fear of intimacy

this gave me tears in my eyes since i can so completely identify with it. also was really useful. i am gonna ask Meg on Tuesday about it. Did you find out about EMDR and then insist on it or did your therapist suggest it?


Thanks for the info on the PTSD.....it was helpful for me. seems it shares alot with BPD. i dont feel i am delusional like BPD suggests however and I dont have suicidal tendencies. your description here helps me out a whole lot.

I feel very blessed that you posted. thank you so much.
How long have you been going through therapy? did you always have the problems of PTSD but the thyroid problem pushed you over the edge to get help?

 

so basically being empowered is the main thing that has been the most help?????
Andy, my partner, tells me that I need that...as did Arianna's counselor and my own. It's neat to see so many people who understand. Most people can't understand.

 

I've been on the celexa three months, started when I got laid off and have been on the wellbutrin for a couple of years. I cut both doses in half every other week. I should be weened off of both of them in about two more weeks.


When I got laid off they also put me on seroquil (for sleeping and not 'splitting' while I sleep) and kolonopin. I quit both of those cold turkey last month because I was just a freaking zombie who could not hold a conversation and I started to abuse the kolonopin. Those I had no withdrawls from.

God Marie I just can't wait to get off all this crap. They just throw it at you so easily, saying being so tired you can't function or articulate your thoughts is just a 'side-effect'.

Also I was thinking about how much I spend to make sure there aren't chemicals or hormones in my foods and it made no sense that I am spending all that money to be chemical free while I am willingly swallowing chemicals (and relativley unstudied ones at that) every morning.

 

You do alot of the organic shopping too? Excellent makes a huge difference

I am so proud of you and what you are doing for yourself. do you have a strong support system? Have people never understood when you explain what is wrong with you OR are you someone who kept it to herself?

My ex was on wellbutrin. I hated that shit.

 

Thanks I am glad we are both doing well. Funny world eh?

How did he act different on the Welbutrin?
I have a really great support system and have a really nice group of girlfriends, who are great and a little crazy too. My mom is happy now that I am getting rid of all the meds, she wasn't at first. Is your family supportive of therapy?
I had a hard time with people understanding because the few people I did tell did not understand, blamed me for what happened, or even accussed me of lying now I keep it to myself. A couple of my best friends know but I don't talk about it.
Last spring it just clicked that I am the only person who needs to know what is going on in my head and I don't owe my healthiness to anyone but myself. I always thought I owed people something-my body, me still being a mess to make them feel better, my time. Getting over that and realizing I still have friends afterwards just really enhanced my self-esteem.
I live in a really green friendly part of the county. Our town has more organic foods stores than normal ones. Do you know of anything natural that replaces the medications a bit and helpes with PMS?

 

He just got really angry alot, blood pressure would rise and he was just a bear to live with.

My family is very supportive. They know that I think and analyze more than anyone they have ever known in their lives. Also they see my push and pull pattern with my partner, Andrew, whom they absolutely think is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I think that too in many ways but in some ways he drives me crazy. We are both very deep thinkers and the subject matter gets too overwhelming sometimes. Also, I have always worked and had a big social network as well as my family around. In April I moved 350 miles away from my family and into Andrew's home so that I could weed through some of my head shit and also to be a stay-at-home mother with my daughter who was also exhibiting many many anger problems. Sometimes she would get so angry she would glaze over and there was someone else looking through her eyes. It was really scary. Anyway....so I moved away from my home to be here. I love Andrew but sometimes feel we are too similiar and I get feeling suffocated. I wonder if if the suffocatedness is do to not being out in the world and being with people other than the kids and Andy or if its the thickness of the convos we have all the time as well as his Tantric nature or its my addiction to wanting to think and find things wrong...happy is hard for me, though its what i want more than anything. Sex and intimacy are so very important to him and if we aren't in harmony in that fashion, it causes him discontent. That's part of my going to counseling. He is a beautiful spirit. I have learned so very much from him and want to hear my own voice, want to find my peace and harmony within so that I am able to offer him half of what he offers me. However sometimes it becomes difficult because although he is super patient and understanding, I can FEEL his needs and desires and they piss me off. There is alot to get worked through in my head. I know that most of this is probably my desire to run and to find problems in the relationships that I am in. The last guy I dated I was so excited to meet....got to hanging out and ended up just picking him apart to where he had to leave for his own health. As soon as he left I got myself together and centered and knew I had lost a soulmate. I don't want the same with Andy. I want to find my place of peace and fulfillment within myself but its hard when you know the other needs you in an intimate way. I can understand his confusion at times because I will get so close and so turned on by him that I will absolutely be filled to the brim with us and happiness....then as I have said, within days, I lose it again. I hate that I do that and I know he hates it too. I know I am not good for him and keep trying to let him know that its ok to leave but he loves me and sees how hard I am trying and sees my going to counseling and attempting to start these classes so he feels we can work through all of this. And I do too. I really do...I have grown so much already and I know that I wouldnt be taking all of these steps to make myself whole. So whatever happens with him and myself, he is my best friend and the smile that makes all the difference in the world to me.
So yes, my family is supportive. I don't want to give my daughter the instability I had growing up and I don't want to mess with anyone else's head or heart in all of this as well.
I have had a few things in my life that have caused this, I suppose, so many of my friends are very supportive and understand that I feel the way I say I do but they don't understand from experience. Instead they think I am super strong and have gotten through so much. "Tough as nails" is what they call me. If they only knew. I would rather not have this tough exterior and have a full happy heart then to be stuck in my head.
Is there anything specific that brought your issues on that you have pinpointed? I know we have all had difficulties in our lives and have always told that to people but I am beginning to see how I could have been affected in such a damaging way.
Glad you have so much organic food. That rocks. Andy works at Whole Foods here in town so we get wonderful discounts. Don't do all the shopping there as we can't afford it but do on the things that absolutely matter.
I am not sure as far as the PMS....I do know that there is a raspberry tea called Moontime(I think) which if drinked a couple times daily throughout the month helps to regulate the hormones. I just smoke a bowl and feel better that way lol....or go to sleep.

 

I wrote a response this morning and then got a 'this page cannot be displayed'. grrrrrrrrr

That's great that your family is so supportive and likes Andy so much. It must have been hard for them to be happy knowing they wouldn't get to see you and Arianna eaveryday. Do you get to make it home often?
I hear you about being the same, but you guys seem like all of your similar qualities are good ones. You guys just sound so lucky to have found each other! I almost moved for somone in a relationship but had this gut feeling that turned out to be right. It's so funny because a couple months before I got laid off and would have been able to move things ended, mostly because of the distance. It's so true when they say everything happens for a reason because I have changed so much to the point where there would be no chemistry or even a basis for a friendship anymore despite what a great person he can be. Being laid off has been the biggest growing experience for me, partially because I needed some humiliaty and some time to do some soul searching,
I was in a long relationship with somone who I was similar to but we had all of our bad habits in common; addictive personalities, insecurity, an over-inflated but false ego. I really wish he and I could still be friends because we were together for the better part of six years, but unfortunatley I wasn't the best person and he is unwilling to forgive me even though I have forgiven him.

I thought is was just one horrible incident that triggered my ptsd but as it developed into multiple personalities I learned that I was repeatedley sexually abused by a teenage neighbor from about 4-8. It's amazing what our minds keep hidden from us for our own protection.

That's funny that you mention that. Everyone thought I was happy as a clam until I got drunk one night and spilled my life story to very close friends who should have known a lot earlier. I was just masking my feelings with pills and shopping and superficial crap. It's so funny because I feel so much more confident now without all that armour on but still sometimes have a hard time even going to the store because I think people are judging me and thinking I look horrible or that I am going to slip and fall...just really irrational things. It's taking a long time to become comftrable in my own skin.

What's NC like? I know you guys have a lot of birdwatchers. We have a store in town that is all bird stuff made in NC.

 

Wow, thanks again for sharing. I am loving getting to know your story more.

Something that is difficult for Andy and I is that we each have a child that lives with us. Sylvi's mother is a gypsy hippie and isn't living here and Arianna's dad is in Maryland. So we don't get the luxury of having no children around very often at all. I can't even count five times, I don't think. And we never got the opportunity to date so the chemistry thing isn't the same that it would have been had we had the opportunity to know one another in responsible-free zones. But we do our best and continue to work through things to draw closer to one another in all ways. We are lucky to have found one another and now its just working through the parts of ourselves that need to come to compromises.

When I moved down here, it wasnt a head or a heart decision. It was a gut one and listening to the signs of the universe. Everything just started lining up and all these synchronicities kept happening letting me know I was following the correct path. I feel good about that though I want to run like hell sometimes.

Six years, Holy crap. I have never made it past four of them. My dad told me when I get to the four year mark to go take a vacation without Andy and come back refreshed like its a new relationship. Haha. My brother said it is because Dad doesnt want me to move back home(he was just kidding)

Wow girl. You had a lot trapped in that head of yours. That must have been a huge flood of relief for you to release all of that. Drunk helps in that way. Though I used to drink and do it so much that I would go to blackout stage. Again, I find it strange that you mentioned having things blocked because I have most of my memory of being younger than 13 blocked. I get it back in bits and pieces here and there. But most of it is gone. Not sure if that is because that is when my mother was in a car accident that left her brain damaged(she is still alive in a nursing home unable to take care of herself) or if there are other contributing factors. But the memories are starting to return bit by bit.

North Carolina? Oh I love it here. People are so awake and conscious and so much more at ease than they were in Maryland, which is located right around DC...making people too sped up and nervous. I love it here. There is so much to do and its so free. I could go on and on but I have to get ready to go to the counselor and the gym. I hope you have a wonderufl day. Where did you say you were from again? I was confused because I don't know that I know where that is.

And by the way, i hate when I get that message of your post can't go through. It seems to always happen on the really big responses too. You pour your heart out, it doesnt go through and then you dont have the same responses to give because you have already released it. very frustrating.

 

I'm from California. I thought you knew and were kidding before that you didn't know where I am from. I'm sorry.

What did Sylvi do before you moved there? How great for her to have a full-time mother figuire in the house now. How do she and Arianna get along?

Gut decisions are the best. How smart of you to follow that intuitive drive. I must admit that is not one of my storonger qualities. I am a head person and it always gets me in trouble because I hardley ever listen to my heart...and when I do it's at the expense of my head...neither can make desicions or co-exist in peace. They are always fighting one another.
Do you have a hard time when the memories start coming back? I know I did at first but now it seems like thay are a life time away and play an irrelevant role in who I am today, even though I know nothing can be further from the truth.
Hah...yeah six years...5 and a half years too long. After six months I remember getting ready for this diving trip I was going on with my college and him getting crazy jealous and I got a feeling that I needed to leave him. Throughout our relationship his jealousy became more and more apparent and stifled my development as a grown woman, especially when he and I were living together. Towards the end of our relationship I bgan to question whether or not he was on the up and up in his financial dealings or if some of his money was through illegal activities, tax evasion, coke smugeling all that crap...I just thought he was a really good real estate agent and contractor...god I was so naive.

Now I am a commitment phobe, it's horrible.

Are you going to go on a four year celebatory trip? Where to?

I was swearing when my message didn't go through...intimate thoughts lost in cyberspace...odd world

 

you know, you will laugh at me. its one of those brain farts and mixing up stuff in my head. you had a pic of cali up with a martini glass....ahahahaha....i dont know why my brain associated it with italy but it did. holy crap...thats funny stuff.
before i came sylvi would go to her uncles house after school and her grandmother's on the weekend. she's so glad she doesn't have to do that any longer. Her and Arianna get along splendidly. They have both blossomed quite a bit since having one another in their lives. Sylvi has toughened up some and Arianna has come out so much. They call one another Sister too. It's so sweet. Their hearts would break if we didn't make this thing work.
Gut decisions do seem best. Neither of the other things get in the way but then you always second guess. Least I do. But then I have affirmations. Yesterday we were so busy doing chores and signing Arianna up for dance and taking things to good will. That sort of thing. I got in the car after donating and was thinking how wonderful a day it was, how lucky I am to have so much freedom and how I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for being here with Andy. Just counting my blessings. Then I looked to my left and there was a falcon standing on the sign (right in the middle of the city) and it took flight. It's the weirdest thing, falcons and hawks seem to appear quite often to me, in strange places, when I have thunk a thought. It blows my mind.
No, I am so excited when I recall little things but I haven't had anything scary or shattering yet. Don't know if there is anything horrifying to be recalled but common sense seems to say yes that there is.
Do you have any contact with your ex? Had you lived with one another? And sure, I bet you are scared of the commitments now. But when its right things will change for you or you will change for it, whatever is necessary

Haha. I don't know if I would be able to go anywhere, but it sure would be nice. Screw 4 years, I wish to do it now. I would like to go to India or Ireland or Alaska. I know that is diverse but those are the places I would like to see first. How about yourself? Have you travelled? Where would you like to go?

 

I was lucky enough to travel when I was younger...because now I am broke and can't...blah. I have a lot of family in the UK so I spent some summers over there. When I was really young I went around europe, but don't remember much. As an adult I have been on a few cool diving trips in Mexico, just got back from Rosarito and Puerto Nuevo-I went with some girlfriends over Christmas. I like Vegas a lot, was planning on going for New Year's eve but got food poisining from Mexico.
I was also born in Germany-military brat. I remember you saying you were born there too.
I have friends who go to school in San Francisco and an ex who lives in Napa so I get to travel up north a lot ( I live near Orange County, just above San Diego)
For my prior job I got to travel around the US as a conference speaker,so I've been to almost every state. I get to go to Portland in April for a conference.
I really want to go to the Galapagos Islands-that is my dream. I want to be a therapist so I think when I am done with my MFT i will go there as a reward.
I just love to travel.
That is so heart warming that Arianna has a sister now. I was an only child and I always dreamed of my mother remarrying to somone with girls.

I do not have any contact with my ex fiance-haven't in months. Invited him over as a friend to watch a movie, smoke a bowl and hang and he assummed I wanted to have sex and kept coming on to me so I asked him to leave. He and I lived together off and on. I lived in his house for a year and then I had a condo and he moved in with me while I was putting it on the market just because the area was so bad that I was a little scared, then I moved in with him again. He is very loud, very patriarchal and bossy so i couldn't stand living with him. He's a pot head too-early morning till bed time and sometimes waking up to smoke. It was too much for me and he started to sound stupid after years of smoking like that. I am an occasional user but can't stand pot heads.
I don't have any contact with my ex boyfriend who I had a longterm long distance relationship with. I have sent him little notes that I wish him well, forgive him and all that just to clear my consience and let him know that I really want everything in life to happen for him and to let him know I am doing okay.
How is it with you and your ex. Are you guys on good terms?

 

There is noone in my life that I am not on good terms with. We might spat or go at one another with claws all out but in the long run we tend to make friends again. I'm good friends with Arianna's dad now. Though I still have to remember in my head that he is a liar and what I see is not necessarily what I get. But he has grown so much and has really stepped up to the plate with her.

Sounds like you have left relationships that you have needed to. Have you ever spent time alone? Without dating, just getting to know yourself and having the freedom of not needing another?

 

That is a very graceful way of life. Something I need to work on.

I have been alone since September now and am enjoying myself. I am dating here and there but am not going to jump into a relationship until I am 100 percent whole and healthy. I have also been practicing celibacy and am thinking of maybe not having sex until I know I will marry the person. I have been celibate since september now. It is very hard but very worth it and vitile to me healing and owning my body once again. I find that I am a much better person when I am alone and have no right to join another person's life until i can be a healthy and whole addition to it. I am noticing a change, slowly but it's adding up in a big way. I just have to work on getting my confidence back and not needing somone else to bolster that. I have set some goals to help me with that, achievements makrked out through milestones to reclaim the person I was as a teenager. I was so healthy and happy then and had so many hobbies and interests. My biggest goal I am working on right now is training for a 5k I will be running in April.
What are some things you did while alone to facilitate your healthiness? I want to progress and work as hard as possible so I am constantly seeking ideas and advice.

 

OH lord, my healthiness. Shoot when I am all alone I am healthy and whole or at least I feel that I am and I feel that I am ready for a relationship. Then I get into it, the same issues arise and I realize that I am not whole at all. The relationships in a way help me to work past parts of my personality that are in need of assistance. So, unfortunately I am not in a position to answer this at all. I wish I were but I am just trying to find my own way.
The easiest thing I can think of though would be to wake each day and to 'create your day'; wake with happiness and gratitude knowing how blessed you truly are; and just ask the universe or God or whatever you feel is bigger than you(or yourself, which is what I have been asking lately) to show you what you need and to please bring it your way.

Have you ever seen What the Bleep do We Know?

 

I like that, "creating our own day'. That sounds hopeful. I'm going to try that tommorow morning.

No I haven't seen that. Is it a movie?

 

Yeah, it is a movie. It's about Quantum Physics so its a bit deep but its how it relates to our feelings, our actions and the world around us. I feel its a must see, to tell you the truth. Some people dig it and some people don't even give it a chance but it really helps you to realize exactly how much of your own life you truly control, even down to a molecular level. You will be amazed if you are open to it. I have a friend though who would not open her mind to it since it puts her destiny in her own hands.
That's where the phrase 'create your day' came from. May it be a great one full of blessings