Hi,I'm bonoboy and here is a joke...LOL

Teehee, good jokes in this thread, gave me a good giggle.

Bono....you just seem so familliar...

 

I can't say that I have had the pleasure of meeting you before rmc1....I have been to several forums in the past, you may have noticed me posting on one of those? I tend to tell a lot of jokes unfortunately...I usually have a Bart Simpson Avatar...LOL

 

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an ugly looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - 'That French swine wanted to touch me and by mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must have slapped his face'

(2) The fat lady thought - 'This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands on the blonde and she smacked him'.

(3) The Frenchman thought - 'That Englishman put his hand on that blonde and by mistake she slapped me'.

(4) The Englishman thought - 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French moron again'.

 

welcome man.........rooyyyyyyyyy chubby brown...........comedians.......at the wheel tappers and shunters club............

 

Hey, I've just realised...rmc1?...Are you saying that I look like the back end of a Donkey then?...( I refer you to my Avatar )... Maybe that's where you've seen me before?...

 

Hmmmmmmm, that could be it. Yes, I'm sure it is

 

Well I used to play the rear half of a pantomime horse, maybe you were the front part?...It was dark inside the costume and I never did find out who my co-worker was...I only ever saw their behind...Do you like baked beans?

 

Lawn Mower

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

Vacuum Sales

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"F*ck off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she tried to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse shit all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse shit from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f*cking good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

 

Haha that's a good one....

 

haha i love those jokes... keep em coming if you ahve more

 

Only a Newfoundlander could think of this...from the province where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a George Street tavern. After last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the street for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the man. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."


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Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but you're a real sport too."

And drives off.


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There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters. The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really

shocked as I didn't even know she drank."



With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a willy."


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A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.

Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?" The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?



"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it back up again."


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Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the railings of the fence opposite the club.

Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing to.

"Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie, but Will started crying. Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"

Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

 

I'm skint, so I sent this letter to my parents...I need your opinion..Is it obvious?

Dear Dad,
$¢hoo£ i$ rea££¥ great. I am making £ot$ of friend$ and $tud¥ing ver¥ hard. With a££ m¥ $tuff, I $imp£¥ ¢an't think of an¥thing I need, $o if ¥ou wou£d £ike, ¥ou ¢an ju$t $end me a ¢ard, a$ I wou£d £ove to hear from ¥ou.

£ove,
¥our $on

 

Supermarket

A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and said, "You know, I've lost my wife somewhere in this huge supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?" she asks. "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere and I'm tired of looking for her!

 

This job was advertised on my local jobcentre plus website...LOL...I wonder if it was meant to be tongue in cheek or what?...

 

An elderly couple were driving across the country.
The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, "Ma'am did you know you were speeding?"

The woman, hard of hearing, turns to her husband and asks, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He says you were speeding!"

The patrolman says, "May I see your license?"
The woman turns to her husband and asks again, "What did he say?"
The old man yells, "He wants to see your license!"
The woman gave the officer her license.

The patrolman says, "I see you are from Arkansas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I've ever seen."

The woman turned to her husband and asked, "What did he say?"

And the old man yells, "He said he knows you!"