked a bit dog eared and I explained that I kept it just in case I should ever be lucky enough to lose my cherry. When she heard that she said, "I'm not having that, you're coming with me!" and dragged me off into the bedroom where she opened her legs and insisted that I fuck her. So I did, and it was very enjoyable too. She even asked if it was really my first time, as I seemed to be well practiced at the moves. I think I told her that at home I'd put on a condom and fuck the pillow in order to learn how to move, and she was fine with that.

As it was my actual first time inside a real human being, I found I was so excited that I had the hardest erection I think I'd ever had. In fact I was so hard that I literally couldn't come. So after a while I gave up and we stopped. Shame, she was a nice girl, with long black thick curly hair, big tits and aereolas and her name was Virginia!

So that was how come I lost my V card. After the party I never saw her again, which was a shame, because she was an interesting person to know, and I'd have liked to get to know her better.

 

I agree with you that you're not going to perform as well the first time you have sex and lose your virginity. I'm sure the first time I was with a woman, at 27, I didn't give her the pleasure she deserved. Heck, I probably never gave her the level of pleasure in the 25 times we had sex in our on-again-off-again 5 years together (she hated sex because of some major issues in childhood), that I learned to give with girlfriend #2 more than 25 years later. Maybe things would've been different for her and she would have come to enjoy sex, had I brought my 55-year-old skills back in time to our bed.

I would disagree, or at least with respect to myself in my youth. Whenever I was thinking of the future, and about having sex with a girl and then later with a woman, I was never thinking in terms of losing my virginity. Instead, it was all about fulfilling my desires to be intimate with some particular girl or woman that I had desire for, to being naked with her, to making love with her. It was only in hindsight in my later teenage years, looking backwards in time, and seeing all my failures and rejections by girls, where I would even think about how old I was and still had my virginity, compared with how I perceived other boys, whom I assumed had all lost their virginity long ago. Even when I finally lost my virginity, with a woman when I was 27, I was never thinking before the fact about how I wanted to lose my virginity, or was losing my virginity while we were having sex. It was just all about having sex with her. It was just the next day when I finally realized I finally had lost my virginity. I still didn't feel normal, because I was so old at 27, and because I had so many rejections by girls and women up to then. But I enjoyed the sex we had, and the intimacy we began sharing over the next days, weeks and years, though very turbulent years. And a little bit, "I'm no longer a virgin."

Maybe it was different for other guys back then with the whole virginity thing. But this was how it was for me. And maybe it's different for all boys nowadays, when our culture has changed so much.

Similarly, I was never thinking about losing my virginity with a man before it finally happened at 51, or thinking I'm losing my virginity while I was fucking his ass. I was just so overcome with uncontrollable desire before and during that all I could think about was devouring his ass in every way. It was only afterwards, when I was thinking about how amazing it was, and how much I loved it, and how proud I was finally about my bisexuality and accepting the gay side of myself, where I thought I finally lost my gay virginity, hooray!

 

We've always prized virginity. Females are told to guard it and only allow the man they're going to marry to take it. Males are taught to chase virgins and deflower them. Why? Fuck if I really know but I know what I've heard what other guys have been told. My father warned me about girls who weren't virgins... and I have no idea why. If you were a guy and you hadn't had sex yet, wow, you'd better have a thick, tough hide because you were gonna get da bizness and teased unmercifully until you could prove that, yes, you've had sex - and if you had it with a boy, well, that counted but losing your cherry to a girl was better.