addicts

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my fiance/bf whatever, was raised in a very good home. To the point it makes me jealous.

he is the sweetest guy I have ever met. He just got nasty that night. I have forgiven him, but I have not forgottan.

And we will not wed until he gets his act together.

He says, "I'm 24, I can do what I want". I say, "well then, leave me, cuz I ain't puttin up with it". End of argument.

Plus with a ring it needs to become us. not him and me, us, joint decisions and the such. I would not do something he thought was devasting our relationship.

Plus if it didn't make him an asshole or drain OUR money I would not bitch, and let him be his big 24 year old self.

 

I don't get the addiction to coke. I would do it with him now and again (like once a month) and it was just like a caffine high. I don't crave it, and I really don't like it, and never have. I would just do it bc it was his thang. But now I have to say no, and I won't do it with him, bc he DOES crave it. Whatever it does to people, it does it to him, but not me. I don't know why.

But then again you must be different bc you seek it out. I never did. I just did it if he got it. And I'd start to bitch when he started getting out of hand.

But I know it IS the drug, at least with him, bc he would never treat me the way he treated me that night, sober. He is the biggest gentleman I have ever met, to everyone. but if anyone's wondering he didn't get violent. He just said some very hurtful things that nearly lost him a wife.

I just don't know. He'll quit for like a month if I'm lucky and then he'll be begging me for permission. And I mean it, he will BEG! We've been through this cycle before... but I have to be strong and say NO! bc he just can't handle it!!! But I can't handle his begging, and his just up and gettin it and bringing it home, without permission, when I have no privacy to get away from it.

Sure, your all thinkin leave him. But he has so many damn good qualities...

I ain't gonna toss the car out bc the tires flat!!!!!

 

sometimes the most loving thing u can do is smack em in the face stare straight into theyre eyes & scream loud as u can wake the fuck up your screwing everything up & hope he hears u & not just the addictiopn calling
ofcourse u gotta be strong & put up with alotta bullshit in the process butif ui love him dont let the addiction win& dont let yourself give in just to smooth things over

after a year or 2 clean hell realixze u did all u could the only way that u could

 

i have had booze problums in the past
i've got a codeine dependincy thanks to my doctor and some very bad spinal problums
and i likes ekkys
they havent became a problum for me yet..
but you never know
unfortunatly you cant do the work for him/her they have to want to 1 stop
and
2 change!
if they wont do that for the sake of your relationship
then its not worth it..
think of the hell you'll have to go thrue
the abuse you'll have to enjure
possibly on a daily basis
think to your self is it really worth distroying my self on trying to help someone that 1 cant see the problum and 2 doesn't wanna quit?
peace

 

Wait until he becomes an everyday user. If he is to the point of begging you for it maybe its time to get some help. You are probably only aware of his use when he has to buy it as it is. I hate to be a pessimist, but what happens when you get married thinking he is clean only to have him start again. You are playing with fire and you know it. Be carefull.

 

I live with him. We literally do everything together. He can't do it without me knowing unless he does it at work. And he doesn't lie about going to work to do it bc when he's there he calls me 5 times a day and I would know if he sounded high... pretty sure.

But yes he does need help. but he won't get it. I don't see him getting way worse though, since I have booted his ass before on the subject and he did slow down, or stop for awhile. I just see a continuous cycle of this, til hopefully he outgrows it, or I just get used to yelling at him every now and then.

Not ideal but what relationship is, in the long run.

It's just annoying I have to assume a role of power and force some level of control on him. I don't like doing it.

 

been there, done that...never again. in my opinion, anyone who's addicted to a substance can't really commit to another person in any real way. you're the third wheel in a relationship like that. only a person with poor self-esteem would go for that kinda deal, so you might want to think about why you have chosen to be in the relationship at all.

 

Very good point.
I agree

 

well he only does it every now and then. and every now and then it gets out of hand. 95% of the time it isn't an issue or a bother, but that number can change drastically when he goes on the binge, which usually lasts up to 3 days.

why do I have to have low self esteme to be with him? he treats me like a queen. yes he fucks up, and has, but thats no reason to up and leave him. I don't stay with him to feel bad. I'm trying to fix this problem (if it is even possible for me to do), not absorb it. But if I have to deal with his coke fits every few months or so (when he actually acts out of hand, not just doing it)... then be it. I love him. Just not the coke. The coke is the problem not him.

but regardless if he's a big addict or a small addict, he is an addict.

but he's a whole lot more. I'm not egotistical, but by no means would I say I have low self esteme.

 

The hard part there is not becoming resentful. It would be hard on both sides. Not for a couple of years but when your talking a lifetime that stuff gets old quick.

Just realize that people can lose a lot to this drug. You have to think about your livelihood and possibly your children in a marriage. If you are that in to him then by all means try to help but don't marry an addict. You guys are still young now but with age and money addictions can explode. Like I said, if he hangs around other coke heads then it will never go away. I don't think you have low self esteem either but sometimes you can't let others pull the raft out from under you either. I know it hasn't gotten to that point yet. Addictions can become scary quickly, trust me. Remember that you have to take care of yourself along the way as well.

 

I almost don't want to put the ring back on (it's in the shop) but I think we'll just do one of those long term engagements. Like 'I'm promised to you', but we're not making any plans yet, and don't plan on it for awhile. That would be best.

And we will not make plans until he quits for good, and gets his ass in school (like he's planned forever). When I told him off that night I think I really got him there.

I hope this addiction doesn't ruin him. It'd be a damn shame.

Is it normal for a recovering cokehead to smoke alot of weed? he tells me it helps him not think about the drug he really wants. He never smoked that much before. That doesn't bother me though. I'm a toker

 

The thing with any addiction is...you have to substitute that behavior for another behavior.

For instance, for someone that wants to quit smoking cigarettes some people might chew gum or crack their knuckles...or go for a walk...something to keep their mind off of the original behavior...

Therefore, smoking pot is another behavior that takes the place of doing coke. It makes sense...but doesn't really make it any more right...

 

all addicts are a whole lot more than their addiction. but that does not make living with their habit and the resulting behavior any easier. i've been in your shoes, and if i had it to do over again...no freakin' way. in my case i was blindsided by the addiction. you're lucky that you know about it and have a chance to make a good decision to put yourself first. just ask yourself this question, and take all the time you want to answer it...just be honest with yourself. will you always come first before his lust for his drug of choice? and once you have established what the answer to that question is, ask yourself another question...how do you feel about that?

 

You're constantly posting about how this guy treats you like shit, and you say he treats you like a queen? Hon, I hate to be this blunt, but I see a lot of my old self in you, thinking that the relationship I was in at the time was it, that my guy treated me like gold. He did, at times. He was sweet, most of the time...but he had no coping mechanisms other than alcohol and a money spending addiction. When he tried to stop drinking, he replaced it with pot and became dependent on that (which it may not be a physical addiction, but certainly it can become pyschologically addictive to some people). I did what you're planning on doing - I wore a promise ring and went through a 2-year-long engagement waiting for the guy to change into someone I would want to marry. The biggest thing I learned is that A: He was willing to say he wanted to change in order to patch up fights we had, but deep down inside he didn't want to quit, and B: I put up with way too much shit from him. I loved the guy, still do in fact in a way - other than his addictions and the behavior they caused, his personality was everything I wanted and we synched up so well. However, all the fighting, crying, being called names and verbally abused as a result of his addictions and chosen behaviors weren't worth going through for my love of this person. Very simply, we had to split up or risk my very sanity. I put some things on the back burner for this guy that I look back and wish I hadn't. I could have graduated college long before now, I could own my own house even if I'd wanted to, I could have travelled the world by now. But no, I was in love (puke). Seriously, this may sound harsh or even a bit cold, but guys aren't fucking worth that much pain. No person is. It's funny how I was willing at that time to cut off a friend I'd known for 10+ years at the time for some stupid shit that could have been forgiven, but I put up with some serious bullshit from someone I'd only known a year or so. Also, I've learned not to ever, ever live with a guy again, until I've known him and dated him for longer than 2 years. This sounds mean to you and I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but I don't see your relationship lasting, based on what you've written about what goes on between you two. You go on these harangues about how mean he is or about how he can't handle your feelings or about how he is an addict. Then when people give you the advice you've sought, you defend him, going on about how he's the sweetest guy ever and he treats you like a queen. Maybe he does for a portion of the time, but the rest of the time it seems like you guys have too many problems.

I'm going to state something that someone might not have said to you before: You are worth more. In fact, you are worth the best.

What you have is not the best. You may love him, but it's painfully obvious that it's not for the best.

Take it from someone who's been there and had to deal with the same bullshit, and fell for every word of kindness from someone who obviously didn't love me as much as he thought he did, or even wanted to.

Don't stay with someone for the little bits of good times you have when there are equally or more bad times. Don't stay with someone because you'll feel alone if you break it off. Don't stay with someone who is self-destructive and emotionally distant, no matter how much you love them.

The thing is, I see you making all these posts about him and how awful he is, then you turn right around and claim that it's not a problem a majority of the time. If it were just isolated issues here and there, I don't think you'd be posting for advice on this forum all the time. I propose you either break it off with him and move on, or you stop asking for everyone's advice because you seem not to really want it (or you seem to not want it because people aren't telling you what you want to hear).

And above all, remember you're beautiful, with or without him. You, as well as every woman, are a survivor. We women are tough, and we can cope with almost any situation. We are equipped for survival, just remember that.

Peace, sister, and I hope everything gets better for you. I'm sorry if this has seemed harsh or blunt, but I feel like maybe you need to hear these things said to you...

 

"You're constantly posting about how this guy treats you like shit, and you say he treats you like a queen? Hon, I hate to be this blunt, but I see a lot of my old self in you, thinking that the relationship I was in at the time was it, that my guy treated me like gold. He did, at times. He was sweet, most of the time...but he had no coping mechanisms other than alcohol and a money spending addiction. When he tried to stop drinking, he replaced it with pot and became dependent on that (which it may not be a physical addiction, but certainly it can become pyschologically addictive to some people). I did what you're planning on doing - I wore a promise ring and went through a 2-year-long engagement waiting for the guy to change into someone I would want to marry. The biggest thing I learned is that A: He was willing to say he wanted to change in order to patch up fights we had, but deep down inside he didn't want to quit, and B: I put up with way too much shit from him. I loved the guy, still do in fact in a way - other than his addictions and the behavior they caused, his personality was everything I wanted and we synched up so well. However, all the fighting, crying, being called names and verbally abused as a result of his addictions and chosen behaviors weren't worth going through for my love of this person. Very simply, we had to split up or risk my very sanity. I put some things on the back burner for this guy that I look back and wish I hadn't. I could have graduated college long before now, I could own my own house even if I'd wanted to, I could have travelled the world by now. But no, I was in love (puke). Seriously, this may sound harsh or even a bit cold, but guys aren't fucking worth that much pain. No person is. It's funny how I was willing at that time to cut off a friend I'd known for 10+ years at the time for some stupid shit that could have been forgiven, but I put up with some serious bullshit from someone I'd only known a year or so. Also, I've learned not to ever, ever live with a guy again, until I've known him and dated him for longer than 2 years. This sounds mean to you and I'm sure it's not what you want to hear, but I don't see your relationship lasting, based on what you've written about what goes on between you two. You go on these harangues about how mean he is or about how he can't handle your feelings or about how he is an addict. Then when people give you the advice you've sought, you defend him, going on about how he's the sweetest guy ever and he treats you like a queen. Maybe he does for a portion of the time, but the rest of the time it seems like you guys have too many problems.

I'm going to state something that someone might not have said to you before: You are worth more. In fact, you are worth the best.

What you have is not the best. You may love him, but it's painfully obvious that it's not for the best.

Take it from someone who's been there and had to deal with the same bullshit, and fell for every word of kindness from someone who obviously didn't love me as much as he thought he did, or even wanted to.

Don't stay with someone for the little bits of good times you have when there are equally or more bad times. Don't stay with someone because you'll feel alone if you break it off. Don't stay with someone who is self-destructive and emotionally distant, no matter how much you love them.

The thing is, I see you making all these posts about him and how awful he is, then you turn right around and claim that it's not a problem a majority of the time. If it were just isolated issues here and there, I don't think you'd be posting for advice on this forum all the time. I propose you either break it off with him and move on, or you stop asking for everyone's advice because you seem not to really want it (or you seem to not want it because people aren't telling you what you want to hear).

And above all, remember you're beautiful, with or without him. You, as well as every woman, are a survivor. We women are tough, and we can cope with almost any situation. We are equipped for survival, just remember that.

Peace, sister, and I hope everything gets better for you. I'm sorry if this has seemed harsh or blunt, but I feel like maybe you need to hear these things said to you..."



I wanted to get my feelings out.... I'm overly emotional and I know that, and deal with it as best as I can, when he won't. I have a tendency to blow up little shit, but it was big shit that night. Yes he can be an asshole, but most of the time he isn't. Yes I can be a bitch, but at the same time I am not. I take your advice to heart, but I'm not gonna break it off with him. Yes he frustrates me like shit sometimes... but he is good the rest of the time.

but thank you for your opinion. I listen. I might not do as you think is right, but I do listen. my ear is there.

 

My late wife was an alcoholic and it killed her. I will never date an alcoholic again...and druggies are even worse. They have to lie to support their addiction.

 

^^wonderful! you just made every women think a 2nd thought and made women who think weak of themselves, stronger!

 

i try to avoid serious relations with addicts
it's no good really
and it's sad

 

I commend you for this...


I'm currently at UC Irvine twenty months away from a bachelors in international affairs/foriegn policy... I been blowin coke since I was thirteen and smokin weed daily since I was ten... Drugs do exactly what you allow them to do... Plain and simple... However I wouldn't recommend blowin' coke on a daily tip... Thats just not healthy... Atleast try and limit yourself until you quit. Good luck with that my dude...