Dealing with Porn....

why doesn't the abused wife leave, I haven't a fucking clue really, been wondering that for a while now.


porn can be an addiction to some, like alcohol or drugs, so I agree there....she should try to get him to "kick" if she wants to stay with him

BUT>>>>


The guy just sounds like a lame ass, I have no idea why someone would put up with him

 

Jesus Christ. The womyn is being abused. How obvious does it have to be? Got nothing to do with being "against" men. DID YOU READ her post?

 

Yes I did.. so he makes her feel guilty.. he asks her to do things that he knows she doesn't like.. he says hurtfull things..

This COULD be emotional abuse.. but remember that this is only HER side of the story.. not all things are as black and white as they most of the time seem. Maybe he has a problem with being intimate because something happened to him as a kid, maybe he has a lot of emotional problems.. we don't know that. Even if that is the case, that doesn't make it ok for him to do that.. I've never defended him because I agree that he's a total jerk. I'm just saying that his is about HIM and his emotional insenstive stuff.. and it has nothing to do with the fact that people like to watch porn! Attack him for being a jerk, for having the wrong priorities, heck, even for not loving his partner.. but don't go blaming it on something that millions of people enjoy watching without it ever causing a problem.

Abuse is a very very big word.. don't use it so lightly.

 

I agree that it can be used in a bad way, but that is as far as it goes. I completely support any woman or man who chooses to watch porn or even act in porn, or any of the adult industries for that matter. It is their choice.

 

Emotional abuse is somehow better than other kinds? This is also sexual abuse. As for it "only being her side of the story" DUH, this is an internet BB. That is about what you get here. If a person describes abuse, (and the OP did) and it is PRETTY DAMN OBVIOUS that is what it is, it is abuse. Why is that so hard to understand? Sexual, mental, emotional, physical, what difference does it make? It is RARE that an abusive partner only participates in ONE type of abuse anyway........


I hope the OP can find some way to get either away from this abusive man, or to get the two of them into therapy. Sex addicts are some of the most difficult to treat. I hope she can find some peace.

 

Whose using it lightly? Emotional abuse is a very serious thing.

Also, people, or at least one person is saying, 'Why doesn't she just leave?' Well, I agree, but it's not as simple as just walking away. If you haven't been in an abusive (emotional or otherwise) relationship, then it may look that simple to you. I used to blame myself. My family blamed me. They said that if I wouldn't just leave, it was my own fault for putting up with it. It's not so simple, though. They're a married couple. They probably have a lot of the same friends. They have a history together. She blames herself. It sounds as if she still wishes that her marriage could work out.

It can be tough and scary to walk away from your relationship and to risk losing your friends, and to admit that the future that the two of you had in mind is gone.

If you've never been in that situation it might be hard for you to understand. It's not as simple as it sounds.

To the original poster, please don't take what I am about to say the wrong way. Obviously, I don't know you or everything about your situation. When I was married people around me kept telling me that they felt my husband was 'abusive'. I thought that was such a strong word. Surely, I thought, he was just having a rough time at the moment, and someday, when factors x, y, and z were under control or he wasn't under so much stress, he would go back to being the kind, sweet man that I used to know. After all, he hadn't beaten me up (yet).

The more people said that they thought he was abusive, the more defensive I became. I thought that I was too smart to get myself hooked up with someone abusive. Not me.

Then one day I snuck out of the house to visit my mom with my new baby. I had not planned to leave him when I left the house, but he was so controlling at this point that I couldn't just walk over to my mom's when I felt like it. When it was time to leave her house I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was afraid to go home. She could see that I was upset. She said, "Don't get mad, but I got some things from the domestic violence shelter, and I want you to look at them. It's not normal to be afraid to go home." The pamphlets that she had were questionnaires. Some of the questions on there surprised me. Things that I had defended and tried to adjust to were signs of an unhealthy relationship. Being pressured to into sex and punished, even 'just' emotionally for not doing it, was definitely one of the criteria of an abusive relationship.

I am not trying to freak you out. I am not trying to diagnose the problems of a person that I don't know. I am just saying that his attitude of disrespect and disregard for your feelings is, from my personal experince, and according to the literature from the domestic violence shelter, a red flag. You can't fix a person who doesn't genuinely want to change. You need to look out for yourself and do what's best for you.

 

At least we agree to some level on this.. yes, she should get away from him or they should get into therapy together.. but why does him watching porn and wanting to try out stuff make him a sex addict? As I said before, he's a complete insensitive jerk.. but where do you get that he's an addict? Maybe he can stop watching porn if he wants to, but as long as his girl doesn't really stand up to him, why would he (being the insensitive jerk) do anything different? If he had a really kinky girl he probably would be happier.. and if she had a nice sensitive romantic guy she would be happier. It's now a matter of trying to change the relationship in something they are both happy with (through therapy or sth) or breaking up and finding a partner that suits their needs better.

 

You need to read between the lines in the first post in this thread and see the PAIN this womyn is in. Forget it is porn, pretend alcohol is making him abusive.

We don't know this, and it isn't the victim's responsibility to change an abuser.

If you insist on doing something, despite the fact that it harms you and/or people around you, and you don't care if it harms them or you, the behavior, if continued, is considered addictive.


Don't blame me, blame the 12 step people.............It is one of the hallmarks of addiction.

 

Well.. if I read between your lines I get a certain impression as well.. but who's to say that's a correct impression?

 

We are each entitled to our opinions, which is what the OP asked for.

However, I think I know abuse when I see it.This isn't ABOUT defending porn.

 

http://www.clarkprosecutor.org/html/domviol/vic.htm


This link has some questions that a person can ask themselves about their relationship.

I was hoping to find something better, but this is informative.

 

hey, it was you who said that porn can be used beningly, but that the risk of it being used in 'evil, harmfull ways' is too much of a risk so that he shouldn't bother with it and you described porn as "stupid, silicone, plastic, video, fake sex".. for that I don't even have to read between the lines.. it tells me that you are biased.. and therefor I question your judgement more than I would with someone who just looks at the relationship and the way he is behaving without having such a rigid opinion about pornography.

(Note that I think that any form of addiction is bad, be it alcohol, nicotine, gaming etc)

 

Excellent link, Levi! EVERYONE HERE should read the section on SEPARATION VIOLENCE. The most dangerous time in an abused womyn's life is AFTER she has left. (so much for the "why doesn't she just leave?" contingent!)

And these are only 2 of many signs of an abuser:

Thank you Levi.

 

"Also, people, or at least one person is saying, 'Why doesn't she just leave?' Well, I agree, but it's not as simple as just walking away. If you haven't been in an abusive (emotional or otherwise) relationship, then it may look that simple to you. I used to blame myself. My family blamed me. They said that if I wouldn't just leave, it was my own fault for putting up with it. It's not so simple, though. They're a married couple. They probably have a lot of the same friends. They have a history together. She blames herself. It sounds as if she still wishes that her marriage could work out."

This is true. I used to beat up guys in high school if I heard they hit a friend (or even not a friend) yet I got into an abusive relationship. You just don't know until you're in it. Luckily for me this guy was SERIOUSLY fucked up and went to prison. We were fixing to get married when it happened..thank God! And he didn't hit me or anything. he was controlling and emotionally abusive and ran my friends and family off and all

 

That's a HUGE sign!


Everyone, if your partner tries to keep you from seeing or talking to your friends and family, you might want to think about RUNNING LIKE HELL!

Oh, they'll have excuses. Your folks don't like me and blah blah blah.

But unless your dad is Charles Manson, this should be a red flag.

 

Yes, that is the most dangerous time. My ex even told me later that the reason he threatened to kill me and my family was because he thought that he could scare me into coming back.

If anyone finds themselves in an abusive situation and wants to leave, I urge them to do it with the help of a domestic violence shelter and friends and family. Even if you don't stay at the shelter they can give you very helpful advice. This is something you need to give some thought to. Have a plan B.

I don't know how many times I went back, or turned down someone's offer to help me leave, because I was afraid. My fears were confirmed. He stalked us. He threatened and tried to take the kids. (Believe me, it wasn't motivated by a fatherly need to be with them. It was to control me.)

And if you met him today, or if you met him when I met him, you would probably get the impression that he was a really sweet guy. These people don't walk up and say 'Hey there, I'm an asshole and I'd like to ruin your life. Do you want to be my girlfriend?' So, if anyone is in a situation like that, don't feel stupid for getting into this situation. My ex didn't get crazy until I got pregnant. That's really common, too, actually.

I was so surprised when I first went to the shelter in my little town of about 20,000 people. It was packed. Domestic violence is way more prevalent than people realize.

 

Did everyone forget about the orginal poster? It is obvious that she is being emotionally abused. We should be telling her that it's not her problem (she thinks it is) and that he is the one with the problem. Not to mention helping her get out of the relationship.

As for the porn issue, I don't see why men in relationships would need porn, I mean, once in a blue moon or whatever. I know I'd be majorly pissed and hurt if my other half spent more time jacking off to porn than making love to me. Not to mention if he tried to mold me into someone in his porn and make me do things that I didn't want to do. I really don't think it's healthy for commited men to obsess over porn. Like others said, what man would want to spend all night watching porn when there is a real woman there who loves him? I don't think porn is evil or anything, but it can be used to hurt others. Is the OP still out there? I'd like to hear more about the situation. To the OP, don't worry, MOST of us want to help you.

Hugs for everyone!

 

oh god.. am i the ONLY one that sees that they might just have some connucication problems and she might but sensitive and he might be afraid to say what he wants.. hey, he's a guy and things could be worked out.. with no big deal.

all this ABUSE, ABUSED WIMYN shit is getting to me

 

Beautful reply.