He won't touch me- unrealistic expectations?

Ana,

my coping mechanisms are masturbation and when I'm hurting too much, I come on the internet to vent a bit on a forum like this, get things off my chest. Just the venting makes a lot of difference. Somehow, after writing about things, they hurt less for a while.

My husband is very particular about sex. He could have nothing else, but blowjobs. He's the happiest person in the world when I'm giving him oral sex.

I felt in love with him too fast, madly in love with him. I still love him and, if anything, I love him more than when that passion sparked for the first time. I also think he's the best person I know and I don't wanna live without him.

Making him happy makes me happy, just like the cliché saying. I enjoy giving him what he loves so much, his blowjobs. I do it for him as often as he wants and whenever he's in the mood and for as long as he wants.

He's not attracted to vaginas in the least. Not mine and not others. He didn't know this when we met, because I'm the first woman he's ever had sex with. And I had never met a man who didn't like vaginas before. He's the only man I know who doesn't like vaginas. You know, people like to say if a woman loves a man and he's virgin, she'll be patient. Well, I was. I had never fucked a virgin before. I thought I had to be patient, that it was normal he was so bad in bed. I'd tell him things, tell him what I liked. He'd get it wrong, not do it. I'd forgive, forget, not make a big deal of it. I'd show my vagina, explain the parts, what felt good, touch myself to show him. He'd get it wrong. I'd let it go, afraid also to push him too much. He had problems to keep an erection. I didn't wanna make things worse. I tried to work on his self-esteem, very low at the time and forgot my own pleasure. It was about the man I loved and who had no experience. It was about the proverbial patience people like to say women who love their men should have.

Communication was never a problem. We've always talked very openly about everything and we don't like arguments, so, we talk like the civilized people we are.

Sometimes I think men just pretend to like vaginas, to get laid. But perhaps that's just me being sick in my mind, because of my situation. I don't even believe anymore when a man seems to like my vagina. In my mind I go like "ok, we're about to fuck, no need to lie to me."

When we're doing something sexual, if it isn't about him, very intense to him, he loses his erection. Pleasing me, or any other woman, makes him lose his erection and spoils the fun for him. So, if I demand some attention, a touch on my clit (I only have clitoral orgasms), some oral sex, he'll be very frustrated and the experience won't be good to him.

Recently, on a time of a lot of frustration, I decided to divorce. For the sake of answering to the bullies/women haters of Hipforums before they come with their usual comments, I'll add this: I make more money than my man, had property before we've met and he moved in with me, not the other way around. Both of us make more money than we spend and could buy another property any time we wanted. I have enough savings on my own to buy a house cash. So, when I decided to divorce and since I'm not attached to our house, I started to look for a property to buy.

That got him really scared, because he realized it was going to happen. And he started to please me in bed. We've been together for 20 years. Now I'm finally also on the receiving end of oral, or I get some fingering. He's evolved to a stage where he doesn't always lose his erection when he's pleasing me, as long as I keep doing to him what I do (giving oral, mainly). Sometimes he does, sometimes he just loses it a little bit.

I don't think he suddenly started to love vaginas. It's just that he had to deal with it.

Why am I telling you this?

I love this man. I understand love. I understand when one says leaving a man isn't an option and it has nothing to do with money. People tend to think all women sticking by a man are there out of financial despair, or because of children. We don't have children. I just love him.

And things are better now.

But, in spite of things getting finally better, I regret it so much. I regret not leaving him. I wish I had the guts to face losing the man I love. I wish I'd divorce him. We'd be friends, I'm sure, because we are very reasonable people.

I wish I'd give myself the opportunity to find a man who'd be passionate about my sexuality, who'd think my pleasure is as important as I think the pleasure of my husband is. I wish I'd give myself the opportunity to be loved like I love him. The physical love, because he does love me, just not my sexuality.

That won't happen, probably. I'm still here after 20 years of being with him.

You could be me in 20 years.

I'm a confident woman, attractive, successful and married to a man I love more than words can say (it's cliché, I know, but it is true). I also have sex with other men, because we're in an open relationship. Life is good... and yet.

It sounds strange when I say I'm confident, but I am. Even though I lost the belief men care about a woman's pleasure, I know it's just because of my own experience with my husband, some kind of emotional trauma, and I don't think it's something wrong with me. It's just the way things are. People are selfish.

If I was at the beginning and I knew how it'd be about the sex, I'd have given up the relationship. And I'd never, ever wanna have anything to do with a man who was virgin, because that was part of the problem. We both talked about it and we thought it was something all men went through, like he needed time, etc, etc, etc... nowadays, if a man doesn't excel in the first 5 minutes, I put my clothes back on and leave.

Well, the story is there, for what it's worth.

 

I have to chime in here. My first post after lurking in a few of the sections for a while.

I do not believe you should try to hang on to this relationship any longer.

Some men are born lovers, some men grow into it and some men just don't get it.

I am in the best relationship of my life now for the last 9+ years. I've been with many other women that just don't match the passion and drive that my wife and I have. Sure we have our ups and downs, but sex is always at least good! To be honest; it was the sexual attraction that has kept use together at times.

I love my wife's body...every inch of it! There is not a single spot on her that I have not touched, licked, sucked or whatever. There is nothing off limits for us! I enjoy pleasing her and she enjoys pleasing me! She could probably count on one hand the times we've had sex and she didn't orgasm.

I'm not trying to brag about how good my sex life is, but I am trying to show you that there are people out there that can have awesome sex! It takes some time to find the right person. My wife was actually pretty naive about sex when we first met. She had never even experience an orgasm before me. Now, she literally soaks the sheets most times.

Find the right person by trial and error. Don't be too quick to jump right back into a relationship. End it now or get sucked into the current one even further.

 

I can't say I have ever met a man who didn't like the V. Maybe some do say they like it to get sex as you thought,,, they do call it a clam and a whole bunch of other names when with their buddies so quite possible hey.
Whether they do like em or not I have always been told mine is awesome and feels so nice touching it and being in it. His touch makes me believe it and with my X's I always found the same. They want to touch me there, play with it, even when not really about to go at it. My BF now is always touching my ass or my V for a cheap feel and to be a tease and such.
So, true or not if a guy can't say he enjoys it I would be worried, koodos on you for sticking it out as long as you have with him but I am hard on this one,,, a guy loves every bit of his gain or he sends it all back where he found it. That's me.
What I love about a man is his attention to every bit of me, my mind, my body and my soul. I like when my guy can tell I am not in a good mood, when I am in a great mood and such because it means he knows me and can feel what's going on. If he didn't want to touch anything, anything at all on me I would be worried.

 

Its what she's not telling you, thats where you will find the answers you seek

 

I can't answer for Iamawoman, but in my case, I have never thought monogamy was something good. My parents weren't exclusive and I've never thought exclusivity was something important. I share my views with the men I'm with and most of them understand my logic.

My husband having no experience prior to me, I have told him from the beginning he should seek it. Only knowing sex with the same woman his whole life would be a pity. He can have any kind of sex he wants with any woman he wants... or man, if he's ever inclined to go bi/homo. I see it as something very positive and I encourage him.

 

Safe bet we dont want him either

 

Hand him the vibe and give him instructions before you even think about hand or blow job. Seriously. He will either get huffy that you feel you need one and work to prove he can please without one, or he will HAVE to think to touch you there if he wants his.

Not being into licking is one thing, but regularly leaving your lover unsatisfied is just lazy. I have been with a guy who wan't big on oral, but he had no trouble pleasing me in other ways. We also had no need for a bottle of lube.

 

Your submissive nature is so strong, to go 6+ years with no orgasm, but always making sure to please him. Obviously, you love being used and pleasing, and that probably keeps your feelings so strong, always feeling like you're not good enough for him like at the beginning. These are great traits for a man to find in a woman... but some men just take complete advantage of it, seeing how selfish they can get away with. Others value and reward those traits.