Depression is ruining my life and my marriage

When I was a small child, depression was commonplace for me. My parents were both abusive, sexually and physically, to both my sister and I. My mother was slowly killing herself with alcohol (and finally died of such poisoning), my dad was slowly dying of internal problems caused by an accident on his Air Force base shortly after his 3rd enlistment. He died in 1989 of many physical ailments, pneumonia being the final dagger.

Before my dad died, the Illinois Department of Children and Family Services, along with Illinois State Police, removed me and my sister from the home due to our physical condition. We were rarely fed--and I never went outside, nor seen the light of day (even through curtains) until I was 6...the day I ran away. When the police weighed me, I was about 30 pounds---and damn near 3 foot tall. You could clearly see every vital organ in my body, and had they not gotten to me when they did, I would have been dead.

So I then began the fostering system--went through 3 families in 3 1/2 years. The rejection that they gave me hurt so badly that I thought something was wrong with me. "aw,, he's just a rent-a-kid--mom and dad will get rid of him soon", said one of the families own children once. So in came the feelings of worthlessness.

I was finally adopted at age 10. A half-way well off family in the southwest suburbs of Chicago. Dad was an engineer; mom was a QA manager for a subsidiary of Johnson & Johnson. Decent house, two vehicles; societies "American Family" was now born.

Through the first few years of my adoption, I was starting to come out of my shell, a little. My sister was adopted with me, so that did help. I was afraid to eat, despite the numerous opportunities my adopted mom gave me to openly 'raid the fridge'...I was just too afraid to eat--thought they would hit me.

School began. I was your 'geek'...un-popular clothing, braces, hung out with people that no one else would. Got beat up alot by bigger kids. Got half way decent grades; that sure didn't help at all, either. This all continued throughout high school, where I tried out for, and made the football team as a 3rd string defensive back, 3rd string wide receiver. That didn't help; geeks never started, and I may have played 3 minutes the 2 years I went out for the sport...coach wanted to look good giving all the kids a 'chance to play'; not that he cared I had some skill...

Mom thought that I had a problem listening, and felt I had anger issues, so she sent me away to a mental institution for 11 months where I was used as a lab rat for whatever meds were available; some of the combos I was given, I later found out, could have caused severe brain trauma. When I was discharged, I was given a 2 month supply of the medication, and was told 'see ya'.

I didn't complete high school; got a GED and went through the Job Corps program, then attended 3 semesters of college at Cincinnati State Technical College. Since I was rather skinny, got made fun of some more....I was so far withdrawn from society that people that wanted to, and tried to, get close to me were immediately pushed away. I lived alone for several years until I met a friend who had convinced me, or tried to atleast, that I was this wonderful person that was a victim of a rough upbringing, and had a heart of gold...(yada, yada)...she later cheated on me while I was at work--got the luxury of walking in and seeing it, too.

I wallowed like this until I was about 26. It was then I talked to a very powerful influence and cried and cried and let all of the built up emotion out. She made me realize that I had done nothing wrong to deserve all that had been dealt to me, and helped me to gather my inner self, and walk strong. From that point on, I slowly began to encourage myself through support groups and newly found friends that I was somebody and no one was going to take my heart away, nor put me down again. It was that very strength that has pulled me through since then, and no matter what I may endure, I know that my love and self-esteem are never getting blemished again through the use of someone else's actions.

Peanuts, I know that you are down on yourself, and alot may have to do with the barrage of meds you are on. At the same time, there is nothing in life that you cannot endure if you just believe in yourself. Join a support group in the community; do not be afraid to do things for you...just because you deserve them. Do not let any feelings go unsaid--you have the right to be heard, and it is that very right that, at times like this, can pull you out of the deepest doldrums of depression. Releasing all that is in your head will not only help you in sorting things out, but you will grow to realize that you are a great woman, capable of many, many great achievements--big or small...

...and I would make the first of those achievements be winning the internal battle between your worth and the thoughts that are shadowing such. I do not know you, but I can say, as a human, that I believe in you and will be there for you to listen--without talking--and allow you to vent through me. I know that I can be of great assistance to this situation of yours.

 

I feel that way about Lexapro. I feel like I can talk, carry on a conversation, remain some level of normalsy but the big O is gone. My desire is gone. I'm dead in that area.
The O is gone and I know this sounds really strange but when I'm on the Lexapro my back and shoulder pain is MUCH worse. The chemical in Lexapro softens my head and my moods but it pulls tension from my back. Does that sound stupid or what? The other thing it does is give me great days but then when I go to bed I seem to download and have nightmares. I sometimes scream in my sleep.

I'm giving myself anxiety just thinking about it.

 

I'm racking my brain trying to think of someone who can fill in, but no one is coming to mind.

I think we can find someone else, but its going to take time just to do that, let alone a few months to teach them the songs...I can't believe this guy did this to us...maybe we should try using a drum machine, more reliable

The weather turned awful here this weekend too, snowed all weekend after summer like weather last week...seemed to coincide with my luck. Last week Ihad a new project for work and a bunch of shows to play....the snow comes I lose my other project and then my band practically.

As far as drawing..I like to use black micron pens and do these kind of intricate designs with lots of small details a lot...I'm trying to expand my horizons lately with it..I sit with the sketchbook and just get lost in it, sometimes while casullay watching tv...keeps me up all night sometimes, but takes my mind elsewhere.

My wife is on anti-deppressants too, so I've dealt with her ups and downs, and her trying to ween off of them..

i also understand how you feel about cleaning...its kind of therapeutic I think, to take a messy place and make it orderly.

wow walk of life, you should feel strong just by looking back at your life and remembering all you have gone through

 

Yes, my husband is very supportive. I just feel bad sometimes that he got stuck with me. I hate to burden him with more of my anxiety/depression woes sometimes because he worries about me too much when I do. I guess that's a million times better than someone NOT caring though.

Outlets? Hmm, that's kind of a tough one. I've really taken to gardening lately, which is something I love. I used to love cooking, but anymore, ugghh, it's lost it's appeal. More hassel than anything, and so much clean-up. *laughs*

I enjoy doing creative things, like painting, sculpting, things like that. Only I don't do them too often. I really need to head to the library and get myself some more books to read. That's always a great outlet.

It's good for you to keep busy. When I'm feeling down or anxious, I try to keep myself super busy. I end up tackling projects that I've been putting off for months.

Thanks for being so sweet. You make me wish that you lived around here.

 

Walkoflife Thank you for sharing all that you just did. I'm sitting here crying. You are a very good person and for sharing all that you just did I know that couldn't of been easy.

You have GREAT STRENGTH. I admire you for being able to tell your story and for wanting to help those, like myself, who need it. You are a healer and an inspiration. All that you have carried and lived through you have found a way to LIVE. I admire you so much for that.

Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.

 

I take depression very seriously, Peanuts, and since I find you to be (not only equal in age) alot like myself in the respect of fighting inside yourself, and I do promise to be there for you in this. Believe me, a support network can mean the world when all other means of voicing your thoughts are shut out.

It was really hard to pull that all back out of me. I felt you deserved to know, and I am hoping that perhaps you will see that you can do it. I KNOW YOU CAN!!

Please, call me Dave, or....just "there for you" will work, too.

 

Are you going to a doctor doctor, a psychologist, or a psychiatrist to get help?

If you haven’t already done so, you should really look into the withdrawal of certain anti-depressants, especially if you were taking either effexor or prozac. The come down is atrocious with those and lasts months for some people, even on low dosages. If you have that crawling out of your skin type of anxiety, the normal benadryl has been very helpful for many people.

I’m sorry you’re going through some hard times… you’re one of the genuinely nicest people I’ve seen on these forums. Don’t beat yourself up over this (easier said than done, right?), you’re not in denial and you’re doing the right thing.

As far as your husband; is he really aware of what’s going on? Have you guys talked about it? If you haven’t, or not had a productive conversation… maybe try writing a letter, send him an email… take a day or two to write it. Anytime I’ve had communication problems, I found that to be quite effective, even if I didn’t give it to my significant other, it organized my thoughts so that I knew what I needed to get out.

 

I want to reply to the both of you but right now I have to go bring my son to school and then I have to mow the lawn. It's going to take me 3 hours to do it but I told my husband it would get done.

Thank you EVERYONE for your replies and for sharing with me things I know are not easy to talk about. It really helps knowing I have friends here.

I'll be back a lil' later and I will reply to your questions Fulmah.

 

At this time I am just working with my Doctor. I average going to a Psychiatrist about 4 times a year. I haven't gone since last year. I've worked with counserlors, psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and I've been hosptitalized twice. (I was hospitalized back in 93 & 94)

My husband has been very supported. He's been where I am. He was diagnosed as manic depressive years ago but has dealt with it on his own without any medicine. Lately though I think my troubles are taking something away from us as a couple. We don't have a very active intimate relationship. That area of our marriage has been suffering for a long time.

I do talk to him about all that is going on. He's the only one I have to talk to about it except just recently I've taken it to the forums. Everytime I do talk I start to cry. I can't even talk about it without crying. That has to be irritating to have to watch me like that.

If this new medication that I am starting tonight doesn't seem to help me I think I am going to go back to a therapists. Eventually my Doctor is going to feel like she can't help me and I will have ruined my bridge with her. I don't want to do that.

Thank you for the very nice compliment. You are kind.

 

I think a few people can appreciate what I am about to say.

I said earlier I was going to mow my lawn. I went out, first the wheel on the wheel barrell was broken, okay fine I can deal with that. Then I was only a 1/4 of the way done and I hear CLUNK! I looked under the mower and there is a metal piece were the grass clippings go that was loose hitting the blade. With all my might I bent it back, checked to make sure it didn't hit it, and started the mower. wewwww there goes the blade!!!!! The blade broke right off the mower and went flying. Thankfully it didn't hit my legs.

At that moment I was done. I can't fix a broken blade. I called my husband and he told me not to worry about it he was glad I wasn't hurt. He said he's going to try and fix it so he can finish the lawn tonight and then that's it. We are off to buy a new mower.

It's my fault the mower is in the condition it is in. I've run over many stumps with it cleaning out my field. I was trying to be extra careful today not to hit anything.

Does my kind of a day sound familiar? lol

 

aww poor peanuts... I totally feel for ya babe... trust me I have had tons of those "whats next" days

 

At least you are still walking...that is a relief!

As far as the 'day' goes, I have had similar days like that, too. Those are the days that for me, back when I was down on myself, ended with a 1/5 of Cuervo 1800. I am glad that you aren't on that path....

Keep your head up and when the meds get to the point where they are controlling you, back off of them and see your therapist. As stated before, Buspar is nothing to mess with, especially if given too high of a dose. My guidance is with you, and I am proud to know you have a hubby that really cares for you like he does and sees you though these times...

 

I called the pharmacy and my prescription is ready. My Doctor is putting me on Buspar 15 mg twice a day. Does that sound like a lot for that kind of medicine? Can this be a medicine a person only takes once a day?

 

Peanuts, here's some good links to active forums with a whole ton of people in your situation. Information on pretty much everything can be found here (treatments, medications, coping strategies, relationships; everything):

http://www.depression-forums.com/

http://www.beatingthebeast.com/

http://forums.psychcentral.com/postlist.php?Cat=&Board=depression

 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was taking 2.5 mg 2x a day (would break a 5mg pill in half)....I hope that you are not taking anything else. I mean it....Buspar is a sensitive drug.

 

I have bookmarked all three websites and will look into each of them.

fulmah that very thoughtful of you to post those links. Thank you.

May I ask you have you had to deal with depression? You don't have to answer that if that is too personal. I respect your privacy.

Thank you again

 

Maybe I didn't hear the pharmacist right? Maybe she wants me to break the 15 in half? I'll find out when my script comes home. I'll let you know.

Yes I will be very careful. I'm not going to fool with it.

 

I've not dealt with chronic depression, just more of the depression where I was in an abusive relationship that led to severe depression, then alcohol took it up a notch and I became suicidal. Talking with a kick ass psychiatrist helped a lot, and the way I met her was just kinda weird… I got her name from three unrelated people who all swore by her, she came in wearing leather pants and had this dark purple hair, and she was just… awesome. She had my doc put me on effexor for a few months… we had a few sessions, then my insurance ran out and I had to stop seeing her. I got over the depression (and the effexor) but I plan to go back once new insurance kicks in… I have some baggage I need to find a way to let go of.

I was also a semester away from a psychology degree myself before I dropped out (bad move, I know, that’s another long story) and my dad is a psychologist so we have some interesting discussions. I’ve also been a mod on another support forum for people who had/have a person with borderline personality disorder in their life. Depression was a frequent subject there along with all kinds of other things.

 

I am so sorry to hear you have hit a ruff spot in your life. I know these times can be hard. I know your husband loves you and will stick with you through this. Have you sat down and talked to him about how you are feeling and how he is reacting? Remeber communication is the key to any good relationship. I know things seems to be terrible now and they will never get better, but they will. TRUST ME. You know you have alot of people here that love you and will always stand behind you and send you kind words and hugs. PM me if you ever want to talk!


*Sends you two big giant hugs*

 

At least you recognize that you have a problem with your mood swings.

One problem I see often with people who get married is that, once they are married, they let themselves go physically. The wife loses her attractivess, as does the husband. But for a man this is very important. I don't know if this is a problem with you because I don't know you.

Both of you need to talk about things and try to reignite your relationship.

It sounds as if you are hopeful and I don't want to say "get counseling," although it may be an option.

Don't let your self-esteem be affected by what your husband thinks, either. Relationships, sadly, come and go, so think about yourself, do what is right given your situation, and don't think too much about the past except to avoid errors you have made before. Perfect yourself and your life and everything will follow.