depression

I'm pretty sure the Universe/Source/God is trying to kill me/dispose of me.

I'm the kind of person that gets the things that perpetuate indefinitely. I'm sinking into the darkness, and I'm never coming out, it's quite obvious to me at this point. I guess somewhere along the line I picked this, how cruel to follow through a decision that wasn't understood or now even remembered lol. My only option is to be completely numb, or die. If I do ever come out, hopefully I'll be the last one.

 

A perception from within the darkness is not a clear one, Neo. Just keep that in mind. This too shall pass.

I will write more later as I can't take much time right now. Good night.

 

I concur with bluesafire. I know the geography of Hell like the back of my hand. I know the way into Hell, and I know how to get out. The funny thing is that once you're in Hell, you don't WANT to get out. LOL How perverted is that?

But I know how to leave Hell, if I choose to do so. And so do you.

The universe isn't seeking your demise. And if you give it up now, what do you think waits for you on the other side? There is no escape from who we are, either on this side or the other side. No point delaying it, Neo. Might as well face it now, in this life. It must be done, sooner or later.

Not to say it's easy. I'm struggling too, Neo.

 

That IS the ticket, ain't it? All roads lead to Rome. But there is comfort and encouragement in seeing other people's stories and victories.

"Ready"...readiness is a process that is growing. It's the process - the stories - that we're here for. I can write about the process in my book. In my best moments, I realize I should savor the process and not try to rush it. It can't be rushed, of course, it unfolds as it's meant to.

But I might feel differently in the morning. LOL And that's also part of the process.

 

I don't know what is wrong with me. I constantly berate myself. I feel guilty that I berate myself. I feel guilty when I indulge in some sort of identification, even subconsciously. I feel guilty when I form attachments, regardless how innocent and well intentioned. I feel guilty at that I'm typing this. I feel guilty that I sit here in a house, comfortably warm and full, drawing breath. All I want to do is alleviate the suffering of every being in existence, and I feel guilty for it. Sometimes I feel as if I'm dying of empathy. I know the way out of hell, but I don't want to leave until everyone else has left.

I'm relentlessly punished it seems. Maybe my desires are being fulfilled haha. But at what cost to those around me? I cause as much grief as I attempt to dispell.

I don't even know why I wrote this, because it isn't even totally accurate. I'm drowning in an ocean of pain and it's like I just described a drop of it.

 

Heck, i need to quote some Eckhart later on but i'm busy today, he talks about giving this 'darkness', this 'whatever' your sustained attention ... like Deanna said zen, ... keep looking at it and it fades away; we look at it until we understand it's true nature ... and that could be an illusory nature. My own hell years back was a year and a half of me looking within myself ... there was so mutch fear of what i might find ... that i might discover aweful things about myself ... but there were none ... the skeletons in my closet were imagined, and at the end of the road of my 'dark night of the soul' was just a shining light of beauty and love and grace.
Don't take anything personally either, it's part and parcel of the human condition and the stage of evolution of conciousness we all find ourselves in.

But, more later.

 

Neo, see if you can notice these thoughts... thoughts that carry messages of berating or guilt, without BELIEVING them. See if you can just watch them come and go in your mind and not grab onto them or identify with them. Of if you do identify with them, can you observe this happening: "there I am identifying with these thoughts."

Ask yourself: IS THIS TRUE?... whatever the thought says. Is it absolutely true beyond a shadow of a doubt? Can you absolutely know that it's true?

If not, then can you consider the possibility that it's just a thought, a little whisper of a message that floats by and which you grab and hold and make your own?

Same with the emotions... can you sense the organic feeling of it WITHOUT THE STORY? There is the emotional pain.. I feel it in this part of my body.. it feels dense, heavy, low energy. Here is the sensation of it.

And what is the story that lives behind the emotion? What are the identities? Perhaps it's "Neo The Compassionate One" who carries the pain of the world in his heart, or "Neo the Martyr" or "Neo the Victim"? Can you see the identities there, the pride the ego feels at having these identities? Beneath these the ego says "I'm important". "This suffering MEANS something very noble about me." Sometimes it's very melodramatic. It all feels SO DAMN IMPORTANT AND SIGNIFICANT.

But.... if the attention is dropped from all this for just a moment, and perhaps you can focus on the tingling sensation in your hands... just simply feel the energy there.... of take a few deep conscious breaths.... or look at a plant... or tree... or flower..... watch a bird... an animal....

Can you hear the quiet hum in the room, the stillness there? All those thoughts and feelings that vie for your attention... they are unimportant. They mean nothing. They're simply thoughts. Simply feelings. Like clouds that float through the sky and are gone... let them float. Notice them, but don't attach to them. Some clouds are darker, some are lighter... they're all the same.

All this angst.... it is contained within a space of peace and tranquility. It cocoons all the thoughts, feelings, body sensations, the quickness of breath, the heavy ache in the heart, the discomfort in the gut, all the meaning we place there, all the stories we tell ourselves, stories that scare us and stories that soothe us... all contained in the space of pure stillness. The stillness has no story.. it is unconditional and benign. It is our home. It is always there, beneath the stormy waters on the surface of our Being.

 

I completely understand how my initial post concerning this probably came off, but there is no pride, and nothing noble that I feel about this. I don't feel compassionate, or a martyr, or a victim, because I don't even feel this was my decision to be this way. I'm actually a little resentful of it at times, and that effort to become numb usually forces anything I'm trying to block out towards me but in a greater force.

The sense of I'm important, or me trying to use these "noble" qualities to make myself seem attractive to myself, or more ideal, that isn't with me. I don't feel any of those things.

 

What do you feel? Please say more about that.

 

what if we are talking about an "I" that has no boundaries?

 

Neo, life is a gift to be enjoyed. Nothing wrong with empathy and lessons learned through suffering but you have the right to enjoy your time here too.

Set up a selenite protection grid just in case there is an implant attached to you. I'm not saying there is but it's better to be sure. I would also suggest keeping a journal of your life/thoughts, the highs and lows, the problems and solutions if you find them. Keep your notes simple and avoid getting poetic. Years from now they can be a useful tool in times of darkness and decision making.

You're a young man but time speeds up in your 20's. Blink your eyes and you will be 30, blink again and your youth is gone. Take steps now to create a future you can live in.

You seem to have a giving and heroic spirit, but how will you be a light for the rest of us if you are always in the darkness. Soak up some light and laugh dude.

 

Hi Mothman...I know you posted a link on a thread somewhere on making a selenite grid....could you post it again...thanks...windy.

 

Here it is.
http://www.metaphysicalrealm1.com/lggrids2.html

 

being suicidal is very scary.. don't do it! talk to someone.. there's even hotlines

 

i fucking hate life at the moment....

 

just goes to show you that outward situations don't bring happiness, the inward situation does. Happiness is an inner attribute

 

i'm not suicidal but i can't blame anyone for doing it. life's pretty much pointless

 

Life is only pointless if that's the way you see it - we find or make our own meaning - and frankly I'm looking for some myself right now. Some days are like that.

 

The mother wolf nips at her baby wolf's neck when it's annoying her.

SMACK!

this is the love of the universe, beyond all differences of pain and not pain.

Craving penetrations offer links with the self instructor's sharp
and tender love - YES