Feelings of dark, blackness.

It sounds like you were very attached to the deceased. The greater our attachment the more unhappy we are when impermanence is proven/revealed.

That is, of course, quite right. Great sadness doesn't feel any good but it is the truth of the moment.

Try to think back how you handled it last time. If it was beneficial try it again. If not try something different.

And yet you are closing in on 5,000 posts on this forum alone.
Sharing a conversation with family, friends or even professional is not a 'burden'. Both sides will prob benefit. Seems you are able to ask for help here. We are limited by not knowing you.
Holding onto a black pit will just weigh you down.

Perhaps a healthy lifestyle physically but your comments here indicate you are not in a good heart and head space.

The "Great Scheme of Things" can wait. Priority now is to address your current situation.
(BTW, 'Void' is not some "evil" monster).

 

@ Faelix. Thx for your post. Yeah I follow what you're saying. But the last time I had this situation was nearly 20 yrs ago. The feeling isn't something I choose, either consciously or not.

Likewise @ Faelix and Calgirl, ok I could hypnotise myself/ reprogram, but I feel that would be ignoring the basis of the problem.

@Eon.
Yes the deceased is important to me. Last time was different, I didn't feel like I should have insisted/ or pressured my view.

I know 5k posts, but other than anger/sadness in a couple, my time was largely with a very different mood. I'm just not the talking to people type.

You are right. I feel in a worse mood today, than Sat. But 1st thing on Sat I felt good, as I have for nearly 20yrs more or less.

Yes but it feels evil, all consuming. I can't see it in any other way.
I want to see it as an elevator to somewhere else. But all I see at the moment is what I feel.

 

Reprogram isn't the method I suggested. A mental shift, an epiphany, are proven techniques. People use them in business, and competing in sports. It takes long hard thoughts, and EFFORT. As I see it now, you just want to repeat that none of us can help you.

 

Sorry, I was sort of rewriting you in a wrong way. Thanks for your advice, I don't want to seem unappreciative
I do feel shit, but I feel that I should feel that way ie that I deserve to.
Altho other people may struggle with that. But people are right, time can change some/ much of this. As it did, in a different way, nearly 20 years ago, and regained a conviction + belief in things. Things happened very quickly this time. Thanks once again for your posts.

 

If the image was powerful enough to plant that darkness inside of you then your only hope is to find something beautiful.

Like how it got there, you most likely told yourself about the darkness correct? Find something you love, makes you happy, turns that bad day upside-down. Then make that image the most beautiful thing you can conceptional.

 

You deserve it? Are you saying as a punishment, or because it's a legitimate dark experience? You had a sudden turn that disrupted 20 years of belief. You ask for how we deal with it. Day by day! It becomes the new normal, until things turn again.

 

Yes as a punishment for not taking charge of the situation.I had some horrible drawn out debates with the rest of my family, where I was told it wasn't my call re treatments.

I still feel I should have pressured them into my approach. I can be the most forceful character I know(if I want to be), but I didn't. I only wanted whats best for who's not here now.

20 yrs ago(well nearly that) I promised myself "never again". So now I think "what sort of person breaks a promise to themselves?".

OK, its been near 3 days now.If there's a chink of light, it will be to try to treat it like last time. Maybe the only thing that can help me a lot is more time. But all your comments have been helpful in getting to this stage.

 

Ok, so you wanted a lost loved one to get treatment, but they didn't and now they are gone, and you have regrets that you didn't push harder. 20 years ago you learned this lesson already, and that compounds todays' regret.

Yes, time will inevitably help. So cliche, huh!? Yet, you also have no choice but to live with the pain because of time. So time hurts too.

Grieving support groups might help.

 

They had all the normal treatment, and the view of everyone else was"nothing else can be done, this is for the best". But I saw it differently. Everything 20yrs ago, doesn't drag me down.But this was another era etc where I feel responsible.

I know groups and stuff isn't my thing. Infact, talking about stuff isn't mine either.
I'm more switch off the phone, tell everyone I'm out.