Accepting partner's past

It doesnt make me feel bad. My stats suck but i am honored to be followed around. Ha.

 

Maybe you should put more focus on the positive aspects of this relationship. This guy trusts you enough to tell you something about his past of which he is not particularly proud. That is pretty big. Would you prefer that he did not tell you about this? If he is able to overcome so much, why is it that you cannot get past this? Maybe you need to look into why you need to be so judgemental. It sounds like he is doing just fine.

 

No, look: I wrote this a couple days ago and by now I think I'm about 90% in the process of accepting it.

Try to put yourself in my shoes: you meet a person and you're crazy about him/her. You notice all the good things, how much this person is amazing, how much he/she cares about you, etc. Then this person tells you he/she did heavy drugs in the past and spent some time in jail. I reckon it's quite normal to be shocked, especially if you're far from that kind of experience. And maybe, if I just smiled and said "ok, fine" that would make me a bit superficial.

It was a shock, now I'm dealing with it. It just takes a while and some focus.

And it's not being judgmental (which I can be, not denying it), it's just trying hard to understand things you've never had.

 

By the way, yes, I'm really happy he told me. I'd rather know the truth, always, but it's not always flowers and kittens.

 

If he did heroin for a couple of years, then you have every right to be hesitant. It's pretty much a given that anyone who does hard stuff for that amount of time is a full-fledged addict and, as with alcoholics, once an addict, always an addict. A person can be clean for 25, 40, 50 years ... they are still an addict and they are still susceptible.

However, the fact that he has been clean for quite a while now is very good news. Every day that he stays clean means it's that much less likely that he'll backslide, but you should be aware that the probability will never be zero.

Yes, the past is the past, but a person shouldn't be given a free pass on it unless you're confident that he has truly changed his ways. If he hasn't, then sooner or later he'll go back to his old habits. However, it sounds like he has changed his ways, which is wonderful.

That's the real issue here ... whether or not you are confident that he's truly finished with drugs. When people can't let go of the past, most of the time it's because they're afraid the behavior will be repeated. If that's your fear, then you've got a tough road ahead.

And just to play devil's advocate for the moment, if he does backslide and go back to heroin, your life will be a living hell, just like his will be. On the other hand, if he stays clean for the rest of his life, then he will be in a position to help innumerable others who are in the same boat that he once was.

So the question you have to ask yourself is ... do you feel in your heart that he has truly learned new, more appropriate strategies for coping with life, instead of self-medicating, and that he's clean for good? It's not enough that he "promises" not to do drugs again. What matters is ... has he truly learned more adult ways of dealing with life?

If so, then you've got yourself a good man.

 

As one gets older there is an increase in the baggage we carry with us, and the History there has been.
It is the Now and the Future that is Important in Living an Enjoyable Life.
We cannot Change the Past - It has happened - what we have learned from it defines us in both Character and Heart.
Being Open denotes trust and a faith in those told (though this may inevitably be discovered) - The fact is you know now - Can you live with someone who has told you these facts, or another whom may not be as forthcoming? - MeThinks

 

just try to forgot all the things happened in past.and live your live happily in present..

 

Should you accept your partner's past? Hmmm. I dunno. I'm sure you have your own batch of quirks. Should your partner forgive you of your past?

 

I admire you, Gallagher29, because you're getting over it. Good for you and I wish him well.

But, if I were in your place, I couldn't. It'd break my heart, but I'd have to be honest with this person and tell him the monsters in my closet are incompatible with the monsters in his. The chemical addiction of my mother has seriously hurt me. Those monsters are still alive.

 

granny_longerhair -> never been really afraid that he could backslide, it was a loooong time ago. The problem was me accepting a person who had such a heavy thing in his past. But I've got over it.

Just_a_woman -> the thing is, I know it sounds strange, I virtually have no monsters in my closet. I come from an extremely nice family and they never gave me anything to worry about. Despite losing my dad shortly after my birth, I've been very lucky.
But I understand what you mean. In that case, I think I couldn't take it.

 

Hey Gallagher,

I'm a bit late to respond here, but I wanted you to know that you are not alone.
When I was younger I began dating a man who was older than me, and although he had not done hard drugs, he had been addicted to cigarettes (and had smoked marijuana). I, at the time, had never smoked a cigarette and had no idea why anyone would ever try! For some reason it really, really bothered me. I never understood it and worried if it made us too different (I have no idea why I felt this way, in retrospect).

Either way, it ate me alive for a while. I'm a worrier, by nature. You just have to let the fear run it's course, honestly. If you two are in a relationship for the long haul, after a few years the fear will seem silly and distant. As long as it is no longer a part of his life, don't worry too much.

Time really does heal many wounds.