Am I really *in love* or just... dependant??

i dunno, this thread doesn't make good sense. There's obviously something, something BIG, you aren't telling us about this relationship and/or the breakup. Four years ago, you were 17. No way you're the same person now at 21 that you were then. People change. Maybe you aren't the person he fell in love with anymore. Maybe he isn't the person you fell in love with either. You know what? When a guy says to you that you're too good for him or that he doesn't deserve your love, he's usually right. But it's always impossible to see that except in hindsight. You can't expect him to make you happy. If you aren't happy without him, you won't ever be happy with him either. You have to make yourself happy, nobody else can do that for you.

 

From The Prophet
On Love
Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."

And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you follow him,

Though his ways are hard and steep.

And when his wings enfold you yield to him,

Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.

And when he speaks to you believe in him,

Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.

Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun,

So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.

He threshes you to make you naked.

He sifts you to free you from your husks.

He grinds you to whiteness.

He kneads you until you are pliant;

And then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,

Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,

Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.

Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;

For love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."

And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.

But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:

To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.

To know the pain of too much tenderness.

To be wounded by your own understanding of love;

And to bleed willingly and joyfully.

To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;

To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;

To return home at eventide with gratitude;

And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips.

 

Peanuts... thank you for sharing your story and advice. I actually really appreciated it, and you're probably right... what Nick is going through sounds very similar to what your husband went through also.

Annie... I am listening to everybody here. If I tell people they don't understand... well... it's because they don't... also it's hard to talk about one's relationship to strangers! Some people here seem to get it more than others... I guess it depends on everyone's personal experience. I don't know... but if I came here with those questions, I also am ready for all kinda of answers. But deep inside, I know what I feel and I know what I am. Besides... I have been in therapy.

No I'm not hiding anything BIG... and yes I did change and so did he. So what? People change all throughout their lives... but that shouldn't break bonds like real love... and that's really what we feel for each other. It's just a really bad phase... I had mine before him, and now it's his turn... we're still young... it makes sense... Nick has a really bad tendency to put himself down though. He has no self-confidence, hates himself even... that's why I refuse to listen to him when he thinks he doesn't deserve me. This is such bullshit... what, am I some kind of goddess? I'm a human like him and no one should "deserve" anyone else like we're objects, or rewards... I know him. He also know him NOW, that he changed... not that much, in the end. It's not like he was 10 years old when we got together. And no, for a while I wasn't the person he fell in love with, indeed... I was VERY sick in my head. But I fucking healed... and his problems will heal too.

Should I mention that his father died a year ago? What maybe that fucked with him a little, huh?

 

I know I can't expect him to make me happy, and I don't... I really don't expect anything from him, but his friendship, love, respect, and happiness. I want HIM to be happy, and that will be more than enough to make ME happy. I just feel so good with him, you know? I had problems but it never changed the fact that I feel wonderful with him. We were lovers but also best friends...

 

oh well fuck it all ..more than i'd put out on pages like these

..life's beautiful, people are beautiful (however twisted and complicated they may be)

and music ..ahhhhhhh

santana's guitar sound makin your soul weep in the song of the wind, latin lady, samba pa ti, europa, incident at neshabur or page ridin you on the stairway to heaven, allman brothers bringin memories of elizabeth reed, marley turnin the lights down ..salif keita contributin his magic, ladysmith black mambazo knockin on heavens door, passion for tango bringin our bodies closer or the afro-cuban salsa sounds makin you feel the rhythm

WE make the choice, live life, music or live in shadows ..and whatever you choose, dont bother what the world judges it to be (we're all screwed up equal ) be happy or strive to

 

uh, yeh, that would most definitely be something BIG you were leaving out. Everyone deals with grief differently. If you weren't there for him, if that happened when you were "sick in the head" and were less than compassionate about his loss, yeah, that explains a lot of what is going on. I know my life changed in a very big way when my father died. No, we weren't all that close, there was a time in my life I really hated the man. But that doesn't lessen the impact his death had on me. As a matter of fact, it was the way my ex-husband reacted when I was upset to find out my father had not one, but two terminal illnesses, that gave me the strength to leave my bad marriage behind and start living my own life on my own terms instead. The only thing that changed my life more than the loss of my father was having children. It's that big of a deal, whether he was close to his father or not. Give the guy the time and space he needs to figure out his own life before he can even think about sharing it with you or anyone else. A dear friend of mine once said, after a particularly nasty break-up, "there's only room for one crazy person inside my head"

 

you say you changed for him? i am a guy and i would never want my girlfriend to give things up for me that she wouldnt give up for herself. no matter what, you cannot just change for someone else you have to change for yourself or you will never be truly happy. true happyness comes from within. therefore you must be happy with yourself to make someone else happy. think about where you truly want to be in ten years and then think about where he would want to be. if they come to be the same it might work. i dont believe there is only one person for everyone i think there is more than one that will make you happy but very rarely is it ever true love or true happiness. if you find that you're very lucky. if you ever need help just send me a message and i will try to help as much as i can. i like to help people. best of luck to you.

 

I love it when you quote Gibran. And "On Love" is my favorite.

...and now, back to our regular program.

 

Thanks again everyone... yes indeed I wasn't COMPLETELY there for him when his dad died. I was very troubled at the time it's true... but I was there as much as I could, but now I realize maybe it wasn't enough. I don't know... he's so secretive sometimes, I don't know how he feels, if he hides it or what. It was hard...

But if I did change for him, he never asked me to change for him, but for myself, and that's what I did... I mean, if he didn't point out my problems to me maybe I wouldn't have changed just yet, or ever. But he never asked me to do anything I didn't want to... ever... Nick isn't like that. He loved me REALLY, I don't know if he still does or even realizes it... he was better to me than I was to him.

But anyways... I think I've done, said... everything I could. All there is left to do now is wait and see... maybe because I haven't physically seen him in 3 months it seems easy for him to leave me? Once I'm back in Jersey... we'll see.

 

LOL Thanks...BTW what is that you are playing?
It must sound awesome and the wood must be kool too.

 

I think living in a young western culture, out ideals and expectations are pretty unrealistic. What i mean is this - Sometimes we doubt our love for another person, because its not all sparks and excitement. I broke up with my girlfriend two months ago because i thought that was the case, we got back together about 4 weeks ago as i knew that i loved her. I was mixed up. MEssed up from movies of endless romance and so forth. I would question..."man.. why isn't like its supposed to be" . I love her. But i don't do backflips anymore. I want to see her now... but its definatly a differnt feeling than when we first met. Maybe this has no relevence to you. But after a while i do belive thta it just becomes conveient, comfortable... youve just got to find ways to make it interesting and make it work. peace. hope thing work out penny.

 

do you think that when someone actually falls out of love... they can fall in love AGAIN with the same person that is...?

 

Absolutely!!!

I've been married for almost 11 years and I'm still falling deeping in-love with the same person.

People grow, change. We are not the same people we were 11 years ago. Even when we broke up and got back together that love we had for one another grew stronger. It was "doormant" for awhile but didn't take long to kick back in.

 

yeah, sure, but he will always remember how you were not there for him when he needed you, and that will always be an issue in the back of his mind. He might still love you, he might always love you. But love isn't enough, it takes a lot more than just love to make a relationship work. Think of it as a learning experience, and you'll do better with the next one.

 

if i don't feel good about myself and strong while i'm with someone, i get clear of them in a hurry. who cares what the reasons are? the result is the same. i'd say you should move on and not look back.

 

i'm sry to say yes people can change for the worse and it's really want they become. I'm not saying it's true for your man but he may be becomeing what he will be for the rest of his life, maybe if you think it's worst. You might be growing in differnt directions

you seem very smitten about him, what is that you admire about him? what made you guys breack up?

 

I think you are still 'in love' in a way, as I relate somewhat to what you are saying from my own personal experiences... but i've always been very hesitant on the trying to get back together front after you've drawn that break-up line in the sand...

You'll want to have that 'fresh start' and whatnot, but there will always be that history of it going wrong once, so why wouldn't it again? And is it worth taking that risk? etc... That is what would prey on my mind anyway. Shall I accept that even the best things come to an end and heal myself and move on, or shall I try and recapture and hope that it's reborn into something even better?

These are the questions I'd ask myself in this situation... Only you will know the right answer.

 

Maybe he is your soulmate-friend, instead of soulmate-lover. It sounds to me as though you care a lot about him, but maybe it just hurts too much to be in a relationship with him.

Dannayelli

 

Yes, people change, but sometimes, it is not always for the best. I felt similar to the way that you do, for the first couple of weeks after the relationship ended. The way my ex was in the beginning, compared to the last few months of the relationship, would have given people reason enough to question whether or not I was speaking of the same man. It was a particular fight we had gotten into, when things really went down hill. He grew extremely cold and distant. Soon, everything had to be his way. He became very controlling... "How come I could not reach you on your cell phone?" "Why did you take so long to come over, where were you, who were you with?" One time, he actually told me to leave his house to go home and change because he felt that my skirt was too short and he refused to let his girlfriend look like, "A whore."

He would put me through tests because he believed that both my answers and reactions would confirm that I was, "The one", for him. He would start useless arguments and we would break up, only get back together, without even discussing the issues.

One time, I recall him breaking up with me because my former best friend and myself had been spending time with his former best friend, and he felt that if he was angry with him, then the rest of us should be. Two hours later, he came back, not exactly apologizing, but claiming that he would try to change.

He once spent countless hours with me, yet, in the end, he spent nearly every waking moment playing video games on the computer or toking with his boys. He would send me out for cigarettes or food, kiss me, then go back into the house with his male friends. He drove me away to the point where I found comfort in the arms of another man (who happened to be a friend of mine, and somewhat of an enemy of his).

His family went on vacation for the week of the fourth of July. I neglected to go, because my former best friend did not have a place to stay. During that time, he had our mutual friends, "babysit", me so that I did not stray. During the middle of the week, he called me and claimed that he had to time to think about what happened. He stated that, things did not look good, and we would have a long talk when he returned. I was fed up with his withdrawn, distant and angry attitude towards me. He had turned me into his chef, maid, waitress and slave. No man has ever had the type of mind control over me that he had, and I was tired of playing his game. I told him that I was finished with his bullshit and that we were over.

The first two weeks after I did this, it was difficult. He refused to speak to me, which made me feel horrible. I had went out of my way for this guy, did nearly everything he had ever asked of me, and he did nothing but take advantage of it. However, after a while, I began to realize that he was never worth the hurt he caused. He was a child (twenty years old) with no future, getting kicked out of his house all of the time because he had refused to work or even do menial tasks that were asked of him. That was not the kind of guy I wanted, nor needed. The pain ended...

My point in telling you this story is because I have been where you are. Granted, you and your ex boyfriend may (or may not) have had the same issues that mine and I did, but I have been where you are. You have got to find that inner strength that we all possess. Once you do, you must hold on to it and use it to build your self esteem back up. I know it is difficult, but I promise that, with time, you will heal. You need to keep yourself occupied. You now have the time to do things that you want to do. Start a new hobby, take a class, watch the sunrise... anything....everything.

Some things are just not meant to be, and when they are not, the pain can be horrible. However, you have to keep that in mind. Because it was not meant to be, means that there is something out there that is, and when you find it, you will not have to feel this pain again. Only time can heal a broken heart.. and yours will heal.

Remember, Penny.. I am always here to talk if you need me, hon.

 

Phew this is a big thread!
Penny , this is my view.
You strike me as someone with their mind constantly full of information and thoughts.Like youre over burdening yourself.
It was something I felt in your postings.
Try and empty your head from over exertion.
Dont expect everything to happen at once.Do one thing at a time.
( BTW I think Im as guilty as you with over filling my mind)

What also strikes me with your post re your ex bf was your determination and refusal to accept "defeat".
In a relat it may be difficult to accept something is over.
-like people hanging onto the "one life soulmate " type idea.
As people , we often need to find somthing of worth in our past- in your case , your ex.You arent robotically letting go of your feelings about your ex ,because there is nothing to replace him with.
You need to create new positive emotions to go forward.
This could be belief in yourself , or someone new.

Then you can gain genuinely positive feelings about someone new - most importantly ones that will be reciprocated wholly!

Try to look at your past in a positive light- that the years with your bf werent wasted - that you still have a valuable friend , and / or grew with him in that time.
You must learn to keep growing , and have /regain that passion for growth.
Personally I suspect you are both entering new phases in your lives - the things that joined you once , may now be putting you in contradiction to each other- so it may be time to move on.

Think of your life as a puzzle.You are looking for a piece to make it fit.The piece you have spare maybe doesnt fit - even if you try and squeeze it.
Once you find that piece , things will all be worthwhile.
Just try and enjoy every moment in the meantime.

Good luck!

PS to answer your question , no you arent "in" love in the "couple" sense , IMO
It cant work if both parties dont feel exactly the same.Extreme one sided love , isnt love , its infatuation.Not saying youre obsessive , just that maybe you need to contemplate what is best for your futures.

Take a break , chill , be aware of people around you.Give positive feelings to appropriate people , and you will get back whatever you give many times over.
Best wishes
Self Styled.