Eating Disorder

i completly know what ur talking about when u sed "why does everything have to revolve around food". Going out to dinner makes me nauseas because i think everybody is watching me and caring about how much i eat. plus i'm vegetarian so when i order a salad people think i do it so i wont have to eat a lot. and i get very nervous when i order my food that everyone will commemt me negitivly about what im eating. it sucks.

 

im having a hard time right now.

i just flew out to visit my dad who lives in cali and thats been fun and all. but hes on to me. I HATE IT. it seems like he just watches me eat. i feel so pressured to just eat. and he doesnt cook so its fast food. and when i get something 'healthy" (YEA RIGHT) hes like, "thats all you want? arent you going to be hungry? want a burger, too?" i just want to SCREAM "YES ITS ALL I WANT, NO I DEFINITLY WONT BE HUNGRY, AND I DONT WANT A BURGER WITH THAT!!!" but i cant. so i sweetly and politly, trying to hide the tension inside, reply with, "no thank you" or "nah im good" or something.

and here i am, hungry of course, and so i convince myself ill just go eat fruit or something. well hes got nothing here. i guess thats good though, i mean, no late night eating, but that just means toamrow ill either not eat anything or eat too much. its all i can do not to cry. and im homesick. i miss the routine i have and im feeling a little lost without it. ok, a lot lost. everyone here is so family oriantated. im used to being able to get out of dinner at home so i dont have to worry too much about eating, but here, its like the whole day is planned around 'where dinner is' and 'what were having.' i cant handle it and im feeling a real break down coming on. and i cant stop it.

sorry about the rant but ive been feeling like shit and no one to talk to. im here alone, no friends to confide in, no routine to rely on, im just floating mindlessly in a state of peril it seems.

and its so dumb. just because of food! who fuckin cares whats for dinner!! it shouldnt matter! i shouldnt even have to think twice!

i feel so helpless and im the only one that can help myself. i think i might let my mom in on my feelings when i get back because this doesnt feel good anymore. its controlling me and i never really fully realized that before. wow.

 

i understand that. i went to a birthday party today, and i had only eaten two pieces of bread and some cereal all day because i knew i'd be eating there, and i got a hummus platter and some cake... and ate one right after the other... and was SURE people were staring at me because of how much i'm eating. it didn't even occur to me that if anyone WAS looking, it was because i just dyed my hair rainbow. then i ate candy. blech. i feel like lately i've gotten a nice balance, even if it's not healthy. i'll eat when i'm hungry, but i'm not eating very much. at least i'm not fighting off hunger and thinking about food constantly, though.

but i saw the two girls i admire more than anyone, who are both insanely skinny, today, and i feel the repetative thoughts and counting (which hadn't gone away, but had faded to the background) coming back strong.

Apples+Oranjes, i've been thinking about you lots lately, and i really hope you're doing ok. i love you and i want you to be happy and healthy.

 

Damn... I thought I'd share, but I just found out I'm at 120 again.. and I'm 5'8.
I feel horrible about myself, because I know I should eat more and it doesn't make me look better or anything, but it's like a routine, and there's something inside of me that says I do have to lose weight...

It's so confusing, because I think 2 opposite things at the same time..

And Apples+Oranjes, good luck with the whole pregnancy-thing, I'm sure you're strong enough to get through it! Make sure you make the right decisions

 

my mirror is tripping me out. i was dying my hair, so i brought in another mirror so i could see the back. i put it on a box against my wall when i was done. and when i just look at my reflection, straight on, i think "i want to lose weight". but when i look at the reflection of my reflection, which shows me from the other side and is further away, i think "wow. i'm really, really skinny." it's not warping what i see, because everything is proportionate. it's just REALLY weird.

 

Okay, it's been a bit since I wrote, due to how busy and stressful my life has been as of late.

I'm glad I'm getting an abortion, because it's already taking a toll on my eating disorder and vice versa. I'm not really gaining weight, though, my stomach IS starting to protrude more so than it ever would, and it's bothering me. I don't know why it bothers me, because in some ways I want to GAIN weight... but then when I do, I freak out.

The healthy part of me knows I should gain a few pounds, but then the disordered part of me won't allow it. I did 750 situps the night before last, and I'm pregnant. I felt absolutely physically terrible afterwards, but I couldn't stop once I started going because I was so upset about the way I looked.

I know for a fact if I kept this pregnancy, it wouldn't end well. At 4-5 weeks along, I'm already getting upset and anxious about the way I look, and I'm already feeling physically terrible. I plan on working harder at recovery when this is all over, especially because now because of what I have been dealing with, some odd intense fears have risen as a result.

I too, have an issue with mirrors and the like. My dad told me on the 4th that I was the skinniest I've ever been and that I'm all skin and bones, but then why can't I see it? All of my relatives were telling me to gain some weight as well, and I really wish I could see what they're seeing... because everytime I look in the mirror, I look chubby. But then, there are those odd, far and few between times that I look at myself, and I think "Oh my god...this is scary, I gotta gain some weight".... and minutes later I will look again, and see differently.

It's utterly fucking confusing.

And I cant get my thoughts straight right now.

 

apples i am so sorry. i cant even imagine the stress you must have on yourself right now.

does your family know you are pregnant?

 

Sorry it took so long to respond I haven't been able to get on much.

My family knows yes, but I had the procedure done on Friday and it went just fine. I'm feeling myself again.

It was stressful yes, but nothing I can't handle.

 

hmmm

 

you seem very thourough in what you had to say 'myself,' so i guess youve got that going for you?


these last couple weeks have been hell. my grandma is catching on to 'somthing irregular' about the way i eat. holy freakin crap.

 

I've been doing "better".... not where I should be yet, especially emotionally.

Physically I'm eating much better than before, but I feel terrible for doing so, even though at the same time, I'm proud I'm doing well. Everything that I feel inside feels like a heap of contradictions.

But I'm dealing with it.

I just became too sick and tired of things bringing me down.... there's too much to live for.

 

well heres my update:

im visisting my dad in california, so its a total change of surroundings and i have to get used to things. i never realize how ocd i am about things being in place until im not at home and have to make everything "right."

one of the things not "right" is that i dont have somewhere to..um.. purge. im used to the upstairs bathroom tucked away a bit, but here, in this ranchstyle house, its trickier. ive learned that its best to do it in the shower with the water. lets just say i dont think ive ever been so clean. :/ and ive worked out SO hard. my body just aches. its painful to get up and move but somehow, when im runnig my next mile, the pain is just how it always is: im tired and thirsty, but i can run one more lap.

i guess i feel good but i dont. im really into psychology so i was reading in depth about bulimia and so many things are true about me that i didnt realize before. one of the 'symptoms' was that the person craves intimacy but is terrified of it. this couldnt be more true. everynight, i miss that one guy; yet when another one comes along, i get turned off so fast and even disgusted. i almost think, if a guy likes ME, then somethings wrong with HIM. writign this i know that sounds mopey and sad and stupid but i truely beleive it.

so thats how i am.

 

hmmm

 

i'm just checking in, because i haven't posted in a while, to tell you all that i love you and i hope you're all doing good.

in life i am fine but in context of this thread i'm getting "worse". oh well.

i love you guys so much. do what's good for you, whatever that means.

 

I've had anorexic tendancies since I was 13-14. I've "recovered" and relapsed more times than I can count.

And right now it's getting really bad. I typically get 100-300 calories a day.

I want to recover, but I don't want to recover. I don't know how to cope without this disease.

~Layla

 

welcome to the problem, (well i gues youve had it for a while, so welcome to the realization of the real problem). i want to recover. i want to wake up every morning not go through the stressful routine of:

what am i going to eat? when am i going to eat it, and how can i possibly not eat it? how will i get rid of it? will i get rid of it? and i go through that the rest of the day. all day.

but at the same time, this is strange to say, i look forward to my ritual of planning. i feel good when ive carried through with what ive done.

 

i throw up every now n then after ive had a huuuuuuge feed and i know im goin to chuck it up. better to get it out manually then wait til it comes on its own. hope that doesnt offend anyone.

 

*sigh*
dietcoketree, I like the way you described it as "the stressful routine" pretty much, because that is what it is more so than anything.
Behaviors, and physical well being are only a tiny part of it... While it puts you at more physical danger than anything, it is an emotional/mental problem more than anything.

I have been eating fairly well... still not where I should be, it's usually still under 1000 calories a day, anywhere from 500-800, though thats a lot more than I was eating before... and even though it's still not very much, the fact that I am eating more has been bothering me and stressing me out so much I cannot even describe in words.

The past few weeks, since I have been eating better, I've had days where I just explode into tears and I can't explain to anyone why I am so upset, because when I try to... all I hear is "Well you're not fat"
It's not about that anymore, and it probably never really was.

I haven't gained any weight back really, but yet I feel bigger because I'm eating more... so it's taking a toll on me. My pants fit the same, the scale says the same, but in that distorted part of my head, I'm SO certain that I gained and that I am bigger, and now I'm feeling my relapse falling backwards yet again.

I'm trying to keep eating semi-well and the whole lot, but I feel like I just CAN'T anymore.

The worst part of it, is that because others think I'm eating better, they don't understand that the emotional turmoil is still there, so it's not easy to talk to anyone.

Sometimes, no matter how bad this sounds, this is how I feel.... I feel like when I feel so terrible like this, I feel like I need to lose more weight simply so I can get help... so someone sees something doesn't feel good inside. If that makes any sense. Because I don't know how to say it in words, showing it on the outside is the only way I can seem to express the way I feel inside. It's very very weird, and very irritating because I know how ridiculous it is, but I just don't know what else to do.

I've never been good at talking about my eating disorder to anyone besides you guys on here, because I feel like those who haven't struggled with it won't understand...and they won't because it IS something you have to experience firsthand to really "get"

Even with my therapist it is hard to explain to her, because even though I know she could probably help me, I don't know if she really understands what I'm going through, since she never has experienced it, and she hasn't really experienced therapy with people who have eating disorders.

Finding an ED counselor around here is difficult,and the ones that do exist have royally pissed me off.

Anyway, I feel a bit better than I did a few months ago, but I am still too obsessive about it for my own good. I'm constantly counting calories in my head throughout the day and if a package says 200 calories or more I won't even touch it. I will only eat until my tummy doesn't HURT from hunger, but I don't actually fill myself the way I should...

My fiancee still sees it I guess. And somehow I think I may be convinced that I am better when I'm not... I have been saying to him for the past couple weeks that I'm eating better and he gets quiet and says "I guess... a little..."
Why the hell am I not seeing what he's seeing?

That's scary to me, because... it makes me wonder if I'm just growing numb and used to this disorder.

It's like.. .I say I'm doing better and I "feel" a bit better, but then I think about it again, and I think that maybe it's just something that I've grown accustomed to rather than actually fixing the problem. I don't know how else to explain that.

And I know that can happen, with me anyway, because when I was at my worst when I was about 12-13 years old, I lost a ton of weight, and was sick for a very long time, however, I didn't even feel it anymore after a while... everyone saw it, because I was so thin, and apparently didn't eat that much, but I felt "fine"

I am becoming more obsessive with exercise, as I start to eat a little more, and I don't know how to control it because it's the only thing that makes me feel more at ease with food. Not only because of the whole calorie issue, which is totally just an exterior issue... but, also because exercise just takes my mind off everything, and makes me happier so I don't have to think and obsess about any of it anymore for a while.

I have been doing like 1000 sit ups a night, and I have thigh cruncher in which I'll usually do about 300 of those, and I've been doing many push ups and arm curls as well. I've been trying to stray away from walking/running, because I know how addicted/obsessed I become with running...so much so that it's dangerous. I used to run for hours and hours at a time because I just couldn't stop myself... so I am trying not to get in the habit of that again... but now I feel like it's being replaced by conditioning exercises or something.

I have been wanting to quit smoking for health reasons and I simply can't because I have this intense fear that I'm going to gain a bunch of weight if I do.

For a while I was thinking of cutting artificial sweeteners like Splenda and other aspartame type sugars out of my diet because they are sooo bad for you, but I am literally afraid of real sugar right now, so I can't. This morning as I was putting the Splenda in my coffee my hunnie said, "I though you were going to quit using that" and I replied, "Yeah, but I still haven't grown used to black coffee, and I don't like all the calories/fat in sugar" and he was like "Oh so you'd rather have cancer than calories" and the worst part is, I feel like I do sometimes...that sounds retarded, but ...my fear of weight gain is so intense I can't even put it into words.

But, it's not an issue with vanity... the weight gain represents things to me.

Ok I'm shutting up now.

 

I dunno know disorder I have, but it's basically dysmorphic body image. I look at myself and "see" a fat girl in the mirror.

Usually there is one thing or another than I can find wrong.

I was a dancer in my teens and used to stare at my body all the time, lots of opportunity to pick up on what was "wrong".

When I was 98lbs, my hips stuck out. Rather than believe I needed to GAIN weight, I figured I needed to "shave off" some of my hip bones.

Now, I have some stretch marks from pregnancy on my hips, scars from surgeries, flabby belly from 5 babies, no boobs and bad skin.

I take phentermine to manage my weight, always have, always will. I know it's messed up, but I'd rather embrace my dysfunction than spend 30 years in therapy trying to undo it. I just don't have the time.

I also likely will go under the knife to fix the boob and belly problem. Again, it's completely vain and self serving. I'm not above that. Again, coming to terms with complete acceptance of all my flaws is not something I have the time to do. I do pick my battles.

 

No offense, SoggyGranola, but please try to watch your behavior around your children. One of the main causes of eating disorders is upbringing and picking up on parents' behaviors [as well as a bit of genetics]

I don't want to sound like a bitch, but, saying you don't have time to work on it is the worst part of your problem. And if you don't want to do it for yourself... do it for your kids.

Don't get me wrong, I understand completely how you feel... but to just give up... blah, that just doesn't sit right with me.