He's not cumming...but he says it isn't me? :(

That is the furthest thing from the truth. Unless there is a medical condition keeping a couple from physically having sex NOBODY is happy in a sexless marriage. I talk to women all day long that spill their guts to me. Every single one of them that tell me they are in a sexless marriage are also telling me they are thinking about leaving their spouse.

I think you're off base with what the real problem is. I doubt it has anything to do with the actual sex that you do or don't have. I think it has to do with the emotional connection you have. You can come on here and say you have the perfect relationship all you want. You can try to bullshit all of us but I think we can all see through that. Your emotional connection is probably seriously lacking which causes the physical attraction to be nearly gone. You can hang out every day and be best friends. I have a lot of people in my life that I can say that about that aren't my husband. You're connection with your spouse has to be more than just hanging out.

I've been with my husband half of my life. We still flirt like teenagers. He still texts me at least 4 times a day to tell me that he loves me. We still make out in the kitchen or steal a kiss here and there when we are out and about. We still check each other out and tell each other how hot we think they are. You would think after 17 years of sex with the same person we would be bored but we still can't keep our hands off each other. Our sex keeps getting better every year we are married. You need to be more than buddies with your spouse. You need to keep the spark alive outside of the bedroom. That's wear it starts. You can't expect sex to fix your problems.

There is something going on with your connection. You need to talk to each other, cut the bullshit and be honest. I think you are both probably not saying things because you are afraid of hurting the other persons feelings. If you expect your marriage to work out you need to be honest with each other and more importantly yourselves.

Don't come to a message board, ask for help then when you receive advice from people that you don't want to hear you accuse them of "trolling". I've read the responses here and know most of the people who have responded. They're not trolls. Don't ask for advice if you don't really want to hear what people have to say.

 

What I read in the OP wasn't particularly partner sex, it was sequential masturbation.
You get your self off promptly with an vibrator. (Making it abundantly clear that he has nothing to do with your desire or your orgasm.)
Then you want him to treat you like a sex toy. And gripe when he takes too long.

Men like to please their woman. But it sounds like when he tries orally, you reject him. When he tries manually, you stop, pull out a Hitachi (about half the size of a baseball bat) and pleasure yourself with that. Its not surprising that he doesn't feel wanted or adiquate.

Then, while he is trusting for a good long time, instead of getting pleasure you are (perhaps unconsciously) letting him know that you want him to hurry up, finish and get off of you.

Its not surprising that he isn't getting turned on by that experience.

I don't have any fix, but I know that if he thinks he's not pleasing you, if he thinks that he is bothering you, if he thinks that you don't want him, he's not going to respond sexually.
Your routine makes it quite clear that he is not a part of your sexual pleasure. That sucks.

Edit: I just had a thought, let him use the Hitachi on you. See if that helps show that he is pleasing you. OR...don't use the Hitachi until his penis is inside you. Then put the head between you so that as he is thrusting, you are getting hotter and hotter. If you cum, while his penis is inside, he should be able to feel the contractions of your vagina.

Also, I know that reading this won't change the way that you feel, but there is nothing degrading about giving oral sex. Pleasuring one's partner isn't degrading, nor is it submissive, its sharing pleasure with her.

 

I didn't say anything about him going down on you, so I'd appreciate you not responding like I'm being an asshole. It's not like the only options for a woman to reach orgasm are oral sex or vibrator. I meant that you could wait and let him make you cum while you're having sex. Try not cumming right at the beginning, it will take some of the time pressure off.

Seems to me like you're getting off and then just tolerating him getting off inside of you. At least, that's the vibe I would be getting if I was in his shoes. The goal of sex should be sexual intimacy and pleasure, the orgasm is just a part of that bigger purpose. To me, at least, bringing my wife to orgasm is the part of sex that I enjoy the most. Getting to get off myself is just icing on the cake.

 

Just a quick update.

We tried the new lube last night, and it was great. He finally jizzed and I'm not sore, so it was the lube we were using. Guess Silicone is the best way to go.

Also discussed this thread with my husband. He thought the comments were really funny. By the way, just a quick google search and I found out this is a really common male problem. Good for you that you don't have it though

@ eggsprog, sorry if I came off rude, I felt very cornered here. People are rushing to judgement, assuming they know our relationship. My husband and I are still intimate while I use my vibe. We very often use my vibe WHILE having sex.

 

@MikeE

We do do that already Thanks for the advice. He LOVES using the vibe on me and seeing me squirm around.

@RubySoho6
Everything you said WE DO! My husband and I are always touching eachother, hugging, kissing. He tells me on a daily basis how beautiful I am, how sexy I am, etc. And I'm not exaggerating, he really does, everyday! We send each other naughty texts too. We have a very inmate relationship. Again, I draw porn for a living, I'm not afraid to be sexual or affectionate, and neither is he.

As I mentioned earlier, we had issues with lubrication, we finally tried a new lube and it was a pleasant experience for everyone.

The reason I was upset is because people are assuming what our relationship is like, as if we're some really good friends who happen to live together. That's far from the truth.

 

I don't blame you for getting upset at all, but you're posting on a forum full of pervs so you get what you get.

It could be a kind of anxiety where he feels pressure to cum because he's afraid it's going to be awful, which in turn is preventing him from cumming. Some guys can get into that zone where all they're thinking is 'oh man if I don't cum soon she's gonna be pissed' which makes it more like work than pleasure, and pretty much kills it. He can probably tell that you're not so much into the longer sessions and is worried that he's letting you down. Look at the retarded comments on here and you can see that there's a lot of sociocultural pressure on guys to perform to the extent that some people actually think you should leave him just for that. If you're worried you're actually going to lose someone you love over not being able to cum, the pressure mounts and it can actually make you hate what you're doing... but it doesn't change how much he cares about you/finds you sexy... and he might not want to talk about it with you because either he himself doesn't understand it or he's worried you'll be turned off/he'll lose you.

Also, if he's jerking off in private (maybe to prove to himself that he can still cum at all), then that can have an effect as well... and sometimes watching too much porn can rewire the brain so it's harder to cum with a real woman.

Glad you found a solution though... it could be he just needs that sort of novelty to take the pressure off/distract him from his worries.

Maybe this sounds messed up-- I know guys are supposed to be confident, assertive, unapologetic sluts who only want to bone their lives away-- but you would probably be surprised by how many guys out there actually don't enjoy sex because of all the pressure there is to perform.

EDIT: Woops... I think that this has already been said.

 

I have to say something here, lots of comments were nasty, needent be.
Anyway the lube need due to the pills side effect might be the fix, better brand.
My BF couldnt come sometimes and it upset me, he said it didnt matter he was having a great time anyway and later admitted he was enjoying and held off then it was harder to do, his fault, hahaha.
His point is while we are romping around he's enjoying himself and his comments about how damn good it feels to be inside should mean more to me then if he came or not. He is the kind that cant come in minutes and says he never could but if we didnt do it or I was upset by it he would not know how to deal with that. He is always into it when I want it so there is no real problem and he is active while we are doing it. Not laid back and hoping for something to happen. He pleases me everytime and so if he doesnt cum then like he said, "I had a great time, if I didnt I wouldnt be here"
He loves me and doesnt hesitate to say it and he texts me dirty messages to turn me on while we cant be together during the day. He knows what that'll get him when we are together so he is definately not shy about sex or afraid of it... BTW,,, he says its not sex,,, "we are making love" and when I call it sex he makes sure to point that out. He says "sex is with friends or bad relationships, making love is with someone you love and care deeply about"
Yup it did upset me but I am ok with it as long as he asks for sex,,, ooops I mean for me to make love with him on a regular basis, a miss here and there is ok.
He also said we are both business people and if we dont make money we fail and his mind is on that all the time, trying to build an early retirement and make sure his side of things are secure. Sometimes his job can be very hard, he is busy in spurts and then he works very hard, physically and then he gets a dry spell for a while and thats when he is even more drained then when the physical work is heavy and fast. He has hard hands (love those hands all over my body) and a hard body from what he does and if the work slows down to him its like he suddenly quit going to the gym for a week... Thats gotta be hard on a body. Over Christmas he had nearly two weeks of no work and he kept me busy instead,,, yayyyy! But he hates when its that long. Now He is busy till 8 pm at night some days and even has has to do a Saturday to get his contracts done.
Just keep up the good work and try new things all the time and you will be ok. Make sure he adds some suggestions.

 

Thanks fraggle_rock and Sallysmart

Finally some people with advice and support. Much appreciated! I honestly didn't know what type of forum this was until I joined it. Probably should have lurked around a bit first

Yeah, I've been reading the same thing over and over. He probably shouldn't watch porn or masturbate in between us having sex, and to talk about it is probably even worse. We should both just be focusing on having a good time, and that's what we did last night. We haven't had a night like that in months, it was just wonderful

 

Worry is the worst thing you can do, if he is up for it then its all good. You havent failed. He is just doing what some guys really do. Most wont admit it happens. My guy didnt try to BS me over it he was honest and we talked openly about it.
He even said a few times his mind was blown over us being so close he couldnt get past that part of it to relax enough for an orgasm.
I threatened I'd hold back on him if he kept doing that, he said he knows how to make me cum so he didnt care if I tried, he'd deal with it. So far I havent been able to hold back and I tried. He deals with it, he knows where I am vulnerable and what spikes it up for me. hahaha.
BTW, this is a great site, dont let one thread get you down. Stick around and check out other stuff and remember online, we are only that, if someone pisses you off then check out another thread.

 

Glad to hear it!

And I agree with sallysmart... when you really care about someone you want to be your best for them and you want everything to be perfect. Sometimes it's a lot easier to be a porn star if you don't care about the other person at all, because it's all about you.

I confess I've also had a similar problem where I was really in love and was so worried that she wouldn't like me if I couldn't perform that it ended up being super awkward and wrong... even though we had this huge profound cosmic connection that was even better than sex.

You would think this would make it easier but it actually made it harder. I was used to sleeping with people I didn't care about/didn't love and the thought of sleeping with someone I would do anything for was intimidating.

Porn is sort of like that too, because it's all about the variety or being a selfish jerk and people as objects/conquests who do whatever you want and you don't need to consider what they want... you're just doing whatever you want to make yourself cum.

I think there might be something to what MikeE was saying about mutual masturbation-- but then, I've been able to cum within minutes of bringing a girl to orgasm... and when I was younger I actually came just from eating a girl out without even touching myself or anything. It's a pretty big turn on to know someone is satisfied.

 

Thanks guys You've been awesome!

 

fraggle rock....i'm not a pervert...go fuck yourself

op-in what world do you live where people only say what you want to hear?.....if you were my sister my answers would be exactly the same....its my honest opinion.....

but i'm glad some of the touchy feely noobs chimed in to give you the sappy support you were so obviously seeking as opposed to honesty

 

Well, if it makes you feel better I didn't mean you.
You are an idiot, though. :2thumbsup:

 

Men don't orgasm when they're immensely attracted to someone. They orgasm when someone rubs their penis. If a guy can't cum...it's never the woman's fault. Our orgasms are much more mechanical, not mystical like the female variety.

 

Hi,

I used to have this problem. I was constantly worried about being judged about what I do during sex. Our ice broke completely when I asked her if we could do 69 and I just started to put my tongue on/lick her butthole. After that, I wasn't really embarrassed or worried about anything. I started to cum a bit too soon as well.

I can understand what you are going through. For some reason, my gf (and my ex-gfs) were sad when they learned that I couldn't cum. They say it's messy when you just explode, but every gf that I have had actually preferred me cumming all over her (and she gets a bit messy) than me not cumming at all. They always went "hey, c'mon, you could have cum on my stomach" but they looked happier. They looked unhappy when I stopped in the middle and said "sorry, I don't think I can finish today."

 

Stuff like this is why people often mistake you for a chic

 

It's only happened once that I can recall.

Maybe I should rephrase.

"Dudz don't cum cuz of brainz. They jizz when a bitch rubs his cock."

 

I had this problem tonight. She had a loose vagina. I went in and out for 20 mins, nothing happened. Maybe loose vagina?

 

Is he on any medication? sometimes that makes a man not be able to cum..... see your doctor to rule things out....

 

It seems that you need to cuckold him. I assure you that your relationship would get that much stronger. You should look into it. Switch sub/dom roles for a while and see how things go. Good luck.