Dealing with Porn....

I would just find something he does'nt like you to do and then do it any way...then when he asks you to stop, say, "no, I like it and I am never going to stop."...

It's simple, but it's really effective at helping other people understand how they are making you feel.

When I first got married my husband and I would watch porn together...it was fun, we'd end up not really watching it any way. As time went on though he started just watching it by himself and that is when I started to get disturbed...Why would you sneak off and do it alone? It really does hurt when you scroll through your favorites list and see the places they go...and for me it's always when I'm gone. I don't get it because I am very adventurous and open to trying just about anything. It makes me feel like my potential is being wasted.

It definately corrodes my sense of security, and there were times when I just could'nt be intimate with him because he'd watch it and then come to bed all frisky...and it is such a huge turn off now...and I don't have anything against the stuff

 

disclaimer: the stranger is about to make a serious, honest post, please do not let this affect your opinion of him.

porn can degenerate your brain. but the only way a persons will change is if they want to without pressure. stopping internet porn is not hard to do, you gotta go cold turkey, and there should be very little withdrawl, it is addictive though, and does become obsessive, but once you stop you no longer have the desire for it. i like when girls post racey pics on here, but thats different, and it dosent make me go launch into a 4 hour long internet porn search. i dunno if there is any advice to give you, other than to "break" your computer "accidentally" and if he buys another one then "break" it accidentally too, keep doing this until you can honestly tell him that his porn addiction is hurting your financial future. after a few porn free months, he should be straight as an arrow. the problem with porn is jealousy, he is going to see alot of things and get jealous and feel entitled to try them too, feel like he is missing out on the fun other people are having. there is a real world out there and things other than sex, but if he cant keep his hands off of computer porn, then you have to creatively, accidentally "break" as many computers as he can buy.

 

Why is it so evil???

 

I know what you are dealing with I too am dealing with a simular situation. The reason that most men watch porn is because they are horny. I am sure you hav already figured that out. The problem here is not yours it is both yours and your husbands problem. He is a typical male who doesn't consider your feelings and thoughts. He guilts you into be intimate and doing things in bed that you dont like. That is just wrong. you need to either sit him down and literally talk to him express how you feel about him watching porn and how it makes you feel unwanted or not good enough fo rhim. OR you two need to go see a marriage/sex counsler. seriously what i did when i found out that my fiancee watches porn I first ignored it but then I couldn't cuz he would watch it on the computer in our room and masturbate while he thought i was asleep. I felt (and still do) like i wasn't sexually appealing to him any more especially when I saw his collection and most of the girls were young (14 and up) I was upset. Finally i asked him and he explained to me that if he doesnt' masturbate at least 2 a day he will end up going and fucking some random girl at work then taking a chance of brigning an std home and giving it to me. He knew how i felt about the whole situation I didnt even have to tell him. So he still masturbates to porn but he had put the computer in a seperate room so that he wont bother me anymore. Now I am pregnant and I had to accept the fact that he would not be intimate with me out of fear of hurting the baby so i had to accept him watching porn to masturbate. Now that i am in my 9th month and the baby is due at any time he is intimate with me cuz he just learnt that something in the cum helps break the water in early labor. Like I said sit your husband dow and tell him everything that is on your mind right down to the little nit picking detail and express your feelings of how you think your not good enough for him. If all else fails go to a marriage/sex counsler. If he refuses to go to counsleing than you go by yourself and talk to the counsler. even talking to a professional helps most of the time. I hope that out of my rambling yo ugot some kind of help.

*HUGS*
~Fallen Fairy~

 

im sorry there is nothing typical about a man watching porn. yes porn is out there, yes men are horny, but that does not make it normal or right, to obsess about it. i can see looking here or there, but you ladies are talking about habitual use. do not insult me as a man by saying that men are supposed to look at porn cus they are horny and thats typical. that is weak behaviour staring at porn, especially when you are blessed with a wife. if its typical for men to be weak well then i guess i am not typical. im not saying that they have the worst behaviour, or that its even unacceptable, but it is no way normal or typical.

 

Sorry, a man with a partner shouldn't be viewing pornography on a regular basis. Whenever you're engaging in a solo pursuit of pure sexual fantasy on more than a monthly basis and you have an S/O, you have a problem. I'm willing to say openly that most of these guys who have these sorts of behaviors usually have some sort of fetish/desire that is not natural and needs to be dealt with firstly in that relationship between partners, and secondly with a professional if it isn't resolved between the man and his S/O.

Men DON'T watch porn excessively because they are horny. A healthy man will always first pester his S/O to death for sex before looking into alternatives. I would ask him straight up if he had any unusual desires. Talking about it may help him heal it. Don't judge for the odd desire, but don't indulge it if you're not okay with it. I'd be happy to discuss this with you further!

 

Wayfaring, you're the best!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I personally don't have a problem with porn in itself, but then I don't have a relationship either, so it's probably easy for me to say! If someone is in a relationship with someone who *is* bothered by it and he can't control himself, then obviously there is a problem... Whether it's the porn itself, or as Duck says only a case of being inconsiderate while porn only happens to be the way it shows, I don't know, but either way it's a problem.

Hm, suggestions... it sounds like he's pretty selfish about it all; saying you shouldn't stand in the way of what he wants but doesn't he care what *you* want? And even in the sex, asking you to do things you don't like for his pleasure. Can you work out any compromises -ask him to stop certain kinds of porn, or cut down? Or come up with something new that you wouldn't mind doing and suggest it -maybe he's the type who's easily bored w/plain sex?

 

You better be ready with a cite to back that up!!

And even if they do, its an easy excuse! Its easier to turn round and say to someone "porn did it", when the real reason may be more likely to hurt the other party. Most women who get caught cheating blame drink - whats the difference??

Pornography is the same as anything else, it can be good or bad in different circumstances - my fiancee and I watch porn together - we both enjoy it - and it does us no harm. I continue to watch porn by myself, she is aware of this, and happy with it - our sex drives don't completely match, so its a solution to a potentially tricky relationship problem.

There are completely valid circumstances for using pornography/masterbating by yourself whilst in a relationship as well - PROVIDED BOTH PARTIES ARE HAPPY WITH THE SITUATION!!!

Breaking up a relationship over mismatched sex drives seems a waste to me - so why not use the alternatives? Most people will continue to masterbate whilst in a relationship (male and female), its not necessarily a bad thing. What would be much worse would be pestering someone for sex when they are not in the mood.

However, in this situation the man is being an ass, and needs to be told as much. He has lost control of the situation, and the only solution in his case is cold turkey.

I fear however that the real problem runs deeper, in that the man in this case has lost respect for his partner, pushing people into sexual situations they are not comfortable with is not good.

TheStoon

 

It's been an issue in my relationship for the past few months as well. Over last summer, I was working a lot waiting tables, so I never knew when I would get home & was often exhausted when I did. Up till this point, I knew my boyfriend watched porn, but it didn't bother me so much as long as he didn't do it when I was home. But, then, we weren't having as much quality time as I would have liked & it got really frustrating to get home early & not exhausted, want to fool around, but he can't get it up for 20 min cuz he just got done wanking off to porn... So I asked him to quit watching it temporarily -- ideally just for a couple of months, till school started & we could get back into a regular schedule with time for each other. So, a couple of months later, things were going much better, I was just about ready to try going back to normal, but decided to check his computer before saying anything.... Turns out, he had been lying to me the whole time -- I even found stuff he had downloaded the day before while I was in the shower! So he said he'd quit again... And lied again.
Finally, we have agreed that he will do his best to quit, realizing that he will be weak from time to time, so it won't be so difficult for him to be honest about it when he does (he would get freaked out about disappointing me & embarassed that he couldn't do what he said he'd do).

In my case, I don't see ever going back to how things were before... The fact that he couldn't just stop makes me feel like what the hell is wrong with me? Why am I not good enuf? If I were in your shoes, I would be asking why he is not willing to make a sacrifice that is so important to you. Honestly, my man is at least willing to try to come to some compromise -- once in a while & when I'm out of town are acceptable, but for now he is doing his best to quit... I don't like that this is difficult for him, because it really seems like if I were satisfying he shouldn't need it -- if he wants to go masturbate, why can't he lay on the bed & think about the last time we had great sex (which is generally not that long ago)? But he's willing to make this effort for our relationship. Why won't your man do the same?

 

That is the absolute worst thing my bf ever did -- sit & look at porn while I'm in the shower (which I didn't know till I saw the history later) then be all horny with me when I got out of the shower. Like any woman is going to believe that those two acts aren't connected. If he wants to be with me, he should just be with me, not be staring at other women to get him excited before he ever touches me. Here and I thought I was the one who turned him on, come to find out that it couldn't have been me...

To my knowledge, he only did that once, but that was a big part of why I wound up developing a problem with porn.

 

Damn right you should be if they are really as young as 14. You realize that is illegal, right? Kiddie porn?

That is one sick bastard.

 

Unfortunately, my husband does the whole porn-while-I'm-in-the-shower thing regularly. I hate that. He is always more than welcome to come and get in the shower with me (which I think is sexy!) but he'd rather watch a porno and then think I'm gonna get it on with him. Yeah, right. But what I hate most about it is that he lies. I see him doing it with my own eyes and he denies it.

I like the idea that was presented about writing him a letter. I have tried talking to him about this in a non-agressive way numerous times and he gets very angry. I know he won't go to counselling, but I could certainly go myself.

 

First some facts:

Healthy males should ejaculate at least once a week.
Males are extremely visual creatures.
Sometimes in relationships sexual drives are mismatched.
Privacy is sacred.

Men are prone to masturbating because they need to keep the pipes clean. If they do not have sex at least 2 times a week, they will be horny. This, of course is assuming they have a healthy, normal sex drive. At our base, men are built for having sex and creating life. Before full consciousness, male homosapiens (and their ancestors) were designed to find the best female(s) win them over, have sex with them and protect the young. All these primal drives are still at work today. The need to have sex with as many women as possible is something akin to instinct, although I don't think it's quite the same, I think it's more a learned behaviour mixed with physical urges. Pornography can be used for good in the right hands, and used for evil in the wrong hands. In the case of the original poster, pornography seems to be an addiction around which the male has based his life. From what you have said, he seems to be losing touch with reality and with his connection with you (if there was one to begin with). The pornography is not to blame for this. I will repeat that. The pornography is NOT TO BLAME. If he did not watch pornography, it would be another escape, alcohol, drugs, fast cars, TV, you name it, it could be his problem. He could definitely benefit from counseling alone and both of you should also be in marraige counseling.

To FallenFairy: (if i read your post right) your husband is a jerk for masturbating in the same room while you lay sleeping, and he is a criminal for obtaining and watching underage pornography. He is a moron for denying you sex during your pregnancy, and could also benefit from some personal counseling, and I think both of you should be in marraige counseling based on this information and also on previous posts of yours.

To Stranger, Michael and other religious (and nonreligious) opponents of pornography: You are denying yourselves the most basic of human rights, the enjoyment of safe, healthy sex with yourself. It is a right, not a privilege, not just a need, a right. Your deity tells you not to masturbate, well, I tell you that you are not only preventing yourselves from living an enlightened life, but you are possibly hurting yourselves or at the very least you are probably ruining some sheets. If you do not masturbate or have sex, you will have nocturnal emissions.

There are different kinds of pornography, there are healthy types, ones depicting women and or men together all parties are of legal age and people are having fun. There are also unhealthy types: degradation, rape, underage, nonconsenting, etc.

I am a normal healthy male with an average sexual drive, I am in a close monogamous with my girlfriend and I watch masturbate watching pornography about twice a week. I could masturbate without the pornography, but men are visual creatures and I find it pleasing to watch something while I pleasure myself. I do not bring this into the bedroom, literally or figuratively. My girlfriend does not care to watch pornography, but she does know that I watch it and she accepts it fully. I do not ask her to have a threesome because I saw it in a pornographic video. I do not expect her to look like any of the women in those movies. I can separate the facts from the fiction. The fact is that pornography is an escape from reality, but for me it is not a basis of comparison. I do not measure women by whether they look like jenna jamison, etc. I do not masturbate in the same room as her, I do it in privacy because that is what this is, a private act. It is also a nonemotional act. It is simply a physical release. Often times, the female is not up to having sex, and I don't think that the male should have to suffer the (possible) agony of arousal when there is a safe, healthy outlet available.

I am going to exercise my right to masturbate while watching pornography.

 

I dont see anything wrong with a guy watching porn, but there is a time and place for it. If he knows i dont like porn he should do it when i'm not around, and he should definently not rub it in my face.

 

Perfectly said.. and with so few words

 

I had a similar experience during my marriage. I don't think this is necessarily a porn issue. I think that he is displaying a complete lack of respect for you, a total disregard for your feelings. Someone else said that if it wasn't porn it would be drugs or alcohol. I don't doubt it.

I know that horrible feeling when he's pressuring you to do things that he knows you really don't like, and guilt tripping you when you don't want to, and you give in and feel like crap. I've been in that situation. It feels like shit. How is that your fault? How is this a loving relationship? Think about it. Can you imagine making someone that you love, genuinely love, do something to get you off that makes them feel disgusting? I doubt it. He doesn't respect you. You don't deserve this.

This is a respect and control issue. He's manipulating you with the guilt trips, intimdating you with his anger when he becomes irate, and saying hurtful things. He does all of this with the goal of his sexual gratification in mind, with no regard for your feelings.

I was in your situation. I ran like hell. I have no regrets.

 

There's nothing wrong with porn.

 

No, but it can be used in a very bad way, as the original poster, and others have shown. Harmful ways. Evil ways, dare I say, like this dude who the OP is talking about, who is using it in a way to intentionally HURT his partner. I suppose it can be used benignly, but why bother with it?

 

I really don't see why a man needs porn when they have a steady partner. Hello, they can have a real woman. I'm so sick of hearing people say "oh all men do it, it doesn't mean they don't care" Hell yes it does because if they do it knowing it hurts you then they obviously only care about themselves! Am I right ladies? If a guy can't give up porn he's not ready to be in a relationship. I mean if a girl really doesn't care then fine, look at porn all you want. You know if a guy looks at it when his partner isn't home or asleep and he's horny then ok. But come one! Girls have to make sacrifices in a realtionship too.