does anybody know any jokes

I love it

 

There was two pieces of ham walking down the street,
one said, where do you live? and the other one said...
I'm not telling you, you might steal my washing

ahahahaahahah cracks me up every time

 

What did the mystic say to the hot dog vendor?


Make me one with everything. (badum, psssh)

 

I have a maths teacher who is constantly telling jokes, so all credit for these go to him:

Why do elephants have big ears? Because noddy wouldn't pay the randsom

An inflatable boy goes to an inflattable school and one day he brings a pin in. The head teacher catches him and says
'it's not just yourself you're letting down, it's the whole school.'

sophie ellis-bexter found dead on a french footballer's floor. Police believe it was murder on zidane's floor!


A barman has a dog. It dies and he cuts it's tail off and sticks it to his wall to remind himself off it. One night he's awoken by this dreadful howling and he goes downstairs to where he stuck the tail and he sees the ghost of his dead dog.
"What's wrong" says the barman
"I've lost my tail" says the dog.
"Well how can I help?"
"Well i heard you had a licence to retail spirits"

 

Hope this hasn't already been posted...



President Bush goes to the Olympics and is shown the Acropolis.
Looking at one of the world's most famous ruins, the president grits his teeth and says, "Don't worry we'll get the bastards who did this.'
Classic!

 

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.



Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya
think you're doing?"



Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce.
Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."



Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.



He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great s**g, but
you're a real sport too." And drives off.




***************************************************************

There's an Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters.



The George says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other
day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I
didn't even know she smokes".



Then Paddy says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's
room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Jamesons.
I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."



With that Jock says " Both of you have got nothing to
worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found
packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy."




***************************************************************

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mum on top of
his Dad bouncing up and down. The mum sees her son and quickly
dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen, she dresses quickly
and goes to find him. The son sees his mum and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"



The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."



"You're wasting your time." say's the boy.



"Why is that?" asked his mum, puzzled?



"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets
on her knees and blows it back up again."




***************************************************************

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they
left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between
the railings of the fence opposite the club.



Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her
little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good
seeing to. "Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will
started

crying.



Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"



Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"




***************************************************************

A blind man enters a pub on a Ladies only night by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he
yells to the landlord, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"



The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke,
sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should
know five things: 1 the bartender is a blonde girl. 2 - The bouncer is a blonde
girl. 3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate. 4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weight lifter. 5 - The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler. Now think about it seriously,
Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

what's brown and sticky?

a stick!

a horese walks into a bar. the bartender says, 'why the long face?'

and my favorite stupid joke ever:
what did the fish say when he ran into the wall?
dam!

and as annoying as yo mamma jokes get, this one cracked me up-
yo mamma's so old, when she was born, the dead sea was just gettin sick!

 

a rabbi, a priest, and a preacher walk into a bar. the rabbi says, "hey, did you hear the one about us?"

 

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Priest, Rabbi and a Blonde all walk into a bar.

The landlord says "What is this, some kind of joke?"

 

The United States play chess against Afghanistan.Who wins?


Afghanistan.The U.s. are missing two towers.

 

I'M AN ARTIST, I DRAW FLIES


Got that from a hitcher
on the way to Bonnaroo

 

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees get bigger as they get closer.

And then it hit me.

 

Hahaha...reminds me of that episode of Father Ted when Ted is explaining to Doogle the difference between "small" and "far away"

 

what did batman say to robin before they got in the car?
*get in the car*

what happend to the apple and the pear that got arrested?
*they were remanded in custrdy* (CUSTARDy... geddit?)

how does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?
*with jam in* (jammin hahahaha)


i apololgise for my bad jokes. my sociology teacher has a habbit of telling them every lesson, these were the best of them. Says alot really doesnt it?

 

What goes "aaa"?

A sheep with no lips.


What goes "ooo"?

A cow with no lips.

...etc!

 

this thread is how i'm amusing myself on my lunch hr at wrk since my car's out of commission- everyone should post here! in the mood for jokes now, i found this website for random stupid jokes: http://www.laff.tv/jokes/jokeserver/index.htm
here are a few from the site

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"

Rejected Children's Book Titles
​

1. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking

2. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her

3. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence

4. All Cats Go to Hell

5. Daddies' Secret Girlfriends and Mommies Who Never Need to Know

 

come on guys, lets keep the jokes coming, anyone who hasn't yet posted must have a joke that isn't on here?

 

He's leaving Friday...


Who's leaving?

Robinson Crusoe!

 

Q. What's the difference between a clit and a pub?
A. You need to know where the pub is!

Or the alternative version for the girls......

Q. What's the difference between a clit and a pub?
A. Men never have trouble finding a pub!

 

Haha, classic, I love that scene :sunglasse