I'm gonna have to use some of these sometime. I have a lot of them, but this one comes to mind as of now. Someone says "ladies first" to you (assuming you're a guy), and you say "Right - trannies second", then go first.
I use this one all the time in regard to one of my friends... "Jason" can't come tonight because he's home fucking his mother...
I had this one e-mailed to me. Not a comeback most ppl can use but funny as hell. (If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility.... ) Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?" A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away." Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?" A: "The officer who responded to the scene." Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?" A: "Yes, sir. With my life." Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?" A: "Yes sir, we do!" Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?" A: "Yes sir, I do." Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?" A: "Yes sir." Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?" A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room." The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
I always liked "you shouldve been a blowjob"...or,"tell your mom I want my 75 cent,I gave that bitch a dollar"..or "your momma must have a stinkin ass pussy,after all these years I can still smell it on you"
Ron Burgundy: Big deal. I am very professional. Veronica Corningstone: Mr. Burgundy, you are acting like a baby. Ron Burgundy: I'm not a baby, I am a man. I am an anchorman. Veronica Corningstone: You are not a man. You are a big fat joke. Ron Burgundy: I'm a man who discovered the wheel and built the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. That's what kind of man I am. You're just a woman with a small brain. With a brain a third the size of us. It's science. Veronica Corningstone: I will have you know that I have more talent and more intelligence in my little finger than you do in your entire body, sir. Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker. Veronica Corningstone: You look like a blueberry. Ron Burgundy: Why don't you go back to your home on Whore Island? Veronica Corningstone: Well, you have bad hair. Ron Burgundy: [insulted] What did you say? I said... your hair... looks stupid.
