Advice for Stupid People

Red Bull does not ACTUALLY give you wings. It even says it in the commercial now. You're probably why.

 

Although they are often called cakes, those little pucks in the bottom of urinals are not complimentary desserts.

Calling women whores will not get you a date with one

You know how you'll sometimes be on the subway and you'll start talking really loud because you think others will be impressed by your story? We aren't.

 

When they say "swallow" they aren't talking about gum.

 

If you see a sign that says Wet Paint don't touch the wall.

 

The only time you should ask a woman if she's pregnant is when you see a baby coming out of her.

 

Family gatherings are not for meeting chicks
* Advice void in West Virginia*

 

Apples are said to "keep the doctor away" because they are a healthy food choice. Throwing apples at doctors will not result in fewer visits to the emergency room.

 

there is no such thing as a left handed screw driver and elbow grease...if you looking for it expect to be pelted with various things from contruction sites

 

It really doesn't rain cats and dogs so don't stand outside during a storm looking for a pet.

 

Those little squirty bowls in fancy hotels aren't little baths for babies.

 

Don't put a baby in the freezer to reduce a fever it'll get freezer burn
Don't hold a firecracker and light it. put it in a bottle light and get away from it
Don't play horsey with a newborn it'll shake it's brain and damage it
Children need food don't forget to feed them while you play video games.
Coffee from a resturant will be hot don't put it between your legs while driving.
If your going to try to walk on water make sure you can swim if it doesn't work.
you can't fly no matter what your thoughts tell you.

 

I dont care how vegan you are, its OK to breast feed a baby.

 

dont try to fuck ur selfwhen somone tells u to

 

It's okay for a vegetarian to eat animal crackers.

 

It is not ok to fondle women in the subway.
Keep your feet in your own stall in the restroom.

 

If you can't read the instructions, they're probably in another language. Don't pretend you understand them just ask for help.

Parakeets are not baby parrots.

If someone asks if you want to dance, they mean with them.

 

If the instructions are in another language, flip the page over before calling the 1-800 number.

 

"We need to talk" does not mean you are getting a pony.

 

If a cop says you fit the description thats a bad thing.

 

The corrosive sign on bottles doesn't mean you will get x-ray vision if you drink it or rub it on your eyes.